


wax wings aren't made of gold

by Aeliia



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Fluff, M/M, a story in which kaneki literally can't catch a break, all these boys deserve is happiness and i'm gonna give it to them for once, hidekane, just a little don't worry, kaneki doesn't fight arima, lil bit of angst, poor bby, post-anteiku raid, this is basically a coffee shop au with a twist tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-30
Updated: 2016-02-13
Packaged: 2018-04-07 01:04:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 50,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4243608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aeliia/pseuds/Aeliia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was very different, in a sense, to not have to fear for his life or the safety of those close to him every passing moment. It was nice, almost pleasurable. But Kaneki had forgotten what pleasure felt like, so he couldn’t be entirely sure. Although, he was fairly certain being able to sit down in the mornings, have a freshly brewed cup of coffee, read a couple chapters of his book, and go about the rest of his day freely and peacefully was indeed enjoyable.</p><p>He wondered how long it would last.<br/>-----<br/>AU in which Hide and Kaneki have never met and ghouls are slowly (and painfully) integrating into human society.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. he smiles like the sun

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Baby, It's Cold Outside](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2282742) by [Fweeble](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fweeble/pseuds/Fweeble). 



> hi everyone! I'm back with another hidekane fic because you can never have too much hidekane. this accidentally turned into a coffee shop au because I couldn't figure out how they should meet, and then I was like oh I'll just put Hide in a coffee shop and then Kaneki was in a coffee shop too and I realized what was happening and. it was too late I'm sorry friends rip
> 
> this is set around two years after the raid on Anteiku. Touka, Yoriko, and Hide are all uni students (I'm pretty sure that would make this Hide's last year of college), and ghouls are slowly integrating into human society and are only being hunted if they're actively killing. it explains it a little more in the story. I read the wonderful Fweeble's story, Baby It's Cold Outside, which has the same idea that ghouls are finally gaining rights and thought hey, that's a great idea! so here we are
> 
> anyways, I hope you enjoy this new fic! the first couple chapters are just the introduction and don't have Hide and Kaneki interacting that much, but they do after that, so never fear! I'm not sure how long this will be yet, but I'll try to give an estimate as it goes on. enjoy!
> 
> [edit: changed the name bc I decided I liked this one better woo]

Kaneki Ken wasn’t anyone special. Or at least that’s what he told himself when he was feeling overwhelmed.

Truth be told, he _was_ special. Infinitely so. Being the product of an immoral experiment that resulted in his becoming a half-ghoul half-human hybrid, he was a rarity. A diamond in the rough. Something you only saw once in a lifetime.

That was what he was to Aogiri—a resource that they used up and discarded. And that was what he was to Kanou, too. In the past, he was an instrument used to achieve both their filthy goals.

To humans, he was a filthy, disgusting, abhorrent creature. He wasn’t anyone. He didn’t even deserve a name or an identity or—to some—a life.

But to him, he was just another person trying to make it in the harsh world. The world, which had stolen everything he loved. The world, which tossed him into delicious dancing with demons and devils and he had been unable to break the rhythm, unable to escape. After he did, though, he became just another cog in the machine.

And he wouldn’t have it any other way.

It was very… _different_ , in a sense, to not have to fear for his life or the safety of those close to him every passing moment. It was nice, almost pleasurable. But Kaneki had forgotten what pleasure felt like, so he couldn’t be entirely sure. Although, he was fairly certain being able to sit down in the mornings, have a freshly brewed cup of coffee, read a couple chapters of a book, and go about the rest of his day freely and peacefully was indeed enjoyable.

He wondered how long it would last.

It hadn’t been long since the Japanese government made the decision to attempt to integrate ghouls into the human society of Japan. Over the past seven months, new laws had been passed and gone into effect concerning them. Ghouls were no longer to be killed for simply being ghouls as long as it could be proved they hadn’t killed in the past six months. If a ghoul was found eating a body on the streets, it was appropriate to eliminate it quickly and thoroughly with as little pain as possible. Any ghoul with its kagune out was to be exterminated. The ever-growing list of new regulations contained a plethora of rules alike to these with small variation in each, but most seemed to restate what had already been said.

Basically, to live normally as a ghoul, one could not kill, take out his kagune, or even look a person (human) funny. If you did, you would be eliminated on the spot, and that was that.

Kaneki and every other peaceful ghoul knew full well that the integration wouldn’t go smoothly. Even calling it a “troubling process” was a euphoria for the blatant discrimination against them. It was like being in the middle of a large arena surrounded by hungry lions just waiting to pounce. Any wrong move, even a flinch, resulted in the unsightly maiming of a body.

It was ironic, really, because _they_ were supposed to be the man-eaters. Not the humans.

So Kaneki had been living out his days as a ghoul attempting to integrate into human society. This meant doing all he could to keep his true identity as a ghoul a secret (even though he wasn’t technically “illegal” anymore, nobody wanted to live in the apartment next to a ghoul), only eating when absolutely necessary, and trying way too hard to be normal.

He seemed to be struggling with the last part the most. His hair, being white, always seemed to attract a bit of unwanted attention to him, and he also had absolutely no idea what was in style these days—keeping up with the latest fashion trends had been the least of his worries while hunting down a deranged doctor.

It’s not like he went out much, anyways. The only places he ever went besides home were Touka’s apartment and :re. At the moment, he was lounging on Touka’s sofa, book in hand as said girl bustled about the room, cleaning what could only be called frantically.

“Is the Emperor coming over later?” Kaneki asked.

Touka rolled her eyes. “Haha, very funny. Don’t you have an apartment of your own? Why do you choose to come over here every day if all you do is read?”

Kaneki shrugged. “I like a little background noise.”

“Do something interesting for once. Either that or make yourself useful by moving your ass off the couch. I need to clean it.”

Kaneki obliged to her request and moved to a nearby chair. Touka immediately got to work stripping the furniture of its cushions. “Great,” she grumbled. Kaneki raised his eyebrows as she plucked something off of the bare sofa. She held up a severed finger. “Hinami’s been eating on the couch again. I told her to eat at the table if she were having fingers; she _always_ drops them. It’s like humans and faletti, or whatever that shit is.”

“Spaghetti,” Kaneki corrected. “They eat that in the Western countries. Over here it’s—“

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. I don’t need a culinary lesson.” She dropped the finger in the trash bag behind her before inspecting the couch for anymore unwanted appendages. “Shit, it left a stain. Do you think laundry detergent can get a bloodstain out of a sofa?”

“Laundry detergent?”

“It’s all I have,” she huffed defensively.

Kaneki chuckled. “You don’t really think whoever’s coming over would pull up the sofa cushions to check for bloodstains, do you?”

Touka fiddled nervously with the hem of her jacket. “I don’t know, okay? I don’t know. I invited Yoriko and her parents over for dinner tonight and I’m going to tell them that I’m a ghoul, so I don’t need fucking _blood_ all over the house, for God’s sake.”

“I thought Yoriko already knew you were a ghoul?”

“She does, but her parents don’t. I’m worried it’s not going to go over smoothly.”

“The word ‘smoothly’ doesn’t exist among our kind, Touka. Nothing will ever go over smoothly for us. You should know that better than me.”

Annoyance flashed across her face. “Then what are you suggesting I do, huh?”

Kaneki creased the corner of his page and set down his book. “I don’t know, Touka. I hope it goes well, I really do. Just do what you think is best. But what will you do if her parents don’t accept your relationship with her because you’re a ghoul?”

Touka sighed and looked away. “I’ll…I’ll get to that. I’ve been procrastinating planning what we would do afterwards because I didn’t want to think about it. The worst they could do is tell her to stop seeing me, right? I mean, she’s nineteen and lives in her own apartment. It’s not like they can control what she does.”

“In a worst-case scenario, they could force her to move. If they pay for the apartment, they have control over it,” Kaneki reasoned.

“No, she pays for it. Her part-time job at a department store in the shopping district gets her enough money for rent and groceries.” Touka sighed again. “This sucks. I wish everything weren’t so complicated. All these rules and this discrimination—it almost makes me wish we were still in hiding.”

Kaneki knew how she felt. Sometimes he too felt like a bird in a cage, unable to move freely. Speaking of birds—

“Where’s Loser?” Kaneki questioned, just now noticing the absence of the bird’s insistent squawking. Hinami, who lived with Touka, had convinced her to let it stay with them after a desperate plea that included but was not limited to begging, many tears, and (apparently empty) promises of helping to keep the house clean.

“Oh. I told Hinami to drop him off at the vet this morning on her way to school. I think he’s sick. It was good timing, though. I don’t want him in the house while Yoriko’s parents are over,” Touka explained. “Maybe I’ll finally get my wish and the damn thing will drop dead. It would be kind of quiet without him around, though. Here, take this.”

Touka handed Kaneki the garbage bag and proceeded to throw trash collected from behind the sofa into it. She then managed to rope him into helping her clean the rest of the house, claiming it was repayment for letting him come over all the time. “You might as well be paying half the bill,” she said, smirking.

Kaneki smiled sheepishly. “I don’t come over _that_ much.”

“Mhm, yeah. Whatever. I know you’re just lonely in your boring apartment. You don’t even have any wallpaper, geez. It’s like you’re living in a plain, undecorated box. You know what you need? A boyfriend.”

“A boyfriend?” Kaneki repeated, amusement tinging his voice.

“Yes, a boyfriend. And one who actually has some life in him. You’ve thrown yourself into a never-ending routine of boringness.”

It was true; Kaneki found comfort in submerging himself in routine. Maybe she was right, though. Was it time to change it up a bit? But then there was the obvious problem of actually finding someone who he liked and who liked him. Yep, that would be a big roadblock.

“It’s not like anyone would want to date me,” he mumbled, the amusement fading into slight disappointment. “I mean, I’m a ghoul whose only social life consists of talking to people at a coffee shop. I doubt anyone would find interest in someone like that.”

Touka shrugged. “You never know. It’s not like you’re unattractive or anything. Just take off your shirt or something and I guarantee they’ll be a crowd of guys around you asking what your workout routine is in less than a second.”

A blush began to creep its way up Kaneki’s neck to his face at her words, and she snickered. “It’s just like you were before. Maybe those changes weren’t so permanent after all.”

With that, she sauntered away, leaving Kaneki fumbling for words. Just like he was before, huh?

He wondered if that were a good sign.

 

* * *

 

Later that day, Kaneki found himself at an unfamiliar coffee shop with Touka and Hinami, whom they had met at the station after her school day ended.

“I’ve never been in here before,” he commented upon entering. He took in the surroundings. It was a fairly large yet still a cozy and charming shop filled with fine tables and chairs. The walls were a soft cream color, while the flooring was a light mahogany wood. The smell of coffee arose and filled the shop from behind the counter, where two workers were stationed. An elated smile made its way onto one of the employee’s faces as he spotted them, and he immediately rushed over to take their orders as soon as they sat down.

“Hi there!” he said happily.

There were many things about this employee that Kaneki would have noticed if not for one thing—his smile. His apron was too small for him, he wore a tacky pair of red headphones around his neck, and his bleached hair was definitely showing more than a few roots. But that radiant smile snatched Kaneki’s attention away from everything else, commanding his sole attention be on it in all its brightness and glory.

Something swatted his arm. “Tell the guy what you want, Kaneki,” Touka said, a sly grin in place on her lips. Kaneki immediately snapped out of his daze.

“I’ll, uh, erm…” Queue stuttering. “I-I’ll have a drink.”

The employee chuckled. “What kind of drink would you like, sir?”

“Coffee?” he said as if it were a question.

“You sure about that?”

“Err, no—“

He laughed. “Sorry, sorry, I’m just teasing you. Black coffee, right? At least, that’s what these two lovely ladies are having.” He gestured grandly to Touka and Hinami. Hinami blushed, while Touka covered her mouth with her hand to stifle her laughs.

“Y-yeah, that’s fine,” Kaneki finally managed.

“Okay! Three black coffees coming up!” The employee sashayed away, taking his brilliant smile away with him.

“I can’t believe I just did that,” Kaneki groaned, hiding his face in his hands as Touka burst into laughter.

“You should have seen your face!”

“I don’t want to have seen it,” he mumbled back.

Hinami patted his shoulders. “It’s okay, onii-chan,” she said to help ease his pain. Unfortunately, Touka’s laughter cancelled out any healing effect Hinami may have had on his damaged ego—which already wasn’t good to begin with.

“That was smooth, Kaneki, real smooth. Real cute, too. Especially the way you reacted after he convinced you that you didn’t want coffee.” She snorted, and Kaneki glared at her through his fingers. “Okay, okay, I’ll stop.” Her laughter slowly died down to chuckling and then to amused sighs and fond smiles as she replayed the scene over and over in her head.

Dammit, Kaneki did _not_ sign up for this.

Moments later, the same employee brought over their coffees. Thankfully, no other mishaps occurred and Kaneki was able to drink his coffee in peace as Touka and Hinami talked about her day at school. As their visit continued, he slowly loosened back up and was able to find some humor in the situation that had transpired. It _was_ pretty funny, he supposed. It’s not like it mattered anyways, so there was no reason for him to be a stickler about it. They would leave this shop and he would most likely never see the worker with the bright smile ever again.

“Weird. He gave you a takeout cup. I guess he was as confused as you,” Touka noted, pointing to Kaneki’s lidded paper cup of coffee. Kaneki had been so wrapped in his thoughts he hadn’t even noticed his cup was different from Touka’s and Hinami’s. “Give it here. There’s some writing on it.”

Kaneki handed her the cup, and Touka turned it around so she could see the writing. Her eyebrows shot up. “What is it?” he asked.

She pushed the cup back to him. “See for yourself.”

Taking it, his eyes found the hastily scribbled words in sharpie on the side of it. Following them was a number. Kaneki’s eyes slowly widened.

_Hope to see you back here! Give me a call?_

_-Hide_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this fic will update every Wednesday starting now :)
> 
> thanks for reading!


	2. when i found you, it shook me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if anyone ever needs lessons on how to be awkward just call Kaneki Ken lmao. awkward shironeki gives me so much life you guys don't even know
> 
> also you guys get to learn how to cook in this chapter whoopee //rolls away

To say that Kaneki was surprised would be an understatement. He was absolutely astonished.

It was now hours after they left the shop, and Kaneki still felt his heart skip a beat whenever he looked at the words on the cup. _Hope to see you back here! Give me a call?_ And then, of course, there was the number. Kaneki had actually gotten a guy’s number, and he had accomplished this through stuttering and basically making a fool out of himself.

Maybe this guy was into weirdos like him.

Hide was his name. Kaneki wondered if that were a nickname or his actual name. A nickname, he presumed, as he hadn’t heard of anyone named just Hide before. But you never knew—people were coming up with all kinds of names these days.

Hide didn’t have Kaneki’s number, so it was up to him to establish contact. That was great. Just great. Peachy, even. How the hell was he supposed to strike up a stimulating conversation with this guy when he couldn’t even order a coffee correctly? It was all too much.

Kaneki had fought more ghouls and CCG investigators than he could count. He had withstood brutal torture by a sadistic ghoul for ten days, and he had taken the lives of so, so many. Yet he couldn’t make one simple little phone call, and all because of a stupid smile and a head of bleached-blond hair that, combined, made Hide the embodiment of the sun itself.

And that was somehow more intimidating than any opponent he’d ever faced.

“Stop sulking, you’re throwing off my mood,” Touka said, chucking a pillow at Kaneki’s face. “Yoriko and her parents will be here in less than half an hour, so you can either get locked in the bedroom now or cheer up and wait until you hear the doorbell to make a mad dash for it. Your choice.”

Kaneki, Touka, and Hinami were all currently lounging in the sitting area of Touka’s apartment. There was a sense of foreboding in the air. Even though it wasn’t even Kaneki’s problem, the nervousness in the atmosphere was as tangible to him as it was to Touka, who was slowly beginning to panic internally. He could tell by the way her face scrunched up at random times and how her breathing turned slightly erratic. “You shouldn’t worry so much,” Kaneki told her, giving her a small smile. “I’m sure it’ll go fine.”

Touka scoffed. “ _You_ telling _me_ not to worry? That’s hilarious—take a look at yourself, Kaneki. You’ve been stabbing holes in that cup for the past ten minutes now.”

Kaneki looked down and noticed that, in his nervousness, he had indeed been doing just that. To his relief, the only part of the writing that was spliced off was the question mark at the end and the final number. He had already put it in his phone, though, so that didn’t matter. It was more of a sentimental thing now.

Touka stood and stretched. Adjusting her navy blue dress, she made her way behind the kitchen counter and began to assemble the ingredients for the dinner. “Ugh, this is all so gross,” she complained, turning her nose up at it. “Good thing I don’t have to eat it.”

“Onee-chan isn’t even going to pretend to be human?” Hinami questioned.

Touka shook her head. “Nope, I’m coming clean. Might as well give them a little more to eat before they storm out and take Yoriko with them.”

Kaneki heard the sounds of pots and pans clanging, utensils hitting the floor, and cursing. “Do you want help?” he asked over the sound of the TV.

“No. Yes.”

“That’s a yes, I presume,” he sighed, getting up and going over to the kitchen area. “What are you making?”

Touka picked up the spatula she had dropped. “Okonomiyaki. I already chilled the batter and everything. I just have to assemble it now. Can you stir fry the noodles?”

Kaneki nodded and got to work. While it had been awhile since he cooked, his hands remembered how to do everything. Separating the noodles with his hands, he stirred them around until they were cooked before adding the okonomi sauce onto them. He formed the noodles into a circular shape that was the same size as what Touka was working with, which was the now-cooked batter, cabbage, and thinly sliced pork belly all stacked on top of each other. Skillfully, she flipped it to where the cooked batter was on top so the pork belly could cook.

Touka checked the clock. “Fifteen minutes,” she stated.

Once the pork belly was finished, she transferred her pile onto Kaneki’s noodles and instructed him to fry an egg in the space next to the okonomiyaki. Catching the egg that was tossed at him, he cracked it and spread it out. Touka took her two spatulas and placed the okonomiyaki on top of the egg before flipping it for the final time. After spreading a few sauces on top of it, she declared it finished.

“I think it turned out pretty well,” she said, a hint of pride in her voice. Suddenly, the doorbell rang. “Shit—go, go! They’re here!”

Touka shoved Kaneki in the direction of her room, telling him to get Hinami. “Hinami, we have to go,” he said. Hinami quickly nodded. They made it out of sight just before Touka opened the door to greet her guests.

“I wonder if onee-chan will be alright,” Hinami said with a frown.

Kaneki smiled and patted her head reassuringly “She will, don’t worry. Touka’s strong, Hinami. She can handle whatever they throw at her.”

 

* * *

 

It turned out Touka could not handle what they threw at her.

After getting into a heated argument with both of Yoriko’s parents, she knocked over her cheap table, which spilled all of the food, and screamed at them to get out. She cried, Yoriko cried, Hinami cried—Kaneki was basically surrounded by crying girls for the rest of the night. And he couldn’t leave, either. Not with Hinami clinging to him like an extra appendage.

To make matters worse, it was impossible to find the right words to console Touka. Anything he said was thrown back at him in her anger. Finally, he decided to give up comforting her. She had Yoriko to do that.

He retreated into Touka’s room around ten after cleaning up the mess in the kitchen for her. He figured it was the least he could do if he were going to camp there for the night. Touka’s navy blue dress lay ripped on the floor—she had practically clawed her way out of it, not even caring that she stripped to her underwear in front of Kaneki. Kaneki had averted his eyes, anyways.

Carefully picking up the soft fabric, he placed it on the bed and smoothed it out. The tear, while rather large, was fixable; it was on the right side beneath where her underarm would have been. For some reason, Kaneki knew Touka had a sewing kit somewhere. He searched her room for a bit before finally finding it under her bed. He didn’t question why it was there.

And then Kaneki ran into an obvious problem.

He couldn’t sew.

Any other person would have looked it up on the internet. Any other person would have asked someone else in the house. But what did Kaneki do?

He called Hide to ask.

 _Oh, shit_. Kaneki realized his mistake too late—it had already dialed twice. If he hung up now, it would say he had a missed call. There was no turning back.

 _What the hell?_ he said in his mind. _You get a guy’s number and then decide to call him and ask if he knows how to sew. Why would Hide know how to sew? Why—_

“ _Hello?_ ”

“Uh, hi,” Kaneki said, his voice cracking. He mentally face-palmed. God, what was he, a pubescent fifteen-year-old?

“ _Hi there! May I ask who this is?_ ”

“It’s Kaneki.” He then realized Hide didn’t know his name. “I’m, uh, the person from the coffee shop earlier. The one you gave your number to.”

“ _Oh! Hi, Kaneki! Sorry, I should have recognized your voice._ ” There was a chuckle on the other end of the line. _“I didn’t expect you to call so late_.”

Kaneki didn’t know if the fact that Hide should have recognized his voice was a good thing or a bad thing, so he decided not to comment on it. “It’s late?”

“ _For me, at least. I’m a uni student who was dumb enough to sign up for morning classes. Word of advice: Don’t. Take. Morning. Classes. Like, ever. You’d think that after years of college I’d learn that by now, but every year I’m like ‘oh, morning classes will be great! I’ll get up early and finish at eleven and have the rest of the day off!’ DON’T DO IT KANEKI, DON’T.”_

Kaneki laughed. “I was actually a uni student myself. Some things happened, though…I wasn’t able to continue.”

“ _Ah, sorry to hear that, man! What did you major in?_ ”

“I was a lit student.” A small smile tugged at the corners of Kaneki’s lips as he remembered his college days. He almost missed waking up and sluggishly moving around his small flat as he prepared his daily dose of caffeine—aka the thing that got him through the day. Coffee was literally liquid life for any college student.

“ _That’s really cool! I was never a big reader myself, but I enjoy a novel every now and then. What’s your favorite?_ ”

“I would have to say _The Black Goat’s Egg_ by Takatsuki Sen. I also like Kafka’s _The Metamorphosis_. In a way I can…relate to the protagonists of them.” Shit. Had he said too much? He sincerely hoped Hide hadn’t read it or else he might pick up on something strange about him.

Thankfully, he hadn’t. They continued talking about books for a little while longer before Kaneki remembered why he had called Hide in the first place. “Hey, Hide. You wouldn’t happen to know how to sew, would you?”

“ _Actually, I do!_ _My mother taught me how because I always somehow ended up tearing my clothes as a kid and it just kind of stuck with me. Do you need me to sew something for you?_ ”

“Oh, no, I wouldn’t want to cause any trouble for you. I was just wondering if you could teach me how over the phone or something.” Upon saying it out loud, Kaneki realized how silly the idea was, and he cringed, wishing he could take it back. He had been doing so well!

“ _Do you have a needle and thread?_ ”

“Y-yeah.”

“ _Great start! Okay, so what you do is…_ ”

To say the least, Kaneki was very surprised at how good of a teacher Hide was. He was also surprised Hide didn’t question or tease him for needing to sew something. He didn’t know what there was to tease about, but one of his old high school bullies would have found a way to mock him about it.

By the time he was finished, the dress looked almost good as new. “It turned out really well. Thank you, Hide,” Kaneki said into the phone, smiling. He moved to hang the fixed dress in Touka’s closet and shut it behind him.

“ _No prob. What were you sewing?_ ”

He sat back down on Touka’s bed. “Just my friend’s dress. It belongs to the older girl who was with me today at the coffee shop. She kind of tore it after she got angry about something.”

“ _I see, I see. I feel like ripping my clothes off too, sometimes. It’s always been something I’ve wanted to do, you know? It’s just one of those things, like smashing your face into a cake. Everybody’s wanted to do it at some point._ ”

“So what you’re saying is that ripping your clothes off is on your bucket list.”

Hide laughed, something Kaneki wished to hear over and over again. “ _Something like that, yeah._ ”

They continued talking for much longer after that. The next time Kaneki glanced at the clock, it was already half past eleven. “Do you think you should go to bed, Hide?” he questioned. There was shuffling that translated into static on the other end of the line. He presumed Hide was shifting to look at a clock.

“ _Aw, I guess I should. It was really nice talking to you, Kaneki. You should come by the shop again soon. I work afternoons most days. Do you have anything going on?_ ”

“I actually work at a coffee shop, too, but my schedule’s pretty lenient. I can make time to come by,” he replied.

“ _Awesome! Does that make us rivals or something since we both work in coffee shops?_ ”

Kaneki was unable to suppress a smile. “I suppose so.”

“ _Heh. Okay, I’ll see you soon, hopefully! Night, Kaneki._ ”

“Goodnight, Hide.”

The line clicked dead, and Kaneki was left with an empty room and an overheated phone. He breathed in, and it felt as though he were inhaling emptiness that filled him up from the inside. A sudden wave of loneliness washed over him. He didn’t want to stop talking to Hide because he actually let him _talk_. Hide didn’t care about stating things about himself. He wanted to hear about Kaneki, what he liked and disliked, what he was and wasn’t. It was nice to just be truly listened to for once.  

“Hey.” Touka appeared in the crack in the door. “Are you finished?”

Kaneki nodded, and she stepped in and closed it behind her. A silence fell between them before she spoke again. “…I wanted to say thanks. For cleaning the mess and trying to comfort me, I mean. I just…”

“I know, Touka.” He smiled knowingly. Touka was a tornado when angered, obliterating everything in her path and leaving a wake of destruction behind her. “It’s fine. I know you were upset.”

Touka nodded. “Where’s the dress?” she asked, noticing the empty spot on the floor where the article of clothing had been strewn.

“It’s hanging. I fixed it for you.”

She made her way to the closet and brought out the dress, lightly touching the crisscrossing threads. “It looks…good. Thanks, I appreciate it. I actually really liked this dress,” she mumbled at the end. “Where’d you learn to sew?”

“Actually, Hide taught me how. I called him and asked.”

Touka’s expression turned to that of astonishment. “You actually called him? I was betting you’d chicken out at the last minute.”

Kaneki scratched his neck sheepishly and smiled. “Yeah, I really called him. It was…nice. He’s nice to talk to.”

“Glad it worked out for you,” she said, and if there were any bitterness in her statement, Kaneki couldn’t find it. She looked around the room aimlessly before speaking again. “Sooo, are you staying here tonight? Because if you are, you get the couch.”

Kaneki checked the time again. The trains were still running, but was it really worth going home if it meant meandering around the streets of Tokyo on a cold night to get to the station? Hell no. “I’ll take the couch."

Yoriko’s face appeared in the door. “Hey, Touka, do you have any chips?”

“I do if you didn’t eat them all last time.” Yoriko smiled and disappeared, presumably going to search for the chips. Kaneki wondered how much human food Touka kept stocked just for Yoriko.

Touka turned and addressed him. “Yoriko and I are going to sleep, so if you don’t mind, you can vacate the premises. Hinami’s already in bed. If you turn the TV on, keep it low. You can let yourself out in the morning if you feel like it. Or you can stay, it doesn’t matter to me.”

Kaneki nodded and thanked her before saying goodnight. Yoriko gave him a weary yet cheerful look as she walked past him with an armful of various bags of chips. “Are you okay?” he asked her.

She shrugged, her smile turning wistful. “I just wish it had gone better. But you can’t have everything, after all. Goodnight, Kaneki.”

“Sleep well.”

Kaneki’s eyes had just closed when his phone buzzed on the coffee table in the sitting area. Sitting up groggily, he slapped his hand down on the piece of furniture in an attempt to find the device and shut it the hell up. When he finally did, he cracked open a bleary eye to read the text message someone had sent him. He opened both when he realized who it was from.

It was Hide.

_don’t forget to stop by!!! ok i’m sleeping now i promise. maybe. no i am don’t worry. i have a feeling you’re that friend who worries about if people go to bed on time. i’ve always wanted one of those so don’t worry if you are no judging! god why do i do this to myself. good thing i don’t have to pay for coffee where i work because i’m getting a hell of a lot tomorrow morning. like so much you should be worried for me. maybe i’ll pour an energy drink into it. you better have 119 on speed dial because i’m probably gonna need it. ok sorry sleeping now. night kaneki!!_

Kaneki let out a quiet laugh and put his phone back on the table, unable to keep from smiling.

He suddenly didn’t feel so empty anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter is the first date! let's see how Kaneki manages ahaha
> 
> thanks for reading!


	3. stormy skies make him cry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yay now we start the angsty part of the fic ahaha. good luck friends, may the odds be ever in your favor.  
> (jk it's not that bad but yeah the angst begins now)
> 
> also thank you so much for 100 kudos already!! ( ´ ▽ ` )ﾉ even though it's only 3 chapters rn, I hope everyone's enjoying it so far!

Kaneki gave it two days before he revisited the coffee shop Hide worked at. As much as he wanted to see him earlier, he was stuck with the afternoon and evening shifts both days, and the other shop was already closed by the time he got off his shift and hauled ass over to it. They texted a few times back and forth, though, so that was enough to keep his excitement at bay for the time being.

It was strange. Very, very strange. Kaneki hadn’t been excited about anything since…he didn’t know. But there was no doubt it had been a long time. At first, he wasn’t sure he could handle these rediscovered emotions. They were almost overwhelming. He thought about calling it all off, throwing in the towel and saying he couldn’t do it. Thankfully, he had Touka to talk him out of it her “special” way.

“Are you an idiot?!” she all but screamed, slamming her fist on the table. “You’re about to throw away the first chance you’ve gotten at happiness in a long time, and all because you can’t handle a few stupid emotions? Sorry to tell you, Kaneki, but sometimes you just have to suck it up and deal with it. I can’t believe you’re fucking _scared_ of being happy, my God. Sometimes you’re so incomprehensible.”

“It’s not happiness I’m scared of,” he huffed, slipping his jacket on. “I just don’t know how to handle everything that’s happening. I’m…I’m afraid I’ll mess it up.” There were also other reasons, but he didn’t bother delving into those.

Touka set down her bag and shed her own coat. “Just be yourself, moron. Yoriko told me that stuff has a way of working itself out. Maybe that’s what’ll happen with you and Hide.”

Be himself, huh? Kaneki wanted to laugh. He didn’t even know who he was anymore. His emotions were a scrambled hodgepodge of extremities; he was depressed, he was elated, he was in pain, he was in bliss. Up was down and down was up. His torture and everything else that had happened had really screwed his mental state up for good, it seemed. Even though it had been over two years ago, its lingering effects still played tricks on his mind and feelings.

 “Hey.” Touka snapped her fingers, and Kaneki tuned back into reality. “I asked if you were still thinking about giving up on him.”

Kaneki sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “No, I won’t give up. I’ll head over there now.”

“Good. You better or I’ll beat your ass, because that guy is the living incarnation of sunshine itself.”

 

* * *

 

Kaneki stopped outside the door of the shop and peered in the windows. A head of bright blond hair could be seen distinctly through the glass, and his heart skipped a beat. Suddenly, someone cleared their throat behind him.

“Sorry,” he said, stepping out of the way to let a middle-aged woman talking on her phone into the shop. She opened the door and then there he was. Sunshine in the form of a person. And oh shit Hide could see him now, he needed to move before he was—

But it was too late. Hide was already coming over from behind the counter to greet him.

“Kaneki!” he said happily. “It’s good to see you, man!”

“You too.” He wondered if Hide knew he had been creeping on him. That would be weird. He probably shouldn’t do that again.

“Let me get this lady’s order; I have a feeling she’s in a hurry,” Hide stated, moving to go back behind the counter. He patiently waited for the woman to pause her conversation before asking her what her what she would like. Kaneki watched from a table as he scribbled down the instructions of the order before handing them off to the worker making the coffee. He then rejoined Kaneki.

“It’s always harder to take down complicated orders when they’re talking on the phone,” he sighed.

“We get a few people like that every now and then where I work, too,” Kaneki said. “You’re right, it’s definitely harder.”

“And then when you repeat what they want and they don’t even listen, and you end up giving them the wrong order and they blame _you_. It’s happened to me once already, and I hope it doesn’t again. Anyways, let’s get off of this topic. How are you doing?”

Kaneki smiled and absently touched his chin. “I’m doing well. Did you catch up on your sleep?”

Hide grinned. “Yep! And I didn’t die after pouring an energy drink into two cups of coffee, so I’d say my life has been pretty successful lately.”

“Geez, Hide, how much sleep do you need to function?”

“Dude, I can’t go less than eight hours or I completely crash and burn. I got seven the night we talked, and the next morning, I was dead until caffeine revived me. I swear, coffee is the best thing ever invented in the history of mankind. I mean, the wheel is pretty cool and all, but coffee definitely takes the prize.”

He nodded in agreement to Hide’s statement. It was funny how different people were. On some occasions, Kaneki managed to function on less than two and a half hours of sleep. He supposed he was just used to it. The nightmares always woke him, and there was no point in trying to sleep after one, so he would get up, get some caffeine flowing through his veins, and read until the horrid thoughts and images drained from his mind.  

“Oh, speaking of coffee, what can I get you, _sir_?” Hide asked, his grin widening.

“One cup of black, please.”

“Coming right up!”

Hide cheerily made Kaneki’s order and brought it over to him, bringing along a cup for himself. “Gross,” he said upon taking a sip, sticking his tongue out. “I don’t see how you like it black. You seem like someone who would order cream with a side of coffee.”

Ironically, that’s exactly what Kaneki used to get. He wasn’t sure if Hide could read him a little too well or if it were just a lucky guess. “Black’s always tasted fine to me,” he replied, giving a small shrug and touching his hand to his chin again. He took a tentative sip and—there was something very wrong with his coffee. “Uh, Hide, what exactly did you put in this?”

Hide scratched his head and smiled sheepishly. “I guess I haven’t gotten better after all. Sorry, I should have warned you—I kind of suck at making coffee.”

Kaneki was baffled. “…But you work in a coffee shop?”

“Yep! I never make it, though, I just take the orders and clean the tables and around the shop. It’s a little shitty, but hey, beggars can’t be choosers, and I definitely begged for this job,” he answered. “I can ask Akihito to make you another cup, if you want.”

“No, no! I mean, it just has an interesting flavor to it, is all. It’s not that bad, really.” To prove his point, Kaneki took a long drink of the coffee, hoping Hide didn’t notice the way his face scrunched up in disgust. But he did, and he laughed.

“You make the best faces, Kaneki,” he chuckled. “I’ll go ask him to make you another.”

Kaneki mumbled a thanks and set the cup down as Hide got up, staring back at his rippling reflection in the dark liquid. Was this okay? Was it alright for him to become close to Hide? The last thing he wanted to do was peg him to be his emotional support, as he often did with friends. Lately, Touka had been the one picking him up, and he wasn’t sure how much longer he could deal with her rigorous methods.

But he didn’t want to burden Hide with his problems.

“Here you go, free of charge!” Hide said as he came back over, handing him a freshly brewed cup of coffee as he sat back down. Kaneki’s head snapped up in surprise. Hide’s expression grew slightly concerned, and he leaned a little over the table. “Hey, are you alright? I’m sorry about the coffee, I won’t try to make it again.”

“No, it’s not that. It was fine, honestly. I was just…” He trailed off, not sure where he was going with his statement. “I just lost myself in thought for a moment, that’s all.”

Hide drew back. “Okay,” he stated. Kaneki was thankful he didn’t pry. “If you ever need to talk, I’m here. I know we’re still practically strangers, but I’ll always listen, okay?”

Kaneki nodded. Hide’s usual, jovial grin came back on his face. “So, let’s hear more about Takatsuki Sen!”

 

* * *

 

Fiddling with the spare key to Touka’s apartment, Kaneki contemplated going inside. If he did, he knew he would instantly be bombarded with a plethora of questions about his “date” with Hide. Had it even been a date? Weren’t dates scheduled? He didn’t really know how it worked—he’d only been on one, and it hadn’t exactly ended well for him.

He figured he might as well get it over with sooner rather than later. Kaneki inserted the key into the lock, twisted it, and opened the door. Touka sat perched on the couch with a plate of food in her lap, idly pushing it around with her fork. Upon entering, she looked his way.

“Well, how’d it go yesterday?”

Quick and straight to the point. Yep, that was Touka.

“I thought it went pretty well,” Kaneki answered, closing the door behind him. “He made me the worst coffee I’ve ever tasted and then got me a new cup free of charge, so I suppose that’s something.”

“But he works in a coffee shop?”

Kaneki smiled. “That’s what I said, too.”

Touka tossed the plate to the side and stretched before changing the channel on the TV. “So, what do you think of him? Is he your type?”

“I don’t really think I have a specific _type_ ,” Kaneki replied, crossing the room and moving to sit in a nearby chair by the sofa. “…But I suppose if I had to pick one, then Hide would be it. He’s…it’s hard to describe. He’s excitable and funny and kind and caring and just makes me feel, I don’t know, relaxed? I feel like he really listens to me and isn’t judgmental. And he’s warm. I can’t elaborate on that because I don’t even understand it.”

“Like I said, the literal incarnation of sunshine. But you know what happens when you get too close to the sun, don’t you?” Touka said, and Kaneki frowned. “Just be careful. I want this to work out for you.”

Unknowingly, she was confirming his fears. “He’s not going to find out I’m a ghoul. I won’t let him.” No, it couldn’t ever come to that. “Shouldn’t you be the one more worried about that kind of stuff, though, Touka? With Yoriko’s parents, I mean.”

Kaneki meant it as a genuine question, but apparently it rubbed Touka the wrong way.

“Mind your own business, Kaneki!” she snapped. “What happens in my life doesn’t concern you, so butt out.”

Unsurprisingly, after her outburst, Touka didn’t further her interrogation. Which was completely fine with Kaneki—if he hadn’t angered her. Which he did. And now, after Touka stomped away and slammed the door shut to her room, he was left alone in the sitting area. Only the sound of the TV filled the heavy silence that settled in the room. He sighed. It seemed like everything he did these days only served to frustrate Touka. She _was_ going through a tough time, though, so it was hard to pin the blame solely on her.

Well, at least the questioning was over. But now, he was left awkwardly sitting in his irate friend’s apartment with nothing to do but stare back at the reporter’s face on the TV as she looked at the camera and delivered the latest news. It was about the recent debate over a new law concerning ghouls. Kaneki shut it off.

Ghouls and humans. Could they ever peacefully coexist with one another? It seemed like it wasn’t working very well so far. Humans still exercised rights and privileges over ghouls that the latter seemed to lack. If a resident in a neighboring apartment to a ghoul lodged a complaint about said ghoul, that person was out of there within the next day. It didn’t even matter how petty the complaint was. All someone had to say was “I feel uncomfortable living next to a ghoul” and, just like that, the ghoul disappeared. Because that was what they had to do, or else they would be reported for disturbing the peace.

Kaneki wasn’t going to lie; it sucked. They were practically still in hiding, tucking away their monstrous identities and adopting the façade of regular humans to attempt to live out their days in peace. He wished it was different, wished that humans and ghouls could form a healthy relationship that benefited all. Sadly, that could take a long, long time.

With Hinami at school and Touka brooding in her bedroom, Kaneki decided to head home. It’s not like he needed them to be home and actively engaging him in conversation for him to stay—he was perfectly content reading his books in solitude over there. But he felt it right for him to leave so that Touka could comfortably be angry in her whole apartment and not just her room.

After picking up a bag of groceries at a convenience store (to make himself look more human), Kaneki rode the train back home and walked the rest of the way to his apartment complex. Just as he was about to unlock his door, there was the sound of heels clacking, and Kaneki knew he might not make it inside for a while.

“Hello, Kaneki,” Akira Mado, who lived in the apartment three doors down from Kaneki, said to him. “Are you faring well?”

Kaneki turned and managed to smile wearily at Akira. She was very beautiful; there was no doubt about that. But the menacing air she radiated seemed to scare away anyone who found themselves wanting to get close. That seemed to be Akira’s preference, though. She held herself strongly and sturdily, never faltering and hardly ever making mistakes. Her intuition was nothing to sneeze at either. And, on top of all that, she was a ghoul investigator who worked for the CCG.

She was a very dangerous woman.

“Hello, Akira-san. I’m doing well, yes. How are you?” he replied.

“I’m fine. What do you have there?” She nodded her head at the grocery bag in his left hand.

Kaneki regretted his decision to try to seem more human. Akira, like any other investigator, was aware of his status as a ghoul. “Just…groceries.”

She raised her eyebrows. “And what do you need groceries for?”

He quietly sighed. “I was just trying to seem normal,” he mumbled.

Akira didn’t look impressed. “You shouldn’t waste your time and money on that. Nobody here pays any attention to anyone other than themselves. If they did, you wouldn’t currently be residing here at the moment. Just keeping your head down should be enough.”

Kaneki nodded and moved to fit his key into his door’s lock. “Thank you for the advice, Akira-san. I’ll keep that in mind,” he stated, opening his door.

“Keep out of trouble, Kaneki.”

And with that, she was gone. Kaneki was grateful she let him out of the conversation quickly. Closing the door behind him, he trudged over to his sofa and collapsed on it. Maybe he should try to sleep. He pulled the book he was currently engrossed in out of the grocery bag before angrily throwing it to the side along with the rest of the bag’s contents. A carton of milk, two yogurts, a loaf of bread, and packaged ham all hit the floor with _thuds_ that rang out in the empty apartment.

Throwing things like a child hadn’t made him feel any better, so he turned away from the foodstuffs that now littered the floor and buried his face into the sofa. Kaneki couldn’t recall a time he wanted to return to being human more than he did right then. If he were still human, he wouldn’t have to deal with all of this. He would have calmly tucked the groceries away with the rest of his normal human food, slept and dreamt of normal human things, worked at a job with other humans, and lived out his human life tranquilly.

But no. He just _had_ to find Rize, that binge-eating bitch, attractive.

If he had just stuck to his routine of shying away from anyone he found remotely pleasing to the eye, he wouldn’t be a ghoul, and thus his life wouldn’t be an endless cycle of picking up the shattered fragments of his feeble sanity and slowly gluing them back together with a child’s glue stick.

It was like trying to complete a puzzle with missing pieces. The picture was there and he knew what it was, but it wasn’t complete, and it never would be complete because those pieces were purged from him mind, gone forever. He was forever doomed to live out his days not fully intact, grasping for bits of his mental health and stability that had vanished a long time ago.

Yeah, that pretty much summed him up.

How could Hide like someone like _him?_ Why did he think he even had a chance? He was probably just humoring him, trying him on for size like a new pair of shoes. He would break him in, and once he did, toss him aside in the back of the closet.

 _No, Hide isn’t like that_ , Kaneki told himself. _He wouldn’t toss me away. But I can’t burden him with my problems. Not ever._

“I’m sorry, Hide,” he whispered out loud. “I’m a fucking mess.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> long note ahead:  
> ok so there's gonna be a smut scene in the later chapters but it's only one, so I really don't want to rate the whole fic as explicit when it's only like 2000 out of a lot of words. and the scene isn't rly as explicit as other smut scenes in my opinion? I mean yeah it's sex but idk. so I was wondering if you guys think it's ok if I just make it rated m instead of e and warn in the tags when we get to that point. if not I'll just make it e then. I just wanted to check before doing so (even though it's a long way away haha)
> 
> thanks for reading!


	4. don't look at me, don't look for me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys! so I just wanted to let you know that the update next wednesday will come a little later on during the day because I have band camp until pretty late. anyways, I hope you guys are enjoying the story so far! I love writing Kaneki's and Hide's characters so much, they're both just such interesting and dynamic characters and just. I love them so much he lp

“Yo, Kaneki!”

Kaneki turned at the sound of his name and saw Hide walking towards him, waving and smiling cheerfully. He smiled back and returned his wave, replacing the book in his hands in its proper place on the shelf. “Thank you for meeting me here, Hide. I know it’s a little far for you,” he said once he reached him.

Hide waved his hand dismissively. “It’s no biggie; I had to return something to a store nearby here anyways, so it turned out to be convenient. So, whatcha got planned for us?”

He and Hide had been taking turns choosing places to go for the past three weeks. They hung out every day that they could, sparing any free moment to spend with each other. Most of the time was spent doing trivial things they didn’t like to do alone, such as shopping for a birthday gift for Hide’s mom (they ended up getting her a variety of lotions) or getting groceries. Yes, Hide had actually invited him to go grocery shopping with him.

And Kaneki had gladly accepted.

At the moment, though, they were in the public library. Kaneki had been scouring the shelves for anything that caught his eye for fifteen minutes, and that’s when Hide showed up.

“I was hoping we could walk to some of the nearby bookstores around here,” Kaneki said, scratching his neck sheepishly. His smile turned slightly nervous. Hide didn’t read that much; why would he want to go with him to bookstores?

“Lead the way, Kaneki!” Hide chimed, beaming.

Oh. Well then.

Hide talked of random things as they walked the streets of Tokyo, his mind flying from one subject to the next. Kaneki occasionally gave a few noises of acknowledgement or nodded to keep him going, engulfing himself in the sound of Hide’s voice. It didn’t matter what he was talking about. Every word he spoke was full of life and energy, and Kaneki was drowning in it. It was incredible.

Hide’s voice wasn’t mellifluous, nor was it raspy. It wasn’t high-pitched but it wasn’t low enough for women to swoon at his every word. It was the perfect blend of all these things, and it only served to better his personality. It carried out his thoughts wholly and gave them a splash of spirit and vitality. It was almost embarrassing how much he was entranced by it.

“And that’s how I wasted three pots of coffee in one day,” Hide concluded, obviously proud of himself.

Kaneki chuckled. “I’m not sure that’s something to be so enthusiastic about.”

“It’s a skill, Kaneki. Unfortunately, you don’t possess this skill, so you’ll never understand its usefulness.”

“And its usefulness would be?”

“…When I think of something, I’ll let you know.”

He gave a huff of a laugh. Hide grinned at him and nudged him in the arm with his elbow, to which Kaneki nudged back. Hide nudged him again a little harder. He did the same. And then they were in a nudging fight, and suddenly Kaneki nudged a little too hard, and Hide was falling and Kaneki was grabbing him and—

“You sure know how to sweep someone off their feet, Kaneki.”

One of Kaneki’s arms was now around Hide’s waist, the other gripping his arm. The limb Kaneki wasn’t holding was wrapped around his torso for support. Their faces were close, too close, and Kaneki’s eyes widened as Hide gave him a small smile. It was different from his usual grins, which were wide and cheery. This one was rather tentative and reserved, but it still stretched to Hide’s eyes and Kaneki knew it was sincere.

In the passing crowd, someone cleared their throat, and Kaneki came back to his senses. He released Hide, who stepped back and brushed himself off, despite not falling. They stood there awkwardly for a moment before Hide cleared his own throat and ushered Kaneki to continue leading them to the bookstore. Kaneki gladly obliged.

 _You sure know how to sweep someone off their feet, Kaneki._ What did that mean? Could that mean Hide… _liked_ him? Well, he _had_ given Kaneki his number upon first meeting him, so he figured he at least had a slight interest in him. But the notion that Kaneki had swept Hide off his feet was certainly something.

“I’ve never been in here before, but it feels nostalgic,” Hide commented upon entering their destination, an old bookstore that sold used books. “I like it.”

“There’s actually a word for that,” Kaneki replied, stepping up to a shelf. Carefully tracing his fingers across the spines of the books, he searched for an unknown title to pique his interest. He had been in this bookstore many times before. Besides the library, it was one of his favorite places to get new reading material. The books, having been used, were cheap, but most were in good condition.

Hide plucked a random title off the shelf Kaneki was browsing. “What’s the word, oh wise and scholarly friend of mine?”

Kaneki pulled out an old copy of a book his father used to own. It was a tale of Greek myths. His favorite had been the story of Icarus, the boy who flew on wax wings before falling into the ocean. “Vellichor,” he answered. “It means ‘the strange wistfulness of used bookstores’.”

“Vellichor, huh?” Hide repeated, intrigued. “Learn something new every day.”

Kaneki smiled to himself as he replaced the book. And then his smile dropped after Hide’s next words.

“So, I read _The Black Goat’s Egg_ and _The Metamorphosis_.”

“Y-you did?” Kaneki stammered in surprise.

“Yep! I actually really liked _The Metamorphosis_. The plot and story were interesting. Can you imagine wanting to eat rotten cheese all the time, though? Talk about gross. The idea of the other one was pretty cool, too. I liked the protagonist’s character. All I wanted was for him to just stay safe and be happy,” Hide said, chuckling. “Maybe this is why I don’t read fiction often. I get _way_ too attached to the characters.”

Kaneki forced a laugh. “I get what you mean. But, uh, Hide, you didn’t have to read those books just because I mentioned them…”

He smiled and shrugged. “I figured I might as well. It gives us something to talk about, right?”

“…Yeah, I guess it does.”

Hide set down the book he was holding, giving Kaneki the same look he gave him at the coffee shop a few weeks back. “Are you okay, Kaneki? Did you not want me to read them?”

“No! I mean, no, I just—I’m surprised, is all.” He took a deep breath. “Nobody’s ever read books just because I mentioned I liked them,” he murmured quietly.

“Well, I think they should, because those were some damn good books. I hope if anyone ever went through the same thing, though, that they’d turn out alright. Hypothetically, how do you think you would help someone like that, Kaneki?”

“Ah…maybe just talking? Talking helps open people up, I think. And I suppose trying to understand them would also be a good start. Then they might be willing to let you help,” Kaneki answered.

Hide nodded sagely. “I think that’s good advice. Want to look around some more now?”

“Yeah, let’s do that.”

In the end, Kaneki ended up with three new books and two others at another store they ventured to. Hide bought a novel via Kaneki’s recommendation and stated excitedly that he would get to reading it as soon as possible. They then went to a nearby coffee shop, where they sat and discussed upcoming work and school schedules.

“I’m free all day Thursday. The owner’s taking a personal day and gave all the employees the day off.” Hide took a sip of his coffee. “Does that work for you?”

“I work the morning and afternoon shift that day,” Kaneki replied. “But I could meet you somewhere afterwards.”

Hide hummed in approval before his eyes lit up. “Oh! How about I just swing by where you work? I haven’t been there before, and I’d love to try the coffee. Do you guys have pastries?”

Kaneki immediately felt panic surge through him. He was certain Touka was on the same shift as him that day, and he really didn’t feel like being teased in front of Hide, even if she meant well. That aside, he wanted to keep Hide away from as many ghouls as possible, and that meant keeping him away from :re.

But he couldn’t control what Hide did. What if he decided to go without telling Kaneki first? What if some binge-eating she-ghoul decided he would make a tasty snack after a date and killed him? Or worse—put him in Kaneki’s situation. Even though ghouls and humans were supposed to be “getting along” now, there were still some pesky ones that stuck to their usual habits of killing for fun and eating when they didn’t have to. Old habits die hard, he supposed.

Having a human friend was so unnecessarily complicated.

“I don’t really know if that’s a good idea,” Kaneki said hesitantly.

“Huh? Why’s that?”

“It’s just…Touka can be pretty snarky sometimes, and she might tease you if you show up for me. I don’t want to subject you to that.”

Hide laughed. “Aw, I’ll be fine! But thanks for looking out for me, Kaneki. Is Touka one of the people you were with when we first met?”

“Yeah, she was the dark-haired one,” he replied, sipping from his cup of black coffee. “She’s hard to get to know. It took a while before she finally opened up to me.”

“She _does_ seem a little intimidating,” Hide said, grinning. “I think one sip of my coffee and she’d open right up, though.”

“Or never speak to you again.” _Which wouldn’t be a bad thing_ , Kaneki added in his mind.

Hide gasped and clutched a hand over his heart. “I’m hurt, Kaneki! You’ve slain me with your evil words!” Kaneki laughed, and Hide’s grin broadened. “How will I ever recover from the shame you’ve thrown me in?”

Kaneki took another drink from his cup. “You could start by learning to make better coffee.” He was definitely opening up, he noted. He never would have said that before becoming more comfortable with someone.  

“Please, teach me your ways, Kaneki! Teach me your ways of coffee-making!”

“I don’t know if you’re worthy, Hide.”

“I’ll prove it to you! I’ll make you the best damn coffee you’ve ever tasted, I swear on my grave.”

Kaneki laughed once again. “Okay, I’ll teach you. You can come over on Thursday once my shift is over and we’ll start then.”

Hide smiled triumphantly. “I knew you would make the right decision.”

 

* * *

 

Hide sat alone in his apartment later that day, a fond smile finding its way onto his lips as he thought about Kaneki. He wondered what his apartment would be like. He imagined it being colored in soft tones, like his personality. Comely furniture probably filled the rooms, and he decided it would be organized but just messy enough to feel inviting. A book or two here, a coffee cup there, and maybe a few dirty dishes still waiting to be washed in the sink.

Hide’s own apartment was like that—untidiness that could be straightened in a fair amount of time without too much trouble. He liked it; it made the place feel like home. But his room was a different story.

Taped to the walls of his room were pictures and notes about ghouls he had been compiling for years. It started as an innocent hobby, really. Investigating was fun. He enjoyed figuring out the patterns and piecing together tiny clues he obtained from the CCG’s files and his own detective work. And then it turned into something bigger, something he became obsessed with.

There was one ghoul in particular, though, he had always had his eye on. The pictures of him were blurry and out of focus, as if the photographer were running for his life while he took them. He was first known as Eyepatch, but the alias was switched out for Centipede after it was revealed he was a kakuja.

Centipede was a highly dangerous SS-rated ghoul with a rinkaku kagune capable of taking out multiple investigators at a time. There was no doubt he was fearsome. Hide wondered if the CCG had managed to apprehend him or if he had escaped and was now living as a ghoul blended in with human society. He felt it was the latter. Centipede wouldn’t just give himself up without a fight; there would have been extensive news coverage on the story if there had been a showdown between him and the CCG at any point in time. There hadn’t been any killings done by him a while, either. No, there was no doubt in his mind Centipede had resigned himself to living docilely.

And he was also certain the ghoul was using the new laws concerning ghouls to his advantage. By creating a fake ghoul identity and exposing himself to the CCG, he would be written off as someone else and be able to live without trouble. He would most likely claim to be an unknown ghoul, one who wasn’t on the CCG’s radar and who was willing to comply with whatever they wanted. That was the only way for him to get out of trouble.

Hide sighed and tossed away an especially blurry picture of the ghoul. In it, he was running so fast the camera barely managed to capture him. Only a haze of red, black, and white could be seen. The white was his hair; Hide knew this from another photo of the back of him. It reminded him of Kaneki’s.

His eyes settled on his copy of _The Metamorphosis_ by Kafka. It was one of the books Kaneki stated he could relate to the protagonists of. Hide had spent much time pondering that after reading both it and _The Black Goat’s Egg_. He wondered if Kaneki went through a transformation at some point in his life similar to the young man who became an insect. It was a strange idea, but could something similar have happened to him?

People couldn’t turn into animals or insects. But…what about ghouls? Ghouls were just humans with an extra organ and enzyme. If a person’s Rc level spiked enough, did that turn them into a ghoul? Could kakuhous grow from extra Rc cells in the bloodstream? Or what if you could transplant a kakuhou into a human, thus turning them into a ghoul?

Something tugged at Hide’s mind, and he struggled to remember it. Wasn’t there someone by the name of Kaneki Ken who went to Kamii, the university he attended, at one point? Yes, that was right, he vaguely remembered a rather frail-looking black-haired boy in his Asian History class during freshman year. And then he got into an accident, stayed out of school, and came back for a short time before disappearing altogether.

He was grasping at straws here, but the pieces were slowly falling into place.

Kaneki wasn’t a common surname. In fact, Hide had never heard it before. While that wasn’t much to go off of—after all, there _were_ over thirteen million people in Tokyo—it had to mean something that the Kaneki he knew shared his name with this other Kaneki.

Hide immediately opened his laptop and began researching. Around the time he disappeared the first time, a boy and girl were involved in an incident that killed the girl and left the boy incapacitated. The girl’s kidney was given to the boy without consent of the family, which caused problems for the doctor who performed the surgery—Kanou Akihiro. There was lots of controversy involved in the case, which was what mainly came up in the searches, but that wasn’t what he was searching for.

Name, name, he needed a name. What was the boy’s name? Hide searched every corner of the web, scrounging for the kanji that would make everything clear.

And then he found it.

Staring back at him from the screen was a fuzzy photograph of the quiet, reserved boy in his Asian History class. Staring back at him was the Kaneki Ken he knew. There was no question; that was his face. Those were his gray eyes and that was his timid smile. But those eyes were filled with so much life, and he couldn’t even find a trace of dark circles under them, a stark contrast to now. And what happened to his hair? It was black back then, and now it was completely white.

Under the photo, the caption read: _Kaneki Ken, one of two people involved in the steel beam accident_ , and that sealed the deal. Hide was now certain Kaneki Ken was a ghoul. That was why he connected with the protagonist of Kafka’s novel. He underwent a change from human into ghoul and was forced to eat something that would have been disgusting to him previously. And Takatsuki Sen’s work—he related himself to the child of the Black Goat, who was essentially the Black Goat’s Egg. Except in his situation, he was the ghoul’s egg. The girl he received the transplant from had to have been a ghoul, thus making her his “mother.” It all made sense now.

Then…could he be Centipede? Hide hadn’t seen white hair on anyone else, but it could merely be a coincidence. People dyed their hair all kinds of colors these days. It would be presumptuous of him to assume anything, so he dismissed the idea.  

It’s not like it made a difference to Hide if Kaneki were a ghoul. Even though he had only known him for a couple weeks, Kaneki was important to him, and he just wanted him to stay safe. He would help him no matter what, SS-rated ghoul or no. Kaneki was still a person who deserved the same kindness and respect he gave others. Hide wanted to let him know it was okay, that he didn’t have to hide it from him. But how?

How, indeed. That was a tricky question. Well, if the opportunity presented itself, Hide was, without a doubt, going to take it.

He just hoped it showed up soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope Hide's realization wasn't too presumptuous, I wanted to move some things around and nothing would fit, but I think it's okay.
> 
> thanks for reading!


	5. unravel me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 12 hours of band camp every day...
> 
> somebody please put me out of my misery

Kaneki was busying himself cleaning the countertops as his shift neared its end when the familiar tinkling of the bell signaled a new customer. “Welcome to Re,” he stated with a smile, looking up from his task. His smile wavered when he saw who it was.

“Kaneki! How ya doing, man?” Hide exclaimed, excitedly capering over to the counter. “One caramel latte with extra milk, please.”

Kaneki nodded, setting aside the rags he’d been using and washing his hands before beginning to prepare Hide’s drink. He supposed it was alright that Hide was here right now. Touka had left a little early, Yomo was upstairs organizing the bills, and there was only one other male ghoul in the shop at the moment. “I’m doing well. It wasn’t too busy today, which is a nice change. How’s your day off?”

“Spectacular,” Hide answered, grinning. “I bought myself ice cream to celebrate the money I’m not making. Life’s pretty good.”

Kaneki chuckled as he made the coffee. He brought it over to the table Hide had taken a seat at a few moments later, carefully placing it in front of his friend. He sat down across from him as Hide took a sip, his eyes lighting up.

“Okay, this is literally the most amazing coffee I’ve ever tasted in my life,” he said. “If there were a coffee-making Olympics, you would totally get the gold.”

Kaneki felt a tinge of pride. “Thank you, Hide.”

“No prob! So, where’s your friend? It’s Touka, right?”

“Ah, she left earlier. She said she needed to do something important and asked if I could cover the rest of her shift.”

Hide took another sip of coffee, a happy look on his face. “That’s nice of you to do.”

Kaneki shrugged and looked away as he felt a warmth he had come to associate with Hide spreading throughout his body. “It’s not really a big deal. It wasn’t busy today, anyways.”

“Still, though.” Hide looked at him seriously. “You’re a good person, Kaneki. I think you should know that.”

Kaneki could have laughed, and he almost did. Oh man, if only Hide knew the truth, he’d be laughing along with him. Him, a good person? _Him?_ He had _murdered_ people. He had killed simply because he couldn’t stop and because it felt _good_. How was someone who got a rush of pleasure from ripping the entrails out of someone a good person?

The answer—they weren’t.

“Thanks,” was Kaneki’s quiet reply. He wished so badly he could correct Hide’s misconception of him, but that wouldn’t make anything better. It was best for him to go on believing Kaneki was a quiet and kind person who couldn’t harm a fly, much less a person. The less he knew, the better. Ignorance was truly bliss.

If Hide ever found out, Kaneki’s newly-built world would immediately crumble. He was slowly creating a new heliocentric life for himself, one that solely revolved around the one and only sunshine in his life. And if that sun burnt out, he would be left with nothing yet again.

It was a dangerous game to grow close to people. Kaneki learned that from a young age and applied that way of thinking to everything he did. He never let himself get too comfortable because that comfort would never last. He distanced himself from people, from reality, trying desperately to survive alone in his own head. He was the only person who would never leave because he was stuck with himself until he died. And then he made the mistake of stumbling upon Touka at Anteiku one late night while starving, and his life changed. He grew close to the people of Anteiku, cared for them deeply, and it all came crashing down in the end.

The world was shitty like that.

Out of everything, picking up the pieces was his least favorite part, though. That was when he recollected everything that had happened, tried desperately to convince himself everything would be okay, and then swam in agony for weeks, trying not to drown. And sometimes he just wanted to go under, wanted to sink to the bottom and never float back up. Wanted his lungs to fill with fluid so he could choke on his own sorrows because that was all he knew how to do these days.

If Hide knew, Kaneki just might not ever resurface again.

“Kaneki?”

Kaneki was tugged out of his reverie by Hide’s voice. “Yeah?”

“I asked if your shift was over. It just hit four, is that when you get off?”

“Oh. Yeah, I’m finished now. Let me get changed upstairs and I’ll be right down.”

“Okay, I’ll be here.”

Hide watched as Kaneki made his way behind the counter and up the steps. It felt as though there were a weight on his chest; something was definitely bothering Kaneki. He had an inkling his comment had triggered something in him, something Hide didn’t like to see. When it happened, Kaneki blanked out and stared off into space, a somewhat distressed and dismal expression on his face.

Kaneki didn’t think he was a good person. Hide wished he wouldn’t be so hard on himself. If he were a ghoul—and Hide was ninety-nine percent sure he was—then the things he had to do couldn’t be helped. Sure, they weren’t exactly _good_ things, but Kaneki was kind and gentle and the very definition of good at heart. In fact, they should rewrite the definition of good in the dictionary as “Kaneki Ken.”

His intentions were pure. This, Hide knew. He knew anything Kaneki did would be for the sake of others. That was just who he was. He put others before himself, always worried about them, and neglected himself because of it. That was where the problems began.

Over the weeks he’d known Kaneki, Hide had been collecting and storing data on him. It wasn’t even intentionally—it just happened. Even though Kaneki was sure to not include anything too personal in their conversations, Hide quickly picked up on his emotional tendencies, and they weren’t very good. Shutting himself out from the world, disregarding and blaming himself, and so forth. It made him sad. It made him really, really sad to see someone suffer so much. He could see it in those gray eyes, eyes which should have been light but were now dull and dark.

What horrible things had happened to him during his time as a ghoul?

Kaneki reemerged from behind the counter a few moments later, now dressed in a navy t-shirt, black hoodie, and dark jeans. His attire was a stark contrast to his hair. Hide couldn’t help but recall the photograph of him more than two years ago, in which he was wearing a white collared shirt under a light blue patterned sweater. It was a cute, endearing look, really. His style now was darker and edgier, as if to consummate the changes within him.

Hide couldn’t deny he was curious as to what occurred that sparked this second transformation, but he would never press. If Kaneki wanted to tell him at any point, he would.

“I’m ready,” Kaneki said, walking up to Hide. “Let me put away your cup first.”

Picking up the now-empty cup and saucer, he went back behind the counter and rinsed them before tucking them away in their proper places. They then left, taking the train to Kaneki’s apartment complex. It was rather crowded at that time, and Hide was squished in between Kaneki and an old man who he was pretty sure was trying to feel him up.

After getting off the train, they continued walking, Hide with his arms casually behind his head and Kaneki with his hands in his pockets. Entering the complex, they headed for the elevator.

“Ah, hold on a second!” Hide called to the person within the elevator as they rushed over to it as it closed. The person pressed a button and it opened for them, and Hide said their thanks as they hopped on. And then he saw who the person was.

“Nagachika, it’s good to see you,” Akira stated, looking him over.

“Akira-san! I didn’t know you lived here,” Hide replied, smiling widely. Kaneki looked nervously between them, his eyes shifting back and forth.

Hide knew Akira from his time spent working at the CCG as an office intern. It had paid well for the type of work he did, but once his college schedule grew somewhat hectic and he needed to bump up his grades, he resigned to focus on his studies. His working hours also overlapped with class hours, which had been another problem. It had been a good experience, though, and he definitely wouldn’t mind working there again.

Akira put away a paper in her hands. “I do, yes. How have your studies been faring?”

Hide gave her a thumbs up. “They’re just fine. I work at a coffee shop now. It’s a big change from the CCG, but I like it.” Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed Kaneki tense.

Akira nodded at his words. “That’s good to hear. We’ve gone through three interns since you left. None of them are efficient enough. If you’re ever able to come back, I’m certain there’s still a place for you.” Hide smiled and nodded, and she turned to Kaneki. “It’s nice to see you too, Kaneki. Are you well?”

“Yes,” Kaneki answered quietly.

“I wasn’t aware you knew Nagachika. How long have you two been acquaintances?”

“…About a month.”

There was something in Akira’s eyes Hide couldn’t decipher. “I see,” she stated.

The elevator door opened, and all three of them got off. They stopped in front of a door Hide presumed to be Kaneki’s, as he pulled out a key and fiddled with it shakily before managing to unlock his apartment. “Be careful, boys,” Akira said to them. She then made her way to her own apartment and disappeared inside. Hide’s eyes lingered on the empty air where she stood opening her door before he stepped into Kaneki’s residence.

To say the least, it was not what he’d imagined. He had expected soft tones and homely furniture, but instead was greeted with plain walls and bareness. The blinds were all closed, and what little light that managed to slip in served only to illuminate the cold hardwood flooring. There was a sofa with two cheap chairs near it. End tables stacked with books were placed on either side of the large piece of furniture. A television sat on a small bookshelf, which was also filled with books, in front of the dingy sitting area. A small kitchen was off to the right.

In short, everything Hide saw looked sad and without meaning. It almost felt as if what little furniture Kaneki owned had been infused with hopelessness.

“Kaneki, this place is the literal definition of dreary.”

Kaneki smiled wearily. “Touka says that, too. It’s one of the reasons I don’t spend a lot of time here.”

“You know what? We should get you a home makeover!” Hide exclaimed. “We’ll repaint the walls, maybe put in some new flooring, get you some better furniture, and open the blinds—geez, why do you keep them shut?” He crossed the room and yanked down on the cord keeping the apartment dark, and light suddenly poured into the room. “There, isn’t that better?”

“I guess…”

“Hmm…what should we start with first? These chairs definitely have to go, they make me depressed just looking at them. What if we got som—“

“Hide,” Kaneki interrupted, sighing. “I don’t have enough money to renovate my apartment. It’s not worth it, anyways. Like I said, I don’t spend a lot of time here.”

What Kaneki didn’t mention was that even if he did have the money, redecorating would be all for naught in the end, as he would most likely be getting kicked out in a few months’ time. If the landlord ever did a background check on him—he was thankful she hadn’t already, unlike most—he would be kicked to the curb in a heartbeat, and freshly painted walls weren’t exactly something he could take with him.

“But when you do spend time at home, can you honestly say you feel a burst of joy in your heart upon seeing these walls?” Hide made a wild gesture to the unpainted surfaces. “Look at them! They’re practically _begging_ for my help.”

“I thought you came over here to learn how to make coffee, not to criticize my decorating. Or lack thereof,” he added on the end.

“I did! C’mon, Kaneki, let me help you. It doesn’t have to be a lot, and I’ll even pitch in some of my own money if I have to. Please?”

Kaneki opened and closed his mouth in surprise. A guy he had met around a month ago was willing to give him money to help him redecorate, and for what? So he wouldn’t have to look at barren walls? “I can’t let you do that, Hide. That’s too much,” he said.

Hide frowned. “It’s not too much if I _want_ to do it. This place would seriously depress me if I had to spend too much time in it, and since we’ll be hanging out a lot, then I’ll probably be over here a lot. And I don’t want it to depress you, either.”

“Hide…”

“Don’t worry about it, Kaneki! The next date we go on can be to a home furniture store, and we’ll start from there. Sound good?”

Kaneki’s breath hitched at the word “date.” Hide—he considered the times they hung out to be dates? It suddenly felt as if his brain weren’t getting enough oxygen, and he forced himself to remain calm. _Breathe, just breathe,_ he repeated in his mind.

Did this mean Hide considered them to be dating? Did _he_ even consider them to be dating? He had no clue. Being with Hide felt like being with an old friend. An old friend whom he had feelings for. And wanted to hug and kiss and stay up with late at night talking about the trivial things of life. Okay, so he definitely liked Hide. Sure, he’d thought he was attractive and liked him upon first meeting him, but that didn’t guarantee that he would _like like_ him. He could have had the worst personality in the world.

Of course, Hide’s personality was extremely far from the worst. In fact, it was probably one of the best.

God, he sounded like a junior high schoolgirl with a crush.

“Kaneki? You okay?” Hide asked.

“Y-yeah!” he answered. “I’m fine. Uh, I guess that’s alright. But we’re not buying anything big, got it?”

Hide let out a whoop of joy. “Okay, now that that’s taken care of, it’s time to teach me how to make coffee!”

 

* * *

 

Kaneki glanced at the clock. It was almost closing time. There were no more customers trickling in at the eleventh hour, which meant it was time to start packing up for the night. As he was busy wiping down the tables, a voice spoke behind him.

“It’s your night, Kaneki.”

He turned and saw Yomo, who was dressed in his usual collared trench coat and slacks. His mouth formed into a thin line. “Yeah…I know.”

With that, Yomo placed the keys to :re on the counter and left, leaving Kaneki alone in the shadows of shop. He sighed. Even though this night only came once every three months, he still dreaded it and aimed to get it over with quickly.

Finishing up his cleaning, Kaneki put away everything that wasn’t supposed to be out before turning off the lights and exiting the shop, locking it behind him. A trash bag he’d retrieved from the upstairs was stuffed into his jacket pocket. He hailed a cab and asked to be dropped off a few blocks from his destination.

Once he was at the construction site, he let his nose do the rest of the work, following it blindly. Yes, it was there—the smell of a human corpse. Tracing it back to its origin wasn’t hard, and he soon arrived at the body. It was a man in his early twenties. He inspected the limbs, feeling them for signs of stiffness. Good, rigor mortis had yet to set in.

Now came the part Kaneki despised. Taking out a knife, he began to cut into the exposed flesh, cleanly slicing off slabs of meat and throwing them into the bag. He then got the clothes off and began getting into the meatier parts. His mouth watered slightly as the knife slipped through the muscles in the thigh with ease, cutting off yet more meat. Thighs were his favorite. The parcels the CCG sent him were lacking in rich flavor, maybe just one bite wouldn’t—

 _No_ , he told himself. _Stay focused._

Finally, he had harvested all the meat that he could. He took a step back and stole a final glance at the carved up body before leaving. The trash bag was now rather heavy, but it was nothing he couldn’t handle.

Staying hidden in the shadows, Kaneki made his way back to :re through the alleyways of Tokyo. He came upon another ghoul feasting on a woman at one point, but ignored him. If he wanted to risk being caught killing, that was his choice.

Fortunately, he made it back with no problems. Slipping into the shop quietly, he went upstairs and threw the garbage bag filled with meat in the freezer. Yomo would clean, package, and store the meat tomorrow. All Kaneki had to do on his day was obtain it.

The police had eventually found out about the ledge where people tended to commit suicide, which meant they needed a new place to retrieve humane food. They discovered that construction sites were also a popular place to commit suicide; the steep drops and ledges made for the perfect way to die, and the bodies would be easily found and returned to their families within a day or two. Or be feasted on by ghouls. Either way, it worked.

Even though he had been doing this for longer than he could remember and was almost numb to it, Kaneki still felt a twinge of guilt whenever he carved up a suicide victim’s body and chucked their meat into a bag. He wondered what went through their mind as they jumped, as their body reached terminal velocity while hurtling toward the hard ground below that would split their skull in two. He wondered if they regretted it or realized the solution to their problems was right in front of them all along, but it was too late, because as the world became a blur of color around them, they knew they would be gone in a matter of seconds.

Pushing the morbid thoughts out of his head, Kaneki shut the freezer and went back downstairs. He left the shop with a tight feeling in his chest, and the train ride home was a solemn one. As he opened the door to his apartment and flipped on the lights, he took a look around at his sad, pathetic home.

Hide was right. It _was_ depressing, and it made him bitter to see it. Why did he have to be like this? Why did he have to mope around all the time? Why was he scared to trust, to put his faith in someone and leave the rest to them? Why couldn’t he let someone in past his thick walls of cautiousness and anxiety to help him solve his problems, for once?

Sudden anger welled up in him, and it was too much to hold back. “ _Fuck!_ ” he shouted, swiping his sketchbook off the nearby table. It hit the wall, its pages splaying out and creasing at odd places. But that wasn’t enough. Kaneki kicked over the single wooden chair at the table before smashing it to pieces. More, he needed more. He needed to hurt, to ravage, to destroy, and he didn’t care what it was.

He punched a hole in the wall, cursing it for taunting him with its bareness and ugliness. He punched it again and again and again until his knuckles were red and bleeding and pieces of the wall were everywhere. God, that felt good. The pain felt good, hurting felt good, but it felt horrible at the same time. It was like a cold fire burning in his chest, spreading through his veins and setting ablaze everything in its path.

He needed a better outlet. He needed to kill.

In a haze, Kaneki grabbed his black hoodie and zipped it up all the way, pulling the hood over his head. He was already in dark jeans and shoes, so that was fine. He hastily left the complex, desperately looking for an alleyway where he could commit his treacherous deed. Suddenly, his phone vibrated.

Kaneki’s hand subconsciously went to his back pocket as he jogged, and he pulled out the device and looked at the message before slowing to a stop.

 _hey man! just thought you should know i found the coolest thing ever for your apartment. don’t ask because i’m not telling!!_ (•̀ᴗ•́) _anyways, what time are we meeting again tomorrow? i forgot haha_

It took him a moment to process the words, and then tears were leaking from Kaneki’s eyes before he could stop them. “Hide…” he whispered. “I’m so sorry.”

Wiping away the tears, Kaneki turned to go back home. All the anger had drained out of him at once, and he was left with only a hollow emptiness in its place. He no longer felt the desire to hurt himself or anyone else; the only thing he wanted to do was sleep and forget about that night, to wake up in the morning and go on with life normally. There was so much he wanted to forget that he hadn’t, though, so he knew this would be no different.

A cold rain began to fall from the sky overhead, making him shiver beneath his clothing. Once home, he collapsed on his bed, curled up into fetal position, and slept.

He didn’t text Hide back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> angsty Kaneki is angsty rip
> 
> thanks for reading!


	6. please don't take my sunshine away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (even when skies are cloudy and gray)
> 
> bye

The following morning was a shitty one.

Kaneki felt just as dismal as the night before, moping around his apartment at a slow pace. He was tired. He was so, so tired. Even though he’d slept late, he still felt as though he’d stayed up all night. He didn’t even bother to go to his shift at :re that morning, either. If he did, he knew all his time would have been spent doing his best not to collapse into a messy heap of emotions. Touka had already called him three times already, none of which he answered. He’d make it up to her eventually.

As he trudged toward the kitchen, he passed the broken chair and the hole in the wall. He’d have to get that fixed without the landlord finding out about it. Bending over, he picked up his sketchbook off the floor and placed it back on the table. He flipped through a few of the pages to make sure they were okay, straightening out any creases he came upon. His eyes lingered on a portrait of Hide he’d drawn from memory. While he had felt proud after drawing it—it was actually a very decent portrait—all he felt now was solemnness towards it. He didn’t deserve to see that smile or those bright eyes. He didn’t deserve anything.

Closing the sketchbook, Kaneki went into the kitchen and begrudgingly began to make himself coffee. All he really wanted to do was sleep. He debated on whether or not he should try to get a little more rest before attempting to sort himself out.

 _Like I’ll even get any_ , he thought bitterly to himself as he abandoned the coffee-making supplies and shuffled over to the couch, which he lied down upon. Eyes closed, he tried his best to push any and all thoughts out of his head, to just lie there with an empty mind.

After half an hour, he managed to fall asleep. Unlike usual, his dreams were filled with gray nothingness, an empty void of life and color.

And he wouldn’t have had it any other way.

 

* * *

 

“Kaneki? You awake, buddy?”

Kaneki’s eyelids fluttered open. The first thing he registered was the blond hair, and then the red and orange headphones hanging off someone’s neck. Hide’s concerned face, which was close to his, came into focus, and he blinked.

“Hide..?”

Hide leaned back and smiled easily. “Hey there, sleeping beauty. I got a call from Touka while I was at work asking why you hadn’t shown up for your shift. She thought we were off goofing around or something.” He gave a huff of a laugh. “She was furious, by the way. But then I told her I hadn’t seen or heard from you about anything, and she got worried and asked me to stop by. To be honest, I was a little worried too. I guess it’s good she somehow got my number, or else I wouldn’t have known to come by. You should really lock your door, by the way.”

“Last night?”

Suddenly, memories of his anger and his actions came flooding back to him, and his eyes widened. He covered his face with his hands in embarrassment, futilely hoping Hide hadn’t seen the mess in the room. It would have been impossible to miss it, though. “Sorry,” he mumbled. “I just…”

“It’s okay, Kaneki.” Kaneki felt a tug at his arm before Hide gently pulled it down, revealing his red face. His hands automatically flew to cover it. He heard a small sigh from the other. “You don’t have to hide from me, you know.”

 _Yes, I do_ , _because if you knew what I really was, you wouldn’t ever want to see me again, and I can’t bear that thought_.

“It’s okay to get angry sometimes,” Hide continued in a soft voice, gently running a hand through Kaneki’s tousled hair. He flinched at the touch but slowly began to relax into it. “It’s okay to feel bitter or even dejected. But you can’t let it consume you. I don’t want you to lose yourself in that. Would you please look at me?”

_It’s not looking at you that’s the problem. It’s when you look at me._

Hesitantly, Kaneki removed his hands, revealing Hide’s face. A kind and gentle smile was in place on his lips, one that would make him melt if he stared at it too long, so he diverted his attention elsewhere. He focused on Hide’s eyes, warm and caring and full of acceptance. _Acceptance of what?_ he wondered. That he was an emotional train wreck? That he desperately needed help?

Hide continued, “I want you to be able to trust me with anything. I know we haven’t known each other for long and all, but…it feels like we’re old friends, you know? I want to be there for you, no matter what the problem is. You can rely on me to help, okay?”

The next sentence surprised Kaneki so much he thought he might faint.

“Kaneki, I want to be with you.”

“You…want to be with me?” he croaked.

If it were even possible, Hide’s smile grew softer. “Yeah, I do.”

And that was when Kaneki’s mind went into maximum overdrive.

What the hell was this? Good things did _not_ happen to Kaneki Ken. He couldn’t remember his father. His mother had neglected him and died from overworking herself when he was ten. He was sent to live with his aunt, who despised him and verbally abused him every chance she got. He went on a date to the bookstore with a girl and had his insides gently scrambled. He was turned into a half-ghoul by a deranged doctor. He was kidnapped by an organization of ghouls and tortured by Jason. He had lost his friends, his family, his mind, his sanity, everything—and now here Hide was, telling him he wanted to give it all back to him.

This was his chance. This was his chance to regain some of his happiness, to escape into bliss with Hide. He was throwing him a lifeline, and Kaneki was desperately reaching for it because he was so close to drowning and just one more ounce of sorrow in his body and he was done, so he had to take this, couldn’t screw this up, couldn’t—

“Hide…I can’t.”

Hide’s expression morphed from gentle and loving to surprised and slightly hurt. “Oh,” he said. “That’s…that’s okay, then.” He cleared his throat awkwardly as his eyes shifted elsewhere. Kaneki could see him chewing on his bottom lip nervously.

“I-It’s not that I don’t want to, I just…can’t,” was Kaneki’s pathetic attempt at an explanation. “I don’t know how to explain why.”

Hide looked at him once more, and Kaneki almost choked up at seeing the pain in his usual lively, jovial eyes. Pain caused by him. “That’s alright, you don’t have to try to explain it. Is…is everything alright? Were you feeling sick this morning?”

Kaneki gave a small nod, focusing his attention on anything but Hide.

“Ah, okay, I’ll tell Touka that.”

“I guess I’ll, uh…go now. You look like you could use some more rest,” he said, standing. Kaneki squeezed his eyes shut and nodded again, feeling tears prick at the corners of them as Hide headed for the door. Just as he was about to go out, he turned around and spoke again. “You can still come and talk to me, you know,” he stated. “No matter what, I’ll always be here for you.”

The sound of the front door softly closing signaled Hide’s departure, and Kaneki made a choked, strangled noise. He covered his eyes with his arm as the tears flowed, quietly sobbing. The feeling of emptiness in his chest had never been as strong as it was then. Clutching the edge of the couch tightly, he willed his tears to stop, willed his body to stop shaking and his lips to stop quivering, but it was no use.

He was such a fucking mess.

 

* * *

 

Kaneki stood outside Touka’s apartment door, eyes trained on the ground as he knocked dejectedly. “Coming!” was the reply from inside. A moment later, it opened.

“Kaneki?” Touka said. “You look like shit. Hurry up, come in.”

“What happened to you? I know you were sick and all a couple days ago—and frankly, you really should have called—but seriously, you look like death,” she stated once he was seated on the couch. Yoriko was in one of the chairs near it, giving him a concerned look.

Kaneki clenched his fists. “I fucked up, Touka. I fucked up. I fucked it all up. That’s all I know how to do anymore, isn’t it?”

“Hey.” She moved to sit by him, placing a reassuring hand on his shoulder. “Whatever you did, it can probably be fixed. Can you tell us what happened?”

Kaneki delved into a long and painful explanation of everything that had happened with Hide; how he’d gotten to know him, how Hide insisted they fix up his house, how said house made him angry, what came after that, and then when it all blew up in his face. By the time he was finished, Yoriko was beside him too, rubbing his back soothingly.

“Rough day,” Touka commented when he was finished. “When was this again?”

“Two days ago.”

“And have you guys talked since?”

“…Hide’s been texting me, but I haven’t texted back.”

“ _Kaneki_ ,” she groaned. “Let me see the texts.”

 Reluctantly handing his phone over, Kaneki watched as she scrolled through the messages. The first one was around eight at night, a few hours after Kaneki had screwed everything up.

_hey! want to get a coffee tomorrow morning? i heard it’s supposed to be cold and there’s this new shop i wanted to try, how bout it?_

Then, the next day:

_that’s okay, you’re probably tired of coffee anyways since you make it every day and your coffee is literally the best. if you wanted quality coffee you would just make it yourself instead of paying for an overpriced cup, i totally get it man. are you doing okay?_

Later that same day, spaced over a span of a few hours:

 _just set up what i got for your apartment. works like a charm! hope to give it to you soon!_ ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

_Kaneki, are you okay? Could you answer me please? I just want to know you’re alright_

_Kaneki?_

_I’m still here for you, and I’d really like if we could stay friends._

“Kaneki,” Touka stated, “you have to fix this. He’s obviously trying his hardest to make things work out, but it’s like he’s talking to a brick wall.”  

Yoriko nodded in agreement to her statements. “You should really talk things out with him. If he’s as good of a person as you’ve made him out to be, then he should be okay with any reason you give him for not wanting to date.”

“You do like him though, right?” Touka asked.

Kaneki nodded.

“Then why’d you do it? Why’d you say no?”

And here came the complicated process of trying to pull all of his thoughts into order, into a way they would make sense to someone else. In his head, everything was coherent, but when he tried to speak his reasoning out loud, it came out as jumbled phrases that were ultimately vague and unclear. That was one of the reasons he never spoke his mind; he just couldn’t piece everything together properly.

But he was going to try his best to make Touka and Yoriko understand.

He took a deep breath and began. “I don’t…I don’t want to have to rely on him. I mean, I don’t want him to have to carry my weight around, to take care of my burdens. And I’m scared of what he’ll think when he sees the real me. He used to work in the CCG, too, so he probably has a bias towards ghouls. If he ever found out what I am or what I’ve done…I know he would leave, and I can’t bear to see him go. I just can’t be alone anymore.”

His voice was barely audible at the end, and he hoped they heard him because you can bet he wasn’t going to repeat it. Thankfully, they seemed to have. Yoriko nodded in understanding, the hand on his back still rubbing circles comfortingly. Touka sighed and scratched the back of her neck, visibly unsure of what to do or say. Fortunately, Yoriko came to her rescue.

“You should tell him that, Kaneki,” she told him, looking him in the eyes. He hoped she couldn’t tell how sleep deprived he was. He had tossed and turned for two nights straight, unable to fall into the nocturnal haven known as slumber. He was lucky he’d gotten a few hours on the couch that day. But now, it was impossible not to picture Hide hovering over him, that concerned expression he got whenever he asked Kaneki if he were okay plastered on his beautiful face. But he wasn’t really there, and that fact was tearing him up from the inside.

“But telling him would mean…” Kaneki trailed off.

“Yes, it would mean telling him you’re a ghoul, but I have hope it’ll go well. Just look at Touka and me. When she told me, I was really shocked, but I grew to accept it, and I’m sure he will too.” Yoriko smiled her kind, encouraging smile. “I think it’ll all work out in the end. You should have hope, too.”

He smiled wearily. “Thank you, Yoriko. It means a lot.”

Her smile brightened, and he wondered if Touka considered her to be the sunshine in her life. Seeing the fond look on Touka’s face as she watched Yoriko, he decided yes, she was.

If Touka could tell her sunshine, he could tell his.

 

* * *

 

Kaneki left soon after, stating he was going to do his best to resolve everything that had happened. Touka couldn’t help but feel a sliver of anxiousness. Would it really go as well as they convinced him it would?

She sighed and ran a hand through her hair. Even with Kaneki’s explanation, she couldn’t possibly understand why he would say no to Hide. In the past few weeks, he’d been happier than he had in the few years she’d known him combined. It was amazing, really, the impact one person could have on someone’s life.

“Do you really think he’s going to be okay? I was really more convincing myself that everything would work out, to be honest,” Yoriko admitted, looking at Touka with a worried expression.

Touka shrugged. “Dunno. It’s up to him whether or not he fixes it. We shouldn’t worry about it more than we have to. If he comes back with bad news, he can stay here for a few days and walk it off.”

“I don’t know if he’s going to be able to just walk it off if things go wrong…”

She sighed, frowning. “Yeah, I don’t know either. I have a feeling if this turns out badly, it’ll take a lot of time for him to recover. I just don’t want to think about an even more sullen Kaneki. He’s got sullenness already—he doesn’t need any more of it.”

“You should call him to check up on him later.”

“You should do it, you’re better at comforting than me.”

Yoriko threw a chip at her. “But you’re his close friend! It should be you, not me!”

Touka caught the chip with ease and tossed it back at her. “Alright, alright, I’ll call him later. You have to help me, though.”

Yoriko smiled. “Okay, Touka.”

 

* * *

 

Hide stared blankly at the television in front of him, only half registering the words as they poured out of the speakers and found their way to his ears. Blinking, he brought himself out of his daze and tuned in. More news on the recently passed laws. Apparently, there was also a small ghoul-rights movement forming in the fifteenth ward. He wondered what they were asking for.

Checking his phone for any sign of life from Kaneki, he sighed upon coming up empty-handed before tossing it away. Just two words would be enough to satisfy him. All he wanted to hear was “ _I’m okay_.” That was it. Yet his inbox was the devoid of messages from the one he really wanted to hear from. By this point, he was genuinely concerned. Unfortunately, though, he couldn’t do anything about it. He was fairly sure Kaneki wouldn’t want him breaking into his apartment again—at least not under the current circumstances.

So all he could do was wait.

And somehow, waiting was the most painful thing he had ever done.

A little while later, as he was channel surfing, his phone screen lit up. Hide immediately abandoned the remote in favor of the device, his eyes lighting up just as the screen had done upon seeing who the message was from.

Finally, Kaneki had answered.

_I’m sorry for not responding. Can we talk at my apartment later today?_

Hide’s fingers flew faster than they ever had before as he typed out a response.

 _of course!_ _what time?_

The reply was almost instantaneous.

_Does six work?_

_yep! see you soon!!_ ( ﾟ▽ﾟ)/

Hide’s grin threatened to split his face. This didn’t exactly mean things were back to normal between them just because Kaneki was talking to him, but it gave him hope that there was light at the end of the tunnel. Just because things were a little weird now didn’t mean they always would be, and he hoped their talk later would resolve any issues.

It was hard to deny he was curious behind Kaneki’s reasoning of turning him down. He had been pretty confident he liked him—Hide sure knew he liked Kaneki—so it had almost been like a slap in the face when he said no. But that was okay. Slaps only stung for a little while, and he could deal with that sting until everything was fixed.

He really hoped things could go back to normal between them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this idea came from the wonderful letters_creat_worlds! later in the story, ghouls are going to have to wear something that identifies them as ghouls, and I wanted to know what you guys think symbolizes a ghoul best (but can still easily be worn). I kind of want it to be like the star of David the Jews were forced to wear during ww2, which was meant to humiliate and mock them, so the more degrading it is the better (I mean no offense by this, just in case). I want to draw some parallels to how Jewish people were treated in their society and how ghouls are treated in theirs. thanks in advance you guys! B)
> 
> ((also school is taking up a lot of my time atm, so the upcoming chapters may not be as cleanly edited as the others, sorry))
> 
> thanks for reading!


	7. sunlight in the windows, sunlight in his heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally these two boys get some happiness

Kaneki paced anxiously back and forth, continuously cracking his fingers. It had become more of a nervous habit by now rather than a signal that a major shitstorm was about to blow in and that everybody should hide in their shelters until it passed. He wanted to stop doing it, but it felt as if it had become a part of him.

His pacing was halted when the doorbell rang. Taking a deep breath, he crossed the room to answer it. As expected, Hide’s smiling face was on the other side of the door.

“Yo, Kaneki!” he exclaimed. Kaneki looked questioningly at the oddly shaped…thing in his hands. It appeared to be a poorly wrapped not-so-cylindrical cylinder. Actually, it was more like a two-sided cone that jutted out in the middle and synched near the bottom. He had no idea what to make of it.

“Err, what’s that?” he asked, his previous nervousness giving way to confusion and curiosity.

“This, my friend, is your present!”

Hide presented whatever it was he’d gotten him with pride, holding it out in front of him and eagerly waiting for Kaneki to accept it. After a few seconds, he did. “Go ahead, open it,” Hide ushered him.

Kaneki carefully undid the wrapping, trying his best not to rip it. This was strange. How was Hide acting like nothing had happened?

Once all of the wrapping paper was off, he set the thing down on the table, which was still lacking a replacement chair. It was…interesting, to say the least. Nothing like he had ever seen before. He looked to Hide for an answer.

“It’s a lava lamp!” he stated with a happy expression. “All you have to do is plug it in, and…”

Taking the cord, he plugged it into a nearby outlet. The lava lamp began to glow a soft mixture of blue and purple, and the strange blue substance at the bottom of it shifted before bulbous blobs gradually started to ascend to the top. They bounced off the edges, moving almost in slow motion. As they disconnected and reconnected to each other, Kaneki found himself mesmerized.

“This is…really cool,” he said. “Where did you find this?”

“At some store that sells stuff from the western countries. It was a pretty good find, if you ask me. I think it’s a great first step to making this place less dreary. Do you like it?”

Kaneki smiled. “Yeah, I do.” The smile slowly dropped as he remembered what he had invited Hide over for in the first place. Unplugging the lava lamp—he knew it would distract him while they spoke—he bit the insides of his cheek nervously. “Can we talk now?”

Hide nodded, his expression turning more serious as he allowed Kaneki to lead him to the sitting area. Hide took the couch, while Kaneki took a nearby chair. He waited patiently for Kaneki to gather his thoughts and arrange them into a cohesive order. And then finally, Kaneki was ready to begin.

“Hide, I’m not the best of people to…be with,” he stated, eyes looking anywhere but his friend before him. “I have problems, problems I don’t know how to handle on my own, and I don’t want to burden you with them. I’ve been distancing myself from people my whole life, but when you came into it, I couldn’t help but get close. You—you made me feel comfortable. Like I was at home,” he whispered.

Hide watched him with intense eyes as he spoke, giving him a small nod to continue.

Kaneki inhaled a shaky breath. “I’m scared of what you’ll think of me when you realize who I am, Hide. _What_ I am. I’m a monster, and someone like you deserves so much better than m—“

“Stop right there.”

Kaneki looked up and met those acute brown eyes with his own skittish, anxious gray ones. “You are _not_ a monster, Kaneki,” Hide stated. “It doesn’t matter that you’re a ghoul. You were a ghoul when I first met you, and you were a ghoul when I fell for you. That doesn’t change anything for me. I want to make you happy. I want to help you shoulder your burdens. I want to pick you up when you’re sad. I want to make the pain go away because I see it in your eyes and I hate it. I hate it, Kaneki, and I’ve never hated anything in my life. I couldn’t even bring myself to hate the dog that landed me in the hospital and gave me six stitches on my leg when I was a kid. But I can’t stand seeing you hurting.”

Kaneki’s breath hitched. “You mean you…you already knew?”

This threw his whole plan out the window. He’d rehearsed this conversation many times before it actually happened, but this was definitely not the way he expected it to turn.

Hide smiled. “Yeah, I already knew. And I also know that you’re struggling. I know that gentle smile of yours hides how you really feel inside. You’re afraid of who you really are, right? You’ve convinced yourself that you’re a monster who deserves nothing.”

Flinching at the words, Kaneki’s head dropped, and he stared at the floor. Suddenly, Hide was kneeling before him. He felt a hand come to rest lightly on his cheek. “I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone so wrong before, Kaneki,” he said. “You deserve the whole damn world, and I wish I could give that to you, but all I have to offer is myself.”

“How could you even want me if you’ve figured all of this out?” Kaneki mumbled.

Hide’s smile turned soft. “Because I didn’t just fall for your façade. I fell for all of you.”

Kaneki looked up, but before he could do or say anything, Hide was leaning in. Their lips brushed against each other’s slowly, carefully. Hide’s were slightly chapped but still felt nice against his own. They were warm, too. Every feeling he’d ever felt for Hide bubbled to the surface, and he wondered how in the hell he managed to deny him.

They both stood to better the angle as the kiss deepened, molding against each other. Hide cupped Kaneki’s face with both hands, while Kaneki’s arms wrapped around the other’s waist and pulled him closer. His heart was racing, he couldn’t believe this was actually happening. This close, Hide’s smell was almost overpowering, and Kaneki couldn’t get enough of it. It was hard to say exactly what it smelled like, but it was almost as good as the kiss itself.

They slowly moved closer and closer to the wall until Hide was pinned by Kaneki, who kept him steadfast with one arm behind his back and the other around his neck. Hide’s arms were now exploring his back, clutching at his shirt. They were kissing feverishly by now, drowning in each other. But this kind of drowning wasn’t bad, Kaneki noted as Hide sucked on his bottom lip. Hide moved his hands to intertwine them in Kaneki’s hair and ran his tongue along his lip. Kaneki eagerly obliged, and Hide’s tongue began exploring his mouth.

God, this felt good. It felt so, so good, and so right, too. This was meant to be happening. He was meant to give himself up to Hide and in return receive love and comfort and reassurance that everything was going to be okay, that he wasn’t a bad person or a monster. Kaneki could slowly feel the walls that trapped him in inky darkness crumbling, sunlight streaming in through the cracks. It was warm and golden and pure and everything that he wasn’t, everything that he needed. And that sunlight was here before him in the form of one person.

Hideyoshi Nagachika.

Their lips pressed together in desperation, as if they would never get to do this again. Over and over they kissed, clutching each other tightly so neither one could escape. Finally, they began to slow, the kisses becoming longer and deeper. Hide’s lips lingered on his own for a short time before they pulled apart, and he then began to trail light kisses down Kaneki’s jaw to his neck and to his collarbone. It was so gentle that if Kaneki hadn’t known better, he would have believed it was the kiss of a breeze and not a person.

Hide came back up and pressed a final soft, chaste kiss to his mouth before bringing their foreheads together. “I’ll always be here, Kaneki. I’ll never leave,” he said, the gentleness in his voice almost tangible. “I won’t let you suffer alone anymore.”

“You mean…you’re really okay with all of this?”

Hide chuckled. “If I weren’t, I would have left a while back, don’t you think? And I wouldn’t have gotten you that amazing lava lamp.”

“You’re right. The lava lamp is pretty amazing.”

“Dude, I know, right?”

“Maybe I should just date it instead of you. Its coolness levels are probably tenfold yours.”

He gasped. “How could you, Kaneki?! Lies and slander!”

They broke into a fit of laughter. Kaneki looped his arms around Hide’s neck to steady himself, smiling as he watched how the light danced back and forth in his vibrant eyes. Hide’s eyes met his own, and they softened and filled with something Kaneki could only describe as pure love and bliss. It made his heart pound in his chest. That love was for _him._ He’d never had something like this to himself before.

He brought their lips together again. Kaneki found it amazing how perfectly they seemed to fit together, how they moved against each other in the same rhythm. He inhaled Hide’s scent and sighed contentedly into the kiss, feeling the ends of Hide’s mouth quirk up in a smile. It was slow and lazy and lingering and perfect in every way, shape, and form. This was perfect. Hide was perfect.

If this were the universe’s way of apologizing for all the shit it had done to him, Kaneki gladly accepted it. All the hardships seemed worth it just for this moment, this little slice of infinity they had created together because it felt never-ending, and he never wanted it to end, either.

Ultimately, it did, because people needed a certain thing called air to survive. But that was okay. Standing with his head buried in the crook of Hide’s neck, sighing fondly against it, was nice. Hide’s arms surrounding him and holding him close was nice, too.

Everything would be okay.

“Thank you,” Kaneki whispered.

Hide smiled and held him tighter. “Thank you, too, Kaneki.”

 

* * *

 

Touka sat with her legs crisscrossed on her bed, watching Yoriko, who was lying supine with a book held over her head reading, with fondness. Lightly, she poked her in the arm with her toe. “Are you finished yet?”

“Mm…” Yoriko flipped a few pages over and then flipped back. “Nope. Four more to go.”

Touka groaned in dissatisfaction. “You and Kaneki need to lay off the books. Him more than you, though. It’s like they’re drugs to him or something.”

Yoriko chuckled. “I think he just finds comfort in them. Speaking of Kaneki, do you think it’s been enough time to call?”

Touka sighed and glanced at her phone on the nightstand beside her. “I really won’t know how to handle him if he’s been rejected,” she mumbled.

Yoriko smiled. “Just handle it how you always do. There’s been times when he’s been depressed before, right? How did you help pull him out of it?”

“I…I didn’t.” Touka cast her eyes downwards. “I didn’t know how to help him. Everything that happened to him—I had no idea how to help him cope. _I_ couldn’t even cope with it. When he needed a home most, I told him to never return to it. I yelled at him and beat him up. I was probably one of the biggest assholes in the world to him until I finally tried to understand, and yet he never got mad at me. He kept coming back for help, kept looking to me for answers as if I actually knew them. But my answers were always shit.”

“I don’t think that’s true, Touka.”

Touka, confused, met Yoriko’s eyes, which were stern but loving at the same time. “You were the one who pushed him to pursue Hide, right? If it all works out, you’ll have kept him from giving up on one of the most important people in his life,” she explained. “And I think that’ll be worth a lot to him. Don’t you think?”

She sighed. “Yeah…I guess so.”

Yoriko got up, went over to the nightstand, and placed the phone gently in Touka’s hand. “You should call,” she said softly, her expression warm and kind.

“…Alright. I’ll do it.”

Touka unlocked her phone and pulled up Kaneki’s contact information, pressing the call button. She didn’t know why she was so reluctant to do this—he wouldn’t be answering if it didn’t go well. He would isolate himself yet again, and it would take insistent pressing for him to actually hold a conversation and discuss what went wrong. One series of rings, two, three, four. Just as it was about to cut to voicemail, the other line picked up.

“ _Hey, Touka_ ,” Kaneki’s voice said on the other end.

Touka breathed a sigh of relief. He sounded normal; that was a good sign. “How’d it go?”

“ _It went…really well, actually. You and Yoriko were right, and I’m glad I listened to you. We’re—wait, Hide!_ ”

She furrowed her brows as there was the sound of struggle and static and then another voice, this one peppy and excited.

“ _Hi, Touka! I just wanted to ask, does Kaneki have any weird fetishes? Specifically concerning lava lamps? He said that maybe he should date the lava lamp I gave him instead of me, and I was like whoa, hold up there. So, do you know?_ ”

Kaneki’s muffled “ _Hide!_ ” in the background made Touka snicker, and she grinned. “Yeah, he definitely has more than a few fetishes. But you’ll have to find those out on your own, and I’m sure you will.”

“ _Ohhh, okay. Hold up, Kaneki! I’m not d—_ “

More static. Then, Kaneki: “ _Gotta go, Touka. I’ll talk to you later!_ ”

Touka chuckled. “Okay, talk to you later.” Then she hung up.

“Does that mean it meant well?” Yoriko asked with a happy expression.

“Considering Hide asked if Kaneki had any fetishes specifically concerning lava lamps, I’d say it went pretty well,” she answered. “I wonder how intense their make out session was.”

“Touka! You shouldn’t wonder about stuff like that…”

“When I told you, on a scale of one to ten, ours was like, what, an eight? No, maybe a nine. Yeah, definitely a nine.”

“ _Tooouukaaa,_ ” Yoriko groaned, covering her face with her hands in embarrassment.

Touka grinned, but it slowly turned into a soft smile as her eyes stayed on the other. She had gotten really lucky. She had hope that Hide would be to Kaneki as Yoriko was to her.

If anyone in the world deserved happiness, it was Kaneki Ken.

 

* * *

 

Kaneki’s eyelids were heavy. He and Hide were currently on his couch watching a movie—well, Hide was watching it. Kaneki was more staring at the screen and trying to process what was happening. He was mentally exhausted. Sure, it had been a great day, but overwhelming emotions were sure to tire him out. Especially if there were lots of them back to back, like earlier.

“Do you want to go to sleep, Kaneki?” Hide asked softly as his eyes closed and snapped back open for the umpteenth time.

“No, I…I want to stay here with you,” he said. He still couldn’t believe this was real. He almost felt as though this were all a dream, and if he left Hide’s side, he would wake up and realize the day’s events had all been in his head. Even though he knew it was illogical, he couldn’t help but worry a little. It just seemed too good.

“One sec.”

Hide shifted until he was at the right angle for Kaneki to lay his head on his chest. Smiling, Kaneki did just that before closing his eyes, feeling arms encircle him and Hide resting his own head on his.

It wasn’t hard for him to tune out the movie. All Kaneki heard was Hide’s heartbeat and his soft breaths, and all he felt was warmth and the steady rise and fall of his boyfriend’s chest. Boyfriend. The word felt foreign on his tongue as he silently pronounced it, but he liked it. It was new, comforting. He hoped he would be saying that word a lot in the future.

As his breathing evened and his mind drifted away, Kaneki finally found the right word to describe what Hide smelled like.

Home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> to those wondering, I’ve decided to go with the kakugan eye symbol that they’ll have to pin on their clothing. everyone’s ideas were fantastic, and I loved reading each and every one of you guys’ takes on it! for those of you who suggested spider lilies, I’ll definitely put that on their ID card, as well as an identification number instead of their name so it kinda dehumanizes them even more. the symbol will be a black circle with a smaller red circle within it bc I’m a slut for simplicity. thanks so much again to everyone who made suggestions, you guys are awesome!!
> 
> thanks for reading!


	8. i found a home in you, baby you know it's true

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can bet ur britches I used thesaurus waaay too much on this one   
> ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

The weeks passed in a whirlwind. Every morning when he wasn’t working in the afternoon, Kaneki looked forward to seeing Hide after his classes, whether it be at his work (if he were on shift) or somewhere else. While their schedules were slightly incompatible, it was nothing they couldn’t work around. They met up on the weekends as well. Hide, who usually had studying to do, would pack up his schoolwork and head over to Kaneki’s, where he would do his work as Kaneki read or watched TV quietly in the background.

Seeing Hide was like a breath of fresh air on a beautiful summer day. The sky was clear and blue and the sun fell in all the right places, casting shadows that were a welcome source of coolness. The colors of nature on a day like that were breathtaking; vibrant green leaves on trees, water as blue as the sky, flowers every hue of the rainbow. The heat wasn’t excessive or sweltering, but warm and enveloping. It caressed his body gently, and a soft, pleasant breeze rustled his hair. It was enchanting, almost like a dream—one from which he never wanted to wake.

They didn’t even have to be talking for Kaneki to feel warm and relaxed. It was enough simply gazing upon Hide fondly as he concentrated hard on studying or as he took orders from behind the counter at his job. That bright, radiant smile never wavered, even in the face of the rudest customer. He didn’t know how he did it. It must have been exhausting, really, to be that happy all the time.

There were times when Hide was serious, though, like when he looked Kaneki in the eyes and told him how much he meant to him, or when he held him when he was feeling down. Hide was there for him, no matter what.

Just like he said he would be.

In the past, Kaneki learned that promises were meant to be broken. Mistrust was woven into the very fibers of his being. “I’m sorry, but this is the last one,” his mother said to his aunt as she gave her a check for money. The next week, she gave her another, and another, and another. “You’re always welcome here, Kaneki,” his aunt told him when he first moved in. But that welcoming attitude vanished within a couple months of his staying, and he was mistreated and abused henceforth. They couldn’t stand him because of his studious habits and good grades in school, and also because of how much he was like his mom. It was a pathetic reason to mistreat someone, but that’s what they went off of.

He realized words were just that—words. They were the phonetic pronunciation of kanji translated into sound waves, which vibrated his eardrum and were then received by his brain. That was all they were. They were empty. The words “I promise” held no real meaning. They didn’t carry the promise within them; they were merely hollow vessels used for lying and deceit.

But Hide’s words weren’t vessels. He could feel the truth in them, tangible and real. He could feel the weight of his words and the burden they carried as he repeated them over and over in his head. Supporting him emotionally wasn’t the easiest of tasks; it was one of the many reasons why Kaneki had been reluctant to involve himself with Hide. It was arduous at times, especially when he occasionally fell back into his habit of self-loathing. Hide’s care and affection ran deep, though, so he was willing to put forth the effort to be with him.  

And Kaneki was discovering that was all he’d ever wanted.

“Hey, Kaneki?”

Kaneki looked up from his book for the first time in what seemed to be hours. Hide, as usual, was camped on his couch, studying materials strewn about haphazardly. “Yeah?”

“Ghouls have a really good sense of smell, right? I’ve been meaning to ask—what do I smell like?”

The question caught him off guard. “It’s, uh…kind of hard to explain,” he answered.

“You’ve smelled me though, right?”

“W-Well, yeah…” Kaneki could feel heat creeping into his face, and he hoped his blush wasn’t showing.

Unfortunately, it was. Amused, Hide laughed, a smile forming on his lips. “There’s no need to be shy about it, Kaneki. I know you like to sniff me when we’re close. So, what’s my smell like? Is it really good or something?”

“Yeah, it’s…really nice. It’s hard to describe exactly. It’s just comforting and natural and—and it smells like home,” Kaneki said quietly at the end. “And your shampoo also smells good.”

Hide’s smile turned into a happy grin. “I know, right? It’s more expensive than the others but dude, it’s so worth it. I’ve always wondered what I smelled like, though. I now know that I smell like a house. Thank you for that deep insight, Kaneki.”

Kaneki chuckled, feeling his embarrassment begin to thaw away. “The word ‘home’ doesn’t really describe your smell, I guess. It’s just what I associate it with, so it came to mind.”

At that, Hide looked genuinely surprised. His eyes filled with curiosity and his mouth hung slightly open, as if he were looking for the words that just couldn’t seem to come. Then, he smiled fondly, giving Kaneki that look that was for him and him only. “Home, huh?” he said, closing the textbook in his hands and setting it aside before rising. He moved to stand in front of Kaneki, plucking his book from his hands.

“H-Hey!” Kaneki protested. Suddenly, soft lips met his. He stiffened before his eyelids fluttered closed and he melted into the kiss, cupping Hide’s face gently. And then Hide was pulling him out of his chair and onto the floor, and he made a surprised noise as they fell. They laid sprawled out on the floor together. “Hide!”

Hide laughed mirthfully. An arm snaked around Kaneki’s back and pulled them closer, another entangling itself in his hair as lips found his once more. It was an awkward angle—not to mention uncomfortable—but he didn’t mind. No, he didn’t mind at all as Hide traced lazy circles around his back with his finger or tousled his hair. Leaning into the touches, he deepened the kiss, his hands finding Hide’s waist and gripping it. Like this, he could almost lose himself. He wondered if that wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

After they broke apart, Kaneki settled his head in the crook of Hide’s neck, Hide burying his face in Kaneki’s hair. They remained like that for some time before he slowly felt himself begin to doze off, despite being on the floor. “Are you tired?” Hide murmured against him. He nodded. Even though it wasn’t even late into the night yet, he could feel a weight pulling down on his eyelids, willing him to close them.

Hide carefully began to disentangle himself from Kaneki before shifting into a squatting position. Kaneki felt a pair of arms lift him by his back and his knees, bringing him up higher until he was being carried by Hide towards his room in a bridal-style fashion.

“I can walk on my own, you know, Hide,” he said, unable to keep a small smile from playing on his lips.  

Hide hummed happily. “Maybe I like to pretend that you’re my princess and I’m your prince. Just think of it as I’m whisking you off into the night like some Shakespeare play.” Then he grinned. “Dude, we should totally roleplay that.”

“Nope. Never happening.”

“Aw, but I could be your Romeo and you could be my…”

“Don’t say it.”

 _“…ghouliet._ ”

“Oh my, god, Hide, put me down.”

Hide was laughing as he set Kaneki gently on his bed. As he did, Kaneki couldn’t help but reminisce of the few times his mother did this for him. When he was around age five or six, he often asked his mother to tuck him in for the night, to which she always replied she would be in his room in a few minutes. Those minutes seemed to last hours to him back then—but that was because they were. And, no matter how late it got, he always forced himself to stay awake, afraid she would be sad when she came and he had already gone to sleep. She never did come, though, so he gave up trying. But on rare occasions, she would turn from her desk, give him a warm smile, and pick him up and hold him close while carrying him to his room. On those nights, he might even get to hear a story told by her.

On those nights, he didn’t feel so alone.

Kaneki quickly pushed the once happy memories out of his mind. Now, all they did was bubble up sadness and resentment within him, and Hide needn’t be associated with any of that. Instead, he allowed himself to be pampered by his self-proclaimed prince, who was busying himself getting his princess snug into bed.

Hide finished tucking him into the covers and took a step back to admire his handiwork. “Okay, this is just too good,” he stated.

“What is?”

 “You look just like a burrito!”

“…A what?”

His eyes went wide. “You’ve never heard of a burrito?”

“Am I supposed to know what that is?”

“Dude, yes! Okay, let me grab my phone and I’ll show you.”

Hide scampered out of the room, leaving Kaneki confused but unwilling to move because the tucked-in sheets and covers felt pretty nice.  Hide soon returned, a concentrated look on his face as he tried to find the best picture of whatever a burrito was possible. Once he did, he showed it to Kaneki. “ _This_ is a burrito.” Kaneki tried reaching for the phone to get a better look, but the covers were too tight. Suddenly, Hide was pulling the device back, and then there was the sound of a camera flash. “And this”—he held the phone back up—“is you!”

“ _Please_ delete that,” Kaneki groaned. The picture was of a very disoriented, very disheveled him, and he did indeed strongly resemble the strange food Hide had shown him. If he weren’t fastened securely by the blankets—he could break out if he really wanted to, mind you—he would have the phone in his hands and the picture erased from existence.

“I’m making this my new lock screen,” Hide said, grinning. “And when someone asks, I’ll tell them it’s my very hot ghoul boyfriend in his most powerful form—Burrito-neki!”

“No, you are definitely _not_ going to do that, Hide.”

“Aaaand done. This is my new aesthetic.”

“Hide, _no_.”

Hide’s grin broadened. “Hide, _yes_.” With that, he skipped out of the room, leaving a defeated Kaneki behind. A few moments later, he came back in and climbed into the part of the bed that wasn’t occupied by Kaneki. Kaneki began attempting to undo the blanket cocoon. Hide chuckled and helped, and soon enough, he was out. Worming his way into the now available covers, Hide snuggled up to Kaneki.

“I’m deleting that picture as soon as I get your phone,” Kaneki grumbled.

Hide smiled his endearing smile. “Okay, Kaneki.”

“I mean it.”

“Okay, Kaneki.” His brown eyes shone with amusement.

Kaneki sighed and scooted closer to the other, pulling him in for an embrace. “You’re a moron,” he muttered under his breath, but his smile gave him away, and Hide laughed quietly.

“I know, Kaneki.”

 

* * *

 

To Hide, Kaneki was a snowy winter night. Being with him was inhaling the crisp, cold air that filled his lungs and refreshed him from the inside out. Snow blanketed the ground, the delicate moonlight illuminating small patches of it in a way that made it seem as if the soft slivers of silver light would shy away if you strayed too close, just like Kaneki did. A light flurry descended from the cloudy night sky above, and the frigid wind nipped at his cheeks and nose, flushing them red. But the cold was more numbing than biting, really, and he relished the sensation of losing himself in the wintry haven.

Everything about him was wonderful. His sturdy yet somehow still delicate features, his gentle and caring persona—even his little tendencies, such as the way he sat when he was enveloped in an intense part of whatever book he was reading that day. He was perfectly imperfect, and Hide wouldn’t have him any other way.

It took time, but gradually, Kaneki began to open up to him. He could still tell Kaneki was hesitant to speak of his feelings sometimes and that his mental state was a little worse than he occasionally let on, but he was doing his best to help. Some encouraging words here, a hug there; Hide was finding that the thing Kaneki lacked and craved the most was the thing he had plenty to give.

It was strange to see someone so emotional so…emotionally deprived. He wondered what kind of family he grew up in and whether or not they treated him fairly. He had his speculations, but he never voiced them. When Kaneki wanted to talk about it, he would. He wouldn’t pressure him to speak of something he wasn’t comfortable discussing yet. That was the last thing he wanted to do.

Hide was almost always concerned with how Kaneki was feeling, and he made sure to act accordingly to each mood. After observing him for quite some time, he began to recognize and distinguish the patterns of expression he used with each emotion. If he were deep in thought or feeling somber, he would become distant and untalkative, often staring into space for prolonged times. If he were nervous, he tended to clench and unclench either fist or bite his bottom lip. Sometimes, when simple nervousness gave way to pure anxiety, he would crack his knuckles in a way that was rather odd. And he also had a habit of touching his chin when he lied—something that only made it easier for Hide to realize the truth of what he was feeling at that moment.

Kaneki didn’t want to encumber him with his emotions too much. While he was making an active effort to let Hide into his thoughts, it was a process. Hide hadn’t expected him to magically change just like that, though. But the thing was, he didn’t want him to change. He just wanted him to be happier, and he knew that happiness would only come if he learned to accept and embrace himself for who he was—not _what_ he was. He had hope that time and a few gentle nudges in the right direction would be beneficial.

Currently, he was on his way to :re for a cup of evening coffee. He had just gotten off his shift at work, and while he knew it would have been more practical to just grab a coffee from there, he found that :re’s coffee suited his tastes more. It was sweeter, richer, and he could tell it was made with more time, effort, and concentration.

That wasn’t the only reason he was going, though. He needed to talk to a certain someone.

The bell tinkled as he opened the door, and he entered the pleasant café with a cheerful smile on his face. “Welcome to Re,” an employee behind the counter called to him. Just the person he wanted to see—Touka.

“Yo, Touka!” he said enthusiastically as he capered over to the counter.

She looked slightly surprised to see him. “Oh, it’s you. Kaneki’s not on shift today, you know. I thought you guys knew each other’s schedules?”

“We do,” Hide affirmed. “Actually, I came to talk to you. And while I’m at it, I think I’ll have a cup of your wonderful coffee.”

Her expression morphed into confusion. “Talk to me? Well, I’m kind of working right now, so if you can wait about fifteen minutes, that’s when I’ll be done. What kind of coffee would you like?”

Hide placed his order and picked a table away from the other customers. Touka brought him his coffee a few moments later, which he thanked her for. He ran over the questions he was going to ask in his mind as he waited. Sure enough, when fifteen minutes had passed, Touka disappeared into the upper part of the shop and came back down in casual clothing. A man with silver hair descended with her and took over the counter. She then took a seat at his table.

“Okay, what did you want to talk about?” she asked.

Hide picked up on her nervousness by how tense her shoulders were. “Don’t worry, it’s nothing bad!” he assured.

She gave a sigh of relief, visibly relaxing. “Good, I thought you came here to tell me you were breaking up with Kaneki or something and needed advice on how to do it. If you did that, I might just have to eat you,” she teased, smirking.

“Hell no! I don’t see us splitting anytime soon.” _Or ever, hopefully_ , he added in his mind. “I just wanted to know if you’d answer some of my questions about him before he, you know, changed and all that.”

“W-Wait, how did you know…?”

He smiled easily. “I was his classmate in Asian History back in our freshman year of college. I didn’t know him back then, but I did some digging and found out that the Kaneki then and the Kaneki now are the same person. Maybe he just felt like dyeing his hair or something, but I have a feeling there’s more to it than that. I’m right, aren’t I?”

Touka frowned, her lips stretching into a thin line. Her dark eyes looked away. “I…I don’t know if I should tell you. I think it’s something you should hear from him,” she answered carefully. “How did you figure that out, anyways? Do you have a photographic memory for faces or something? Because he wasn’t really one to stand out in the crowd back then.”

“I saw a picture of him from back then online. He does look a lot different now, but the facial features are still the same. Except for his eyes,” he noted. “They’re a lot…sadder now, I guess.”

“…Yeah, you’re right. But you know, Hide, it’s pretty obvious he’s a lot happier now that you’re in his life. His smiles at the customers aren’t even fake anymore. I don’t know how you’re doing it, but you’re making him better.”

“Really?” Hide’s eyes lit up, and he grinned widely.

She smiled back. “Yeah, you are. Anymore questions?”

“Yep, a couple more. Has Kaneki been a ghoul all his life?”

It was evident Touka was pondering how to answer this question. “…No, he hasn’t,” she said. “He was turned into a ghoul by this crazy doctor who was experimenting with hybridization. I’m pretty sure he lived as a human for eighteen years. That’s close enough to the number, at least.”

Exactly as he suspected. “A human turned ghoul, huh? That would make him…”

“A half-ghoul,” she finished quietly.

“That’s pretty messed up,” he sighed. “Who would toy with someone’s life like that?”

Touka shrugged. “There’s some fucked up people in this world, you know. Now that you’re involved with ghouls, I’m sure you might see a couple.”

“And I just can’t wait to meet them.” He downed the rest of his coffee. “Okay, last question. What was he like before he changed? Back when he still had black hair and everything.”

“Hmm…” She rested her chin on her hand, thinking. “Quiet. Weak. Scrawny. Couldn’t fight for his life, that’s for sure. But I think the most prominent thing I can think of is his naïveté. He didn’t want to accept that he’d been turned into a ghoul. I mean, anyone would be pretty shocked, but he outright denied it. He brought himself to the brink of starvation plenty of times because he refused to eat human meat. He thought he could survive without living like a ghoul, without hurting others. He always chose to be the one getting hurt.

“And then, after he changed, he was both selfless and selfish. He thought he could protect all of those close to him, but he was really protecting himself because he couldn’t bear the thought of being alone. He shouldered everyone’s burden. He thought his strength would save us all. But then…” Her eyes widened at the realization of everything she’d just told him. “Sorry, just forget all of that,” she said hastily.

Hide nodded, absorbing the information like a sponge. Kaneki had thought he could protect them all—it wasn’t obvious he hadn’t. If he were such a weak ghoul, how could he have the strength to protect others? And what transformed him from being weak and scrawny to strong and muscular? He had seen those biceps and _boy_ were they fine.

“Thank you, Touka,” he said, standing. His signature bright smile made its way back onto his face. “The coffee was great, by the way! I’ll be sure to come by again to have more. Kaneki tried to teach me how to make quality coffee, but…it didn’t really work out.” He chuckled. “I used to know a guy who called everything horseshit, and if he had tasted it, he probably would have said it was the shittiest horseshit ever to be shat by a horse.”

“Huh. I know a guy just like that,” she replied. “Well, it was good to see you. Feel free to drop by my apartment with Kaneki anytime, I kind of miss him hogging my couch every day.”

Hide laughed. “I’ll be sure to tell him that.”

Waving goodbye to her as he exited the shop, he took in a deep breath of fresh air. His mind was racing a thousand miles per minute over everything he’d pieced together about Kaneki, but he decided to halt in his tracks and save the critical thinking for another time. He pushed the thoughts out of his mind, turning his focus to the upcoming movie he was seeing later on with Kaneki that night. After much begging and pleading, Hide had finally managed to convince him to see a horror film, and he couldn’t wait to have the biggest bucket of popcorn ever and maybe hold Kaneki in his moments of fright. The fact that he would have the popcorn all to himself was just another benefit of dating a ghoul.   

Eagerness and anticipation in his stomach, he pulled out his phone and sent a text to Kaneki.

 _just so you know it’s totally ok for you to jump in my arms if you get too scared during the movie_ ( ͡   ͜ʖ ͡°)

As he was walking down the sidewalk, a single word reply came.

_no_

_yes_

_Hide, no._

_hide, yes_

_There’s no way I’ll be the one getting scared._

_ofc you will you dork, so that’s why i’m letting you know ahead of time that i’m here for you man. it’s ok if you cry a lil bit too_

_Uh huh we’ll see who’s crying._

Hide locked his phone and shoved it back in his pocket, grinning.

Whatever contest he’d just started, he was going to win it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading!


	9. lose myself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kinda long chapter bc y not

Since the movie had been out for a while, the theater was uncrowded, much to Kaneki’s liking. He hated being wedged in between other couples and families. It made for difficulty if he had to get up for whatever reason, and besides that, it was just awkward. Well, in the past it had been. Back in high school, he’d gone to almost all of his movies alone. He didn’t have anyone to see them with. While he normally just waited for whatever it was he wanted to see to come out on DVD, there were some days when he just needed to get out of his aunt’s house and had nowhere to be, so he would end up in the theater to kill some time.

That was one reason he had a bias against theaters today; it drudged up the past. But he figured if he were with Hide instead of by himself, it would take the edge off of it.

“Let’s sit…up there!” Hide pointed to a row two higher than the one they were currently on. Kaneki followed him up the aisle and into the middle of said row, where they sat down. Hide was eating his popcorn with vigor—so much so that Kaneki warned him to slow down or he wouldn’t have any left for the movie.

“I know, that’s why I’m eating it all now. There’s a fifty-three percent chance this popcorn’s going flying, so I need to make sure I’ve gotten my money’s worth just in case,” he stated matter-of-factly.

Kaneki raised his eyebrows. “And here I thought I was the one supposed to be getting scared.”

Hide’s lips quirked up in a smirk. “Oh, don’t worry, Kaneki. You will.” He shoved another handful of popcorn in his mouth. “You will,” he repeated, doing his best to sound ominous.

Kaneki settled into his seat, smiling. “Okay, Hide. Whatever you say.”

After the commercials and previews, the movie began. Kaneki had expected this to be like any other horror movie—dumb characters, predictable plot, stupid decisions, not-so-surprising surprise twists, and overall not scary in the slightest. He’d never been a fan of horror in the first place, so when he watched his first scary movie, he decided it wasn’t worth spending money on again. The only thing that had him scared back then was the insane amount of blood when someone died. Of course, he didn’t have any problem with that now.

When the movie’s plot became more evident, he felt both fortunate and unfortunate. Fortunately, he was wrong about it being a typical horror movie, so he wouldn’t be bored for the one and a half hours it was playing. Unfortunately, he was wrong about it being a typical horror movie.

It was the scary as hell.

The monster looked like something fabricated from the depths of hell itself. While it was humanoid, the noises it made were anything but. Its face was distorted, its body a tangle of limbs. Honestly, it was pretty frightening, even for ghoul standards.

And don’t even get him started on the jump scares. They happened when he least expected it, when everything was calm and peaceful and then _bam!_ There that fucking thing was, right in a character’s face before devouring whoever it was gruesomely. By the middle of the movie, after surviving three major jump scares already (one of which someone else in the theater shrieked very loudly and then began to laugh madly to calm themselves down), he was ready for it to be over.

But the worst part was yet to come.

Along with the main monster, there was a twisted cult who found delight in torturing people, claiming them to be sacrifices to the… _thing_ tormenting the town. They were mentioned in passing at first, but it still made Kaneki nervous whenever anything torture-related was mentioned. His grip on his chair would tighten and his body would go stiff. Hide would then notice and give him a slightly confused and concerned look before asking what was wrong. Kaneki couldn’t blame him since this happened when nothing even remotely frightening was occurring on screen. He couldn’t tell him the truth, though, so he simply dismissed it, telling Hide to focus more on the movie.

 And then it came—the dreaded torture scene. Kaneki was out of there the second he figured out what was about to happen, claiming he had an urgent need to use the restroom and that he’d be back in a moment.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to come with you?” Hide questioned. “You seem a little—“

“No, I’m fine. I just—I need to go. Now.”

“…Okay.”

 _Please don’t be following me_ , Kaneki prayed in his mind as he hastily left the theater and made a beeline for the restroom. Once there, he collapsed in a stall, letting his body fall against the wall. His breathing pattern was fast and irregular, his heart beating out of his chest. Not to mention that something akin to a splitting headache was forming. Oh, no. He could feel it—the memories he’d long suppressed were forcing their way out of their cage, and with them, all the sensations he’d felt as well. The pliers tearing off his fingers and toes. The needle stabbing into his mucosa. The pain of watching a mother and child die. The centipede in his ear. The centipede in his ear. _The centipede in his ear._

Before he could stop it, a blood-curdling scream tore its way out of his throat. “ _It’s in my ear it’s in my ear get it out get it out get it out get it out get it out get it out get it out get it out!_ ” he cried, clutching his head with both hands. His muscles twitched in his lower back, his kagune itching to get out. No, no. He couldn’t do that. This couldn’t happen now. He had to get control, had to fight back his insanity. Taking in as much air as he could while hyperventilating—which wasn’t much—he tried to calm himself down the only way he knew how.

“One thousand minus seven, what’s one thousand minus seven?” he said out loud. “One thousand minus seven is…is…nine hundred ninety-three, nine hundred eighty-six, nine hundred seventy-nine…”

He continued counting, feeling his muscles slowly relax and his breathing begin to steady. Nine hundred twenty-three. Nine hundred sixteen. Yes, it was working. If he did this, he would be okay. Everything would be okay. Except for him, he was never okay. No, he was okay. He was really okay. No he wasn’t. Yes he was.

_No I’m not. Yes I am._

His mind was a dichotomy, his thoughts jumbled. Would he really be able to go back out there and pretend like everything was alright? Like he hadn’t just scared three people out of the restroom and like there weren’t employees coming to find the crazy person in the second stall? He needed to relocate. The last thing he wanted was to be interrogated at a time like this.

Still counting, Kaneki stumbled out of the stall and took a quick look at himself in the mirror. Just as expected—he was the literal definition of a wreck. Attempting to look at least a little composed, he smoothed down his tousled hair and splashed some water on his face. But he couldn’t fix his wide, frightened eyes or his trembling hands. That would go away with a little time, though.

He hoped.

Kaneki left the restroom, hoping his shakiness wasn’t too noticeable. At least he was calm now. Having regained some of his composure, he was fairly certain he could go back into the theater and pretend nothing had happened. He was pretty skilled at that type of thing.

“Hide…how much longer is this movie?” he mumbled once he was back in his seat. Hide slowly shook his head in response, grabbing Kaneki’s arm and holding it hostage in a vice grip. Apparently, he’d missed another scary part, which he wasn’t remorseful about at all. The torture scene had also passed, thankfully, and the characters were now formulating a plan to combat the cult group and the monster.

Gradually, Kaneki returned back to his normal state, but his little “episode” still lingered in the back of his mind. He let his thoughts be consumed with Hide, who was always a comfort to him in times like these, even when he didn’t know what was going on.

Their little challenge was long forgotten. They were both scared shitless by the third quarter of the movie, but Kaneki took pride in the fact that he hadn’t squeaked at any point in time, unlike a certain someone beside him. Hide had insisted it was a squeak of manliness, but he knew better.

And then the second noteworthy event that night happened. As the monster shredded yet another person to pieces, organs flying across the screen, Kaneki’s stomach growled. Eyes widening, he looked to Hide to see if he’d noticed.

He had.

“Oh my, god,” he muttered, hiding his face in his hands. First his freak-out, and now this—his luck was terrible that day. That was definitely going on his list of the most embarrassing things to ever happen to him, right next to saying hi to someone and they didn’t say hi back. He couldn’t _believe_ his stomach chose to do that right then. Right when someone was literally being massacred, it just had to go _hey, that looks really good!_ Maybe he was still fucked up from before. Maybe his ghoul side hadn’t been completely suppressed after all.

Then, he heard a quiet laugh from beside him and peered through his hands to look at Hide. He was smiling at him, and Kaneki’s first thought was _how the hell does he still manage that smile at a time like this?_ His second, third, and all others after were all variations of _I can’t believe I just did that_ and _please end my suffering._

“It’s okay, Kaneki,” Hide said, acting completely normal. “You probably don’t get a lot to eat, right?”

That was true. The CCG sent only one parcel of meat to him every month, and while he could really use a little more, he wasn’t about to ask Akira to see if she could up his quantity. Besides the fact that it could look suspicious, they had others to feed, too. He also tried to stay away from :re’s reserve of meat. He only allowed himself a helping from there if he were really in need, which wasn’t often. Other than that, he stuck to the parcels, trying to practice portion control.

“N-No, I get enou—“

Another growl, and he sighed. “Here,” Hide stated, holding out his arm in front of Kaneki. Kaneki removed his hands from his face and looked at him questionably. “You need food, you nerd. Just don’t take too big of a bite or anything, I don’t want to bleed all over the theater.” He laughed quietly.

Kaneki couldn’t believe his ears. “You can’t be serious,” he said in disbelief. Hide nodded, smile still intact. “Hide, I’m not going to eat you.” _I’m not going to let myself endanger you like that._

“Just nibble or something, I don’t know. Whatever makes you feel better.”

The gnawing in his stomach was becoming worse as the scene on the screen continued to play out, and Kaneki actually found himself contemplating to accept Hide’s offer. There was no doubt it was enticing—secretly, he had always wondered what Hide would taste like—but he couldn’t, could he? Hide was giving him the okay, but what if he were only doing this to be nice and didn’t actually want to go through with it? What if he couldn’t control himself like before? What if—

“Don’t overthink things, Kaneki. Yes, I’m completely okay with this, and no, I won’t like you any less if you do it. And you won’t hurt me either, I know you won’t. You need to eat to keep up your health, I don’t want you starving or anything,” Hide said.

“…Are you sure you’re really okay with his?” he asked.

His smile became gentler. “I’m sure.”

“…Okay.” Kaneki slunk down in his chair to make sure no one would see, even though the others in the theater weren’t close to them. Hesitantly, he took Hide’s arm in his hands, bringing it up to his mouth and beginning to nibble on it tentatively. It tasted slightly salty, like all skin did. He bit down a little harder and checked for signs of distress on Hide’s face, which was now facing the screen. He glanced at Kaneki out of the corner of his eye and gave him another reassuring smile.

He continued biting and nibbling like that, and for a while, it was satisfying enough. And then there was another gruesome scene and he was biting a little harder, drawing a small amount of blood to the surface. He felt Hide tense for an instant before he slowly relaxed. Kaneki lapped up the blood with his tongue. It tasted incredible. He hadn’t had blood this fresh in a long time, hadn’t tasted it pumping through a live body since that last incident. But he didn’t want to think about that, so he instead focused on the magnificent flavor dancing on his tongue as he sucked out more blood of the wound he’d created.

Hide inhaled sharply when he bit down again, and Kaneki’s head immediately snapped up to make sure he was alright. “Don’t worry about me, I’m fine,” he assured. “Keep going. I’ll just be here enjoying my po— _shit!_ ” He jolted in his seat as another jump scare occurred. The ends of Kaneki’s mouth turned up in a smile.

He stopped biting, gingerly sucking on the wound he had created. He didn’t want to cause Hide anymore pain, even if he said he were fine. Just sucking was enough, though. He felt his hunger begin to curb as he lapped up the last of the blood he could draw out. Releasing the arm, he surveyed the damage. It wasn’t anything that wouldn’t heal, but it looked like it hurt a bit. He wiped at his mouth, not wanting there to be any blood on it.

“Thanks,” he murmured to Hide, who turned and smiled at him.

“It’s no problem,” he said. Then, unexpectedly, he went in to peck Kaneki on the lips, and Kaneki smiled. He hoped he hadn’t tasted any blood, though.

Thirty minutes and the biggest jump scare Kaneki had ever witnessed later, they were out. It was night now, the stars twinkling overhead. Upon exiting the dark theater, he rubbed his eyes and allowed them to adjust to the familiar city lighting. It was much better than that horrible theater, which he would probably never go to again. And despite having people on all sides of them as they walked toward the station, he couldn’t help but feel paranoid that thing was going to jump out at them from an alleyway. “I’m never letting you take me to another horror movie again,” he mumbled.

Hide shuddered, the chilly wind nipping at his uncovered face. “Good. You should have talked me out of it when you had the chance, Kaneki.”

“I tried!" Kaneki huffed indignantly. “You’re too stubborn for your own good.”

“Heh. Guess so.”

They continued walking. Another gust of wind had Kaneki pulling his scarf over the lower portion of his face to keep warm. Hide shivered beside him again—he obviously didn’t keep up with the weather. Either that or he was one of those people who thought they were immune to the cold or something. He only had on a t-shirt and jeans, no jacket or anything. Huh. That was strange. Hide normally wore jackets everywhere, even inside.

“Hide, why don’t you have a jacket?” he questioned.

“Hmm?” Hide looked over at him, apparently having been lost in thought. “Oh, why don’t a have a jacket?” Kaneki nodded. “On the way over here, I saw a homeless guy who looked pretty cold, so I gave it to him. I figured two walks in the cold wouldn’t kill me. Don’t worry, though, I’m not that—Kaneki?”

Kaneki was already unwrapping his scarf and unzipping his hoodie. Holding them out in front of him, he looked at Hide expectantly. If Hide willingly gave up his clothing for someone he didn’t even know, he could give his up for someone he did know and cared for immensely. “Here, take them.”

“But then you’ll be cold, won’t you?”

“Just think of it as repayment,” he said quietly, eyeing the bite marks on Hide’s arm. He internally winced at seeing how deep they actually were.

Hide noticed him staring and gave him a smile, his teeth chattering. “They look worse than they are, don’t worry!”

“Hide, please just take them.”

A look of concern flashed across his face before he sighed. It looked like his logical side was kicking in. “…Only if you keep the scarf,” he finally agreed.

Kaneki smiled softly, handing Hide the hoodie and wrapping the scarf back around his neck. It felt a little awkward without the other layer, but it was better than nothing. At least he had on a thicker shirt than Hide. He almost wished for some of his old sweaters, but no. That wasn’t him anymore. Though lately, he _had_ been feeling more like his old self. Besides earlier, at least. That feeling was what inspired him to go out and buy a scarf, something unseen in his rather limited wardrobe for years—that and the cold, too.

Hide zipped up the hoodie and shoved his hands into its pockets, trying to warm up. “Whoa, this thing’s really warm,” he commented.

“Either that or you’re just really cold.”

He grinned. “Touché.”

They spent some time wandering in and out of stores, looking for nothing in particular but simply enjoying each other’s company. After grabbing a quick meal for Hide, they decided it was time to head home.

Getting home as the temperature plunged even further wasn’t something Kaneki was looking forward to, but sadly, it had to be done. _Better sooner than later_ , he told himself as he walked out the door of the fast food restaurant, followed by Hide. His breath made icy puffs of white every time he exhaled outside, and he shivered.

“Where the hell did this extreme cold front come from?” Hide asked. Kaneki shook his head back and forth slowly, rapidly rubbing his arms in an attempt to create some friction and generate heat. The cold was sapping every bit of energy he had left in him. It wouldn’t have been so bad if not for the dry arctic wind that seemed to blow from every direction. The temperature probably wasn’t even low enough for it to snow—it was just the wind.

Kaneki was so focused in preserving all the body heat he had left he didn’t even notice Hide shedding the hoodie he’d given him earlier until it was being placed on his shoulders. “H-Hide?”

“You’re probably colder than me, t-thanks for letting me use it.” His teeth were beginning to chatter. With a struggle, he grinned and added, “B-Black isn’t really my color anyways.”

Kaneki wasn’t going to deny that he was most definitely colder, but he took the hoodie with reluctance. “T-Take the scarf.” Unwinding the fabric from his neck, he draped it on Hide’s head before slipping on the hoodie and zipping it. The relief of warmth was almost instant, but it wouldn’t last until they reached the station. And then there was the walk all the way back to his apartment complex. He wondered if Hide would stay the night again, like he had recently.

Chuckling, Hide accepted the scarf, wrapping it around his neck and lower face. “You know, we c-could go to my place. It’s closer t-than yours.”

“P-Please, yes.” Pulling the hood over his head, Kaneki cupped his hands over his mouth and blew warm air into them to warm up his face. It only helped a little, though.

After a few more minutes, Hide stopped walking. “O-Okay, that’s it. We’re getting a cab.”

“M-Money?” Kaneki managed.

“I don’t c-care, man. We’ll run for it if we have to. Or you can go all g-ghoul and shit and get us a free ride.” He proceeded to begin waving at any car that passed, taxi or no, trying desperately to flag one down. Two minutes passed, and Kaneki was just about to tell him to give it up when finally, one came.

“Hey!” Hide yelled, flailing his arms. “Over here!”

The cab pulled over to the curb where they were. They hauled ass to get inside, Kaneki hastily slamming the door shut once he was in and next to Hide. The warm air that greeted them was a welcome relief from the frigid wind outside.

“Cold night for a stroll, you two,” the driver said, looking back at them. His face was gaunt, almost haggard, with wide eyes and cheekbones that appeared to be etched on his face. The unchanging tone of his voice was almost eerie. A smell lingered in the air, tinging it foul to Kaneki’s nose. It was a smell he was all too associated with; blood. There was also the ever-present scent of chemicals—probably to cover the other smell up. That, or the man was just really bad at cleaning up his messes in the cab.

Kaneki frowned as Hide told the driver his complex’s address. As much as he didn’t want this man to know where Hide lived, there was no helping it; they were already inside the vehicle. Getting out now would be suspicious.

Thankfully, nothing eventful happened during the ride. The driver was silent the entire time, the only sound being the soft background noise of the radio. It took a bit of time to reach their destination, but soon enough, they were counting out what change they had left to pay for the fare. They were fortunate enough to just scrape by with enough.

“Have a good night,” the driver told them before closing the window and driving away.

Hide watched as the cab turned a corner, vanishing from their sights. “That man was a ghoul, right?” he questioned.

Kaneki blinked in surprise. “How did you know?”

“Hmm…he just gave off this aura of creepiness. And the car smelled strange, too. It was barely there, but I thought I smelled something like blood.” He shrugged. “It was probably just a lucky guess, but I’d like to think my intuition is pretty good. Shit—I’m getting cold again.”

“Do you have some sort of sixth sense or something, Hide? It seems like you’re easily able to figure out if someone’s a ghoul.”

Hide grinned, a mischievous expression on his face as they walked toward the building. “Maybe I do, maybe I don’t. Or maybe I’m just awesome like that.”

“I’ll go with a sixth sense,” Kaneki stated as they ascended a flight of stairs to Hide’s floor. The complex was considerably smaller than his own. It looked similar to the one he resided in as a college student, and he began to feel some nostalgia. “This reminds me of when I was in uni.”

“Heh, just wait until you see my place. Then you’ll really feel nostalgic.”

Even though they’d known each other for a few months now, Kaneki had never been to Hide’s home. It’s not like it was some big secret, they just never hung out there. He was eager to see what it looked like. It was probably messy but welcoming, just enough clutter to make you feel at home.

“Well, here we are!” Hide said, stopping in front of a door. Reaching into his jean pockets with a fumbling, shaky hand, he grabbed his keys and managed to unlock the apartment. Upon opening the door, they both all but ran in, eager to escape the cold. “Ahh, it’s like a sauna in here. Thank God for heaters.”

Kaneki nodded in agreement, taking off his hoodie and tossing it on the nearby sofa. His guess had been right; there was clutter, but it wasn’t overwhelming. It made the space feel lived-in and cozier. For some odd reason, the majority of the mess were socks. Along with random papers and school-related books, they were practically everywhere. “Uh, Hide, what’s with all the socks?”

“Oh, those. When I get home after a long day of classes and work, I like to crash on the couch and take off my socks. It’s like the signal my productive day is over. I kind of just forget to pick them up,” he answered, chuckling. “I guess I’ll do that now.”

Hide went to work at collecting all of the socks while Kaneki sat down on the sofa. “You want some coffee?” Hide called to him from his bedroom as he put the articles of clothing in their proper place—hopefully a wastebasket.

“Yeah, that’d be nice,” Kaneki said back. He looked around for the remote to the TV, spotting it under a paper on the table. Turning on the device, he flipped through the channels until he found something suitable. He ended up watching the news, but tuned out when he realized the story wasn’t interesting.

Moments later, Hide returned to the entrance room with two hot cups of coffee in both hands, dressed in a fresh t-shirt and shorts. “Here ya go.” He handed Kaneki one of them and sat down beside him. Chuckling, he added, “Hope it’s better than last one.”

Kaneki accepted the cup and took a sip. While it still wasn’t up to his standards (he had been around quality coffee made at the hands of experts too much for his own good), there was a definite improvement. It wasn’t nearly as bitter or strong and actually managed to provide a somewhat good flavor. He smiled softly. “It’s much better. Thank you.”

Hide smiled back happily, eyes lighting up. “Really? I guess I improved, then. I’m glad it’s even remotely drinkable now.” He laughed quietly.

Kaneki nodded before setting his coffee down, Hide watching him questioningly. And then he was looping his arms around Hide’s neck, pressing his lips to the other’s. He felt Hide smile into the kiss as he placed his cup on the table as well. Hands settled on his sides, pulling him closer. Their lips lingered on each other’s before Kaneki pulled back and settled his head in the crook of Hide’s neck.

“Dork,” Hide murmured against him, arms wrapping around his body.

Holding Hide close to him, Kaneki’s smile grew. Like this, he felt safe. Like this, he could almost forget his past and its hauntings. Like this, nothing else mattered.

Like this, he could almost lose himself.

And that was the best thing anyone could make him feel.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading!


	10. the reaper's footsteps

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bad news unu 
> 
> due to my very packed schedule, I will no longer be able to update this on a weekly basis. unfortunately, there's just been way too much going on in my life to be able to keep up with it. this makes me really sad because I love writing so much and I love all of you guys, but this can't be my #1 priority anymore like it was in the summer. I've also been in a major writer's block and haven't written anything in over 3 weeks, which is really bad. I'll try my best to get the chapters out within 2 weeks apart now instead of 1, but please be patient with me if the wait is a little longer! once again I'm so so sorry about this, but I hope you all can understand. 
> 
> so from now on, this story will (hopefully) be updated every 2 weeks now.

It was now a couple weeks after the movie. Hide had only spent the night once at Kaneki’s before it, but he took it as a green light to come over and crash whenever he liked. Even though Kaneki always sighed and mumbled something about how he stole the covers, he knew he didn’t actually mind. The fond look on his face gave him away each time he showed up at his door with a pillow and a bright smile.

Their nights were spent relatively peacefully; Kaneki would read while Hide watched television or did things on his laptop, which he brought over most of the time now. Hide learned Kaneki was somewhat of a night owl, and more often than not, he found himself curled up beside him as he read later into the night, eyes closed as he listened to Kaneki’s soft, steady breathing. It was strange, really, just how relaxing it was hearing someone else breathe.

Kaneki was constantly worried about whether or not he was getting enough sleep by staying up with him—he _did_ still have morning classes, after all—but it was worth losing some rest to be awake with him. When they were sleeping, they were snuggled up in Kaneki’s bed, both sleeping peacefully through the night.

But this night was different.

Hide was awakened by an arm to the face, which was unusual. Kaneki rarely moved in his sleep. Cracking open his bleary eyes, he squinted to make out the jolting head of white hair beside him and the thrashing lumps beneath the covers. In his groggy state, he didn’t register what was happening at first, but as the dark room slowly came into focus, so did his thoughts.

Kaneki was having a nightmare.

“ _Centipedes, centipedes everywhere in my ears my eyes my mouth! I can hear the reaper’s footsteps_ , _closer, closer_ ,” he chanted, as if under a spell.

Hide immediately began to shake him. “Kaneki! Kaneki, wake up!” Panic was beginning to bubble within him. This seemed bad, really bad. He hadn’t seen anything like this before.

Hide tore the covers away from Kaneki, throwing them off the bed. He shook him harder, more violently, but Kaneki was shaking just as much without him. His jerky movements made it hard for Hide to keep his grip, but he did nonetheless. “Kaneki!” he cried once again.

Suddenly, Kaneki’s eyes flew open and he gasped, taking in all the air his lungs could hold before releasing it all in a scream. The kakugan in his left eye activated, turning his sclera black and his iris red. There was the sound of ripping and tearing, and faster than Hide could blink, four things on both sides of the bed that could only be described as scaly red tentacles were poised for attack, both aimed at him.

Without thinking, Hide threw himself on Kaneki, pulling him into the tightest embrace possible in their given position. He squeezed him as hard as he could, and the screams slowly began to die down. The tentacles—or, rather, his kagune—moved apprehensively, as if unsure what to do.

Kaneki was now panting, chest heaving up and down against Hide’s own. Hide murmured comforting things in his ear, repeating variations of “It was just a dream,” and “I’m here, don’t worry.” Kaneki’s arms found his back, and they hugged his body so tightly the air was forced out of his lungs. It was incredible how strong he was.

Out of the corner of his eye, Hide noticed the kagune retracting. They scraped along the inside of the bed to get back into Kaneki’s body. When they moved, he was sure there would be a large gaping hole where Kaneki had been lying. Well, at least they were getting new furniture for the apartment. They would have to add a new bed to the list of things to get.

“Hide?” Kaneki mumbled as he slowly regained control of himself.

Hide shifted so his face was directly above Kaneki’s and smiled softly. “I’m here, Kaneki. Are you okay? Can I get you anything? Do you need me to do anything?”

“I…” Bewildered, Kaneki stared up at him, his mouth slowly opening and closing as he searched for the words that seemed to be escaping him. Hide nodded at him to take his time. “I-I’m fine, really. I just need to stay up for a little while. You can go back to sleep. Thank you.”

His smile slowly dropped. “If you think I’m leaving you alone after that, Kaneki, you’re wrong. Even if all you need to do is stay awake, I’ll stay awake with you.”

Kaneki’s hands clutched at his shirt. “No, you should really get some sleep. You have cla—“

“I don’t care if I have class.” Hide’s face softened. He moved his hand to place it lightly on Kaneki’s cheek. Kaneki looked at him with pain-filled eyes, silently begging him to just comply. “I’ll skip it if I have to. If I don’t feel like you’re okay, I’m not leaving you. Okay?” he finished gently.

“…Okay.”

Hide began to slowly untangle himself from the other, Kaneki’s tired and bloodshot eyes on him the entire time. His left eye had reverted back to normal, which seemed to signal that the worst was over.

“Wait,” Kaneki said as he stood, motioning for Hide to come closer. He complied and leaned down, smiling when a pair of arms wrapped around his lower back. Kaneki pressed himself into Hide, inhaling his scent before breathing a long sigh. “Okay.” He released him and stood as well. “I’m going to make some coffee.”

They made their way to the kitchen, both tired and weary. “Are they always this bad?” Hide questioned as he watched Kaneki prepare two cups, one black and one mostly cream. Kaneki faltered for a split second, hand holding the cup of water freezing up. He breathed another sigh before resuming his task.

“Most of the time, yeah,” he answered. “I haven’t had them recently, though, so it was worse than usual. Not the dream, but the experience. It’s hard to explain.”

“You grew accustomed to them, and when they didn’t happen for a while, it was like a slap in the face having another, right?”

“Something like that, I suppose.”

Hide immediately picked up on the fact that Kaneki wasn’t comfortable talking about the nightmare at that moment, so he dropped it, instead opting to make lighter conversation. “I think the chair and the table were a good choice,” he stated, surveying the new furniture. “They’re re—“

A pounding on the door cut Hide off, and he turned to Kaneki, who looked like a deer in headlights. “We’ll ignore it,” he said quietly.

Unfortunately, the door-pounder was there to make himself known. “Hey! Open up the door, you damn brat!” he shouted. “Some of us are trying to sleep right now, so you shouldn’t be fucking _screaming_ in the middle of the night!”

“Says the one yelling and banging on a door,” Kaneki muttered.

“Open up! I know you’re in there! Hey, Kiyoko, help me get this kid out.”

Suddenly, a new voice spoke up, this one high and shrill. It belonged to a woman. “Get out here, kid!” she hollered. “If you don’t, we’re all filing complaints against you!”

Something in Kaneki’s eyes changed. “I can’t let them complain against me, Hide,” he said, voice tight. “I have to go talk to them.”

“They only want to cause trouble, Kaneki. If you don’t go—“

“If they complain and get others to file complaints against me as well, my landlord will do a check on me and I’ll get kicked out. I have a better chance at not having to move if I go out and face them,” he explained.

“Kaneki…” Hide tried as Kaneki went to answer the door. He grimaced. Talking to those people would only put more strain on him right now, and that was the last thing he needed. But he reluctantly stood by, watching as the door was opened, revealing a man and a woman who both appeared in their late thirties.

“There you are, you brat,” the man snarled, grabbing Kaneki by the shirt. “You think you can just do whatever you want, huh? Well, guess what—the world doesn’t revolve around you. Someof us have steady jobs that they need a good amount of sleep for, and screaming and waking us all up when it’s two in the morning doesn’t exactly work for those kinds of people.”

The woman nodded as he spoke. “You don’t belong here, kid. You’re different.”

Kaneki’s gaze darkened. “Please let go of me,” he said to the man calmly.

“And why should I? Are you gonna keep screaming?”

Hide watched the exchange with fearful eyes. Would Kaneki…do something if provoked enough? And what exactly would he do? This wasn’t looking good.

And then, as if sent from the heavens above, someone new—and more importantly, unbiased—appeared.

“I believe it’s in your best interests if you release him.”

Akira, who materialized behind the two people tormenting Kaneki, radiated nothing short of pure power and control. The man instantly dropped Kaneki and backed away, the woman following suit. Akira stared them down until they finally retreated back into their respective apartments, each muttering crude insults directed at both her and Kaneki. “Are you alright?” she asked once they were gone.

Kaneki nodded. “I'm alright. Thank you, Akira-san.”

Akira nodded back in acknowledgement before looking beyond Kaneki and into his open apartment, where she saw a very relieved, very disheveled Hide. “Hello, Nagachika.”

Hide gave a small wave and a sheepish grin in response. Well, this was kind of embarrassing. Akira, his former superior, had caught him in another man’s home. At night. Okay, it’s not like they were doing anything, but it still felt weird and awkward. Especially when she was in pajama pants and a tacky red cardigan, which had been hastily thrown over a yellow tank top with a cartoon cat on it.

And yet she was still as intimidating as ever.

“May I come in?” she asked Kaneki, who hesitated before saying yes and stepping aside to give her entryway. She walked in and took a look around, and Hide half expected her to comment on the lava lamp, but she said nothing, which was oddly disappointing. Instead, she opted to take a seat on the couch. It was evident she was expecting them to sit down as well, so they did, Hide in one chair and Kaneki in the other.

Akira took a deep breath in before heaving a long sigh. She appeared to be as tired as they were. Nevertheless, she wanted answers. “So, I’d like to know what this ordeal was about.”

He and Kaneki exchanged glances. Hide recognized the plea for help in the other’s eyes. “Kaneki had a nightmare,” he answered. “He woke up and screamed, which woke the neighbors up, and they came to complain.”

“I see. And what did they say to you, Kaneki?”

Kaneki grimaced. Hide wished he could take on the question, but since it was addressed to him specifically, he couldn’t help. “They said I shouldn’t be screaming at night and that they were going to file complaints,” he said quietly after collecting his thoughts.

Akira nodded. “Unfortunately, I can’t do anything to stop the complaints since this isn’t blatant discrimination against you. Nagachika, you’re aware of Kaneki’s state of being, correct?”

“Yeah,” he replied, nodding. That was an odd way to ask whether or not he knew he was with a ghoul or not. What would she have done if he hadn’t known? “How did you guess that?”

She smiled slyly. “My intuition,” she stated. “Back to the subject, I can’t intervene as a CCG member because they weren’t aware that you’re a ghoul. If they were, I might be able to do something. But, even so, my efforts would most likely be futile, as the word would spread and there would be too much pressure for you to move out. That, coupled with the fact the CCG is still reluctant to take actions to help ghouls, makes it pointless to even try.”

Kaneki sighed. “What I don’t understand is why you’re willing to help me, even though you’re an investigator.”

“The law is more important than my personal feelings as an investigator and a human, Kaneki,” she explained. “If this is ever going to work—humans and ghouls living side-by-side—it needs to start by being willing to help each other. If we don’t, we’ll forever remain separate islands divided by an ocean of hatred and bitterness. While the CCG is rather reluctant to admit it, our main goal now is to be the bridge between those islands. Whether we all sink or swim is up to the rest of society.” Then, a few seconds later, “But it appears you two have already figured that out.”

A noticeable blush appeared on Kaneki’s cheeks, and Hide snickered.

She smiled. “People like you, Nagachika, will make a newer, better world possible. I have hope that the rising generation will be able to cope with ghouls better than us and the older generations. Most of us are already stuck in our ways, it seems. Perhaps someday, ghouls and humans will be able to coexist peacefully. Do you foresee such a day?”

Hide glanced at Kaneki fondly, a gentle smile on his face. “Yeah, I do,” he said. Kaneki smiled back wearily. “Maybe it won’t happen for a while, but I think it will eventually. I didn’t know it until recently, but I’ve met a lot of ghouls, and they’re all just normal people. If they just go about blending in peacefully, I’m sure people will realize that most don’t mean any harm.”

“Most, yes. While we’re on the topic, did you make any progress in your personal investigation of Centipede, Nagachika?”

“O-Oh, you know about that?” He laughed sheepishly. “No, I haven’t made any progress for a long time. Has the CCG?”

“We’ve been led to believe he’s either dead or taken on a new identity and is blending in with society. Considering his strength, I’m certain it’s the latter. We’re having trouble with that. High-rated ghouls are getting a free pass to living peacefully simply by claiming they’re a weak ghoul who’s unknown to the CCG. It’s a real problem. We know some are slipping through, but we can’t identify which at the moment.” Akira looked to Kaneki, her expression turning dark and serious. “Perhaps you’re a bypasser of the system, Kaneki. Could this be true?”

Kaneki’s eyes widened. “N-No, I’m not. Wh—“

“I’m joking. Don’t get unwound over that. Now, if you’ll excuse me”—she stood and stretched—“I’m going back to sleep. It’s been nice chatting with you both. Goodnight, you two.”

“Goodnight,” Hide called as she closed the door behind her. He turned to Kaneki, who looked slightly spooked. “Hey, are you okay?” he asked softly, laying a light hand on Kaneki’s shoulder. He tensed before looking up.

“I’m okay,” he answered, exhaling a shaky breath. “Just tired.”

 Hide knew it was much more than that, but didn’t press. It was becoming increasingly obvious that Akira’s words had a ring of truth to them. Kaneki was most likely a dangerous ghoul who got off scot-free by assuming a different ghoul identity. It didn’t make any difference to him—Kaneki was still Kaneki—but it was something to chew on.

He looked over at the abandoned coffee-making supplies in the kitchen. “Do you want to stay up or try to sleep, Kaneki?” he asked.

“…I think I’ll try sleeping.”

Hide nodded, and they retreated into the bedroom. They both snuggled into each other under the covers, arms and legs intertwined. It was quiet for a moment. Only the sounds of soft breaths filled the silence that didn’t feel like the kind of silence you slept in; it was more like something had been left unsaid. And sure enough, Kaneki spoke up a minute later.

“Hide?”

Hide opened his eyes and was met with two gray orbs staring back at him. “Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

Those two simple words carried more meaning than Hide ever thought words could. Kaneki wasn’t of many words when it came to expressing himself, so the ones he did say carried more weight and importance than all others combined. And it seemed he was fond of “thank you,” as he said it to Hide almost on a daily basis. He wasn’t always sure what he was being thanked for, but he took it.

Smiling, he shifted to press a kiss to Kaneki’s cheek. “No problem, Kaneki.”

They fell back into a now comfortable silence before Hide remembered something he wanted to say. “Hey, you know what was really disappointing?”

“What?”

“That Akira-san didn’t say anything about the lava lamp. I was legit sad, dude.”

“Go to sleep, Hide.”

“Are you telling me you don’t care about that?! And here I thought the lava lamp was our child. You should be more proud of it, you know.”

Kaneki raised his eyebrows in that sassy way of his, the way no one but those who were close to him would expect. It made Hide laugh each time he saw it just because of how much he resembled a disapproving teacher, specifically his science teacher in his second year of high school. “Okay, you’re delirious. How did I come to be with such a dork?” he mumbled at the end.

Hide grinned. “And how did I come to be with such a nerd?”

Kaneki sighed fondly, a small smile finding its way onto his lips. “Let’s just go to sleep.”

He chuckled. “Okay, okay. Goodnight, Kaneki.”

“Goodnight, Hide.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading!


	11. i am monster

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao I totally forgot hinami would be around sixteen in this story and that she was pretty serious and stuff in :re when she was around this age. but if the events of that never happened (aka this story), I think she would have stayed more like her fourteen year-old self, sweet but slightly less innocent than back then. so yeah, she’s still kind of like she was back then in case anybody was wondering why her personality seems a bit different. idk, maybe I'm just overthinking it. also Touka pls love yourself and wear actual pants when it’s cold outside geez

Touka wrapped her jacket more securely around herself, shivering beneath it. “Ugh, it’s too damn cold.”

“I told you not to wear shorts, Touka,” Yoriko chided, shaking her head back and forth. “Even though I’m your wise, all-knowing girlfriend, you still didn’t listen to me when I said you should wear jeans.”

“Ah, geez, Yoriko, don’t go all mom on me. Kaneki’s already maternal enough to make up for everyone I know combined. He brought an extra jacket to work a couple days ago just because I forgot mine once and he wanted to make sure I had one. I swear, it’s like he’s already a parent or something.”

“Kaneki’s just a naturally nice person, right? It makes sense he would do that.”

“Yeah, I guess so.” She shoved her hands into her pockets. “He’d probably be the most doting parent the world would ever see.”

“I think we should get him a present.”

Touka looked over Yoriko. “Huh, a present? Why’s that?”

“I dunno, to celebrate his happiness or something. That’s something worth celebrating, isn’t it? He’s been pretty sad for all the time I’ve known him,” Yoriko said. “Don’t you want to brighten his day a little?”

 _Huh. Maybe we_ should _get him something_ , she thought.

“Yeah, okay,” she answered. “I have no idea what we could get him, though.”

“Hmm…” Yoriko crossed her arms and made her signature thinking face—which Touka secretly found adorable—as they walked along the sidewalk. “A book?”

“I don’t know of any book he doesn’t already own.”

“His favorite food? Oh, wait…”

Touka couldn’t help but laugh. “If you feel like slicing the thighs off of someone to give to him, be my guest.”

Yoriko puffed out her cheeks. “I don’t see you coming up with anything better, Miss Snarky.”

“We could get him a plant,” she suggested. “Remember how he said he and Hide were remodeling his apartment? It’s long overdue, if you ask me. I think some sunflowers would be a nice touch. They’d add some color to the place.”

“Ohh, that’s a great idea! Sunflowers mean warmth and happiness, right? You’re a genius, Touka!”

Touka smirked. “I know.”

 

* * *

 

Kaneki stood outside of :re for a moment before entering, a small smile on his face as the bells signaling his arrival. He surveyed it from the entrance, taking in its comfortable atmosphere. He didn’t know why he appreciated the shop’s familiarity all of a sudden. Maybe it was because of his recent nightmare.

“Kaneki? Is that you?” he heard Touka call from upstairs.

“Yeah, it’s me,” he said back.

“Get your ass up here! The morning shift’s about to start!”

Kaneki gave a huff of a laugh and made his way upstairs, where Touka was already changed and waiting for him. “I’ll go ahead and open us up. Be down in five,” she stated before beginning to descend the steps. “Oh—Nishiki’s going to be picking up a few shifts soon, so don’t be surprised if you see him around.”

Kaneki nodded. “I haven’t seen Nishio in a while, it’ll be nice working with him again.”

Touka snorted. “Yeah, say that to me again after you’ve worked a shift with him. I think you’ll remember what it’s like.”

A fond expression came over Kaneki’s face. Even though Nishio was borderline mean and often replied to whatever someone said to him with a retort far too witty to have been created on the spot, he was still his friend. Kaneki wondered if he practiced and perfected his sarcastic lines. He didn’t doubt that he did.

He’d dropped the honorific on Nishio’s name after the raid on Anteiku. For some reason, it hadn’t felt right from there on. The times had changed, and so had they; there was no point in keeping up something from the old halcyon days. That, and by the time he turned twenty, there was really no need for it any longer.

It had been roughly six months since he had seen Nishio, who was preoccupied ascending the ranks in the world of still-fighting ghouls. He didn’t know why he refused to settle down. It would only cause trouble if the CCG found out his identity and linked him back to :re, where he worked occasionally. Nishio only picked up shifts when he needed the money so as not to cause them any hassle, but Kaneki couldn’t help but be slightly worried whenever he showed up. The last thing he wanted for all of them was a repeat of Anteiku.

He vaguely wondered what Tsukiyama was up to right then. They’d kept in touch, and Tsukiyama had even gone so far to invite him over for dinner a more than a few times, to which he’d accepted only once. It had been a flavorful dinner, of course, but he didn’t go over again. He couldn’t help but feel as if Tsukiyama were subconsciously willing his meat to taste like him. The boisterous ghoul still occasionally stopped by the shop for a cup of coffee and a quick chat, which was enough interaction with him for Kaneki.

He was pulled out of his thoughts by the tinkle of the bells downstairs, indicating the first customer of the day had wandered in. “Welcome to Re!” he heard Touka call cheerfully. Right, he needed to get changed. Making his way to the small changing area, he stripped down and neatly folded his casual clothing into a neat stack before putting on his uniform and heading downstairs. Two more customers had already arrived by that time. He took his position behind the counter and began taking orders as Touka prepared the coffee. They were an efficient team, one of the reasons :re was able to do as well as it did with its very limited amount of staffing.

They got past the morning rush with barely any trouble. Around eleven, customers began to trickle in instead of pour in. With his work at a lull, he decided to take a quick break. Taking a seat, Kaneki pulled out his phone and discovered he had a message from Hide.

 _my headphones broke_ (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ _these things were like my kids ya know? i’ve had them for so long. will you help me hold a funeral kaneki? bc i don’t think i can do it by myself. and you might have to hold me maybe even kiss me a little bit too_

Smiling to himself, he typed back a reply.

_Okay, I’ll come over after my shift. Aren’t you in class right now?_

A response came only a few seconds later.

_…maybe_

_Hide, you should really be paying attention._

_oh hush mom. come by at 6, k?_

_Okay, see you then._

“Ah, shit…” Touka mumbled as he approached the counter.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

She sighed. “I forgot I took the evening shift today, marked it wrong on my planner. Could you meet Hinami at the station when she’s finished with school? She wanted to go to some clothing store with me, but I can’t make it now.”

Kaneki hesitated. Hinami, who was in the school newspaper club, got out from school around twenty minutes before he was supposed to go to Hide’s. “Okay,” he said anyways. “I’ll go with her.”

“Great, thanks. I’ll let her know.” The bell rung, drawing her attention to the door. “We’ve got a new customer—back to work. Welcome to Re!”

 

* * *

 

He really and truthfully didn’t know how Hide ended up tagging along.

Kaneki ultimately decided he wouldn’t be able to make it for Hide’s “funeral” for his deceased headphones, so after explaining what came up, he told him he’d have to make it another time. Which brought him to the current situation—Hide had somehow ended up with him waiting at the station for Hinami to arrive.

“Mahn, I mif bein in high school,” his friend said, stuffing his mouth full with the rest of his pork bun.

Kaneki couldn’t help but smile. Apparently, there was some popular sports manga everyone seemed to be reading which featured the main characters eating pork buns quite often, and Hide, after reading it, had since taken a liking to them. “You shouldn’t talk with your mouth full, Hide.”

After a moment, Hide managed to swallow. He grinned before continuing, “I was in all sorts of clubs. Looking back, I think my favorite one was drama. Believe it or not, Kaneki, I’m a fantastic actor.”

“I believe it.”

“How ‘bout you? Were you in any clubs?”

He gave a half-hearted shrug. “I was in literature club one year, but that was all.” He didn’t mention that he left because he had no friends in it. Or in all of high school, really. The most he’d had were a few acquaintances at best, and he hadn’t seen or spoken to them upon graduating. High school had been a low in his life—if you didn’t count everything that had happened since he was eighteen. Which was when he had gotten out of high school. Okay, so maybe his whole life was one big low, but that didn’t matter anymore. He had Hide now.

He couldn’t help but wonder what Hide’s high school experience was like. He no doubt would have been a social butterfly, but Kaneki didn’t see him as the stereotypical popular guy. More like the jokester or the class clown that always managed to get a few laughs out of people at not always the most appropriate times. He’d probably seen his fair share of parties too. He was somebody everyone liked, somebody people always wanted to be around, and he never lingered in the corners of the classroom or was ever without someone to sit with at lunch. This led him to question for the umpteenth time; how had Kaneki ended up with someone like that?

He wasn’t complaining, though.

“That seems fitting,” Hide replied, nodding his head. “Oh, that reminds me! I have something for you.” He began to dig through the messenger bag slung over his shoulder. “I can’t believe I almost forgot. Ah—here it is.”

Finding what he’d been looking for, he held it out in front of him for Kaneki to take. It was no doubt a poorly wrapped book. The gift’s identity was given away by the unwrapped corner, which revealed part of a hard cover.

 Hide smiled happily as he took it. “Sorry, I’m not the best at wrapping, but that’s not the important part. Go ahead, open it.”

“Hide, you know it’s not my birthday, right? I thought I told you it passed,” Kaneki said, a questioning look on his face as he looked the gift over.

“I know, but I wanted to get something for you, and this seemed like a good gift.”

“You don’t have to get me anything, you know. I’m okay with just you.”

“ _Ka-ne-ki_ ,” Hide groaned, drawing out the syllables of his name. “If you don’t open it, I might spontaneously combust right here, and I don’t think you want to be responsible for cleaning up my ashes. There’re all these witnesses, too. They’ll think you set me on fire or something.”

“Okay, okay, I’m opening it,” he sighed, beginning to carefully undo the wrapping paper. He was willing to admit that he _was_ rather curious as to what book Hide thought he would enjoy. It was probably one of his attempts at getting him to read the Naruto manga again or some detective book. Since Hide went to the lengths of reading two of his favorite novels, Kaneki decided he would as well and read a few mystery novels recommended by Hide, but quickly found they had drastically different tastes in literature. It’s not that the books weren’t good but rather that he just couldn’t piece together the puzzles like Hide could, and that, unfortunately, made them less interesting.

When he had finally unwrapped the gift, it wasn’t the title of the book that caught his eye, but the author’s name in small print under it.

“Ta-da! It’s Takatsuki Sen’s new novel!” Hide exclaimed. “It just came out a few days ago and I heard every store’s selling out, so I grabbed one of the last ones in one of the bookstores we went to a while back. What do you think?”

Kaneki looked up, meeting Hide’s excited eyes. He couldn’t help but smile as he leaned in to kiss him, feeling something welling up inside of him. What was it? Love? Appreciation? Both? Yes, he decided as a pair of lips met his own. He couldn’t care less that they were in public, couldn’t care less that the people around them were giving them dirty looks. He pulled back and murmured, “Thank you, Hide,” against his cheek as he pressed a kiss to it.

Hide pulled Kaneki in for a hug, wrapping his arms around him. “You’re welcome, Kaneki,” he said back, smile widening.

The sound of a camera made them break apart, and Kaneki turned to see a grinning Hinami standing behind them, phone out. “Onii-chan, I’ve never seen you look so peaceful before,” she said, showing them the picture.

Hide’s face lit up upon seeing it, and he asked if he could send it to himself. Hinami nodded and handed off the phone to him. “Now I’ll have you as my lock screen _and_ my background, Kaneki!” he declared as he finished sending it. His phone vibrated in his pocket a few seconds later. Taking it out, he looked at the picture fondly for a moment before setting the new one as his lock screen and the one he liked to call Burrito-neki as his background. “There we go, all done. Thank you—agh! I forgot your name. I’m sorry, I’m really bad with them. It’s…Hinami, right?”

Hinami nodded again, taking her phone from his outstretched hand. She smiled sweetly, but there was something in her eyes Kaneki couldn’t place. “Yes, it is.”

Hide smiled back cheerfully. “If it’s okay with you, I’m going to tag along while you guys shop.”

“The more the merrier, right, onii-chan?”

Kaneki patted her head affectionately. “I suppose so.”

Hide and Hinami chatted amicably as they made their way to the store. Hide, of course, did most of the talking. Hinami nodded along, smiling and laughing at the funny parts of his stories. Kaneki occasionally threw a word or two of his own into the conversation as well. It was enjoyable spending time with Hinami. He hadn’t done anything like this with her in a while, so it was a nice change. It was only when they were in the store that he noticed something he hadn’t before.

“Your shirt is torn, Hinami,” he pointed out, looking closer at the tear in the fabric. It was more of a rip than a tear, he noted. Hinami stiffened and turned her back toward him so the rip on the side of her uniform was no longer visible. “Hinami?”

“Oh, that’s nothing,” she assured him, turning her head and giving him a smile. “My shirt got caught on a door handle and tore, is all.”

“…I’m not sure door handles are able to do that.”

She chuckled. “Apparently, they can. Do you think you could stitch it for me when we get home, onii-chan? Touka told me about how you fixed her dress after the night she tore it.”

Despite the knot of worry forming in his stomach, Kaneki did his best to look convinced. Nodding, he said, “I’ll fix it for you. Did you find what you were looking for?”

“Mhmm!” Hinami held up a pair of shoes. “I like these a lot.”

“Okay, let’s pay for them.”

Hide, who had been browsing the men’s section of the store, met up with them as they finished checking out. “Man, this store had a lot of clothes I liked. Too bad I’m a poor college student who can barely buy anything over 1000 yen without shedding a few tears. Manly tears, mind you.” He feigned wiping a tear from his eye, and Kaneki gave a small laugh, causing Hide to grin. “You guys all set?”

Hinami nodded. “Yep!”

“Then away we go!”

 

* * *

 

“What do you think the rip on Hinami’s shirt was from?”

Kaneki looked up from his book at Hide. They were currently at Touka’s apartment, Kaneki having been given the task of caring for Loser while he recuperated from another trip to the vet (he seemed to be getting sick often these days). At the moment, though, the bird was sleeping, so there were no occasional caws or squawks to be heard. “She said her shirt got caught on a door handle, but…” He lowered his eyes, mouth forming a thin line. “I don’t think the truth.”

“It looks more like it was forcibly ripped, if you ask me.”

“You don’t mean…”

“Yeah, I do.” Hide’s expression turned serious. “I think someone might have tried to hurt her.”

Kaneki went quiet. His fears were now sadly confirmed. In the background, a news reporter spoke, “ _There have been an increasing number of ghoul-related protests, the most recent being a band of pro-ghoul supporters gathering outside of the CCG’s Main Office to speak out against the hatred towards ghouls. The CCG is thankful no riots have occurred yet, but they have not ruled out the possibility that some could occur. And now, with us tonight is the CCG’s own Yoshitoki Washuu, the Bureau Director of the Main Office._ ”

The camera panned out to include Yoshitoki Washuu in the shot. He was sitting upright in a chair with perfect posture, his appearance refined. The reporter spoke again, “ _Washuu-san, how do you feel about the issues ghouls are having?_ ”

Yoshitoki cleared his throat. “ _Addressing ghoul-related issues is an issue in itself. It’s hard to live beside these violent creatures peacefully—that we are aware of. But we ask that the public not harass them in unnecessary ways._ ”

“ _Could you provide us with some examples of unnecessary harassment?_ ”

“ _We’re not going to cover up the truth; there have been troubles all around. Some stores refuse to allow those who they know to be ghouls entry. Ghouls also have a very difficult time finding a job or even a place to live. Ghouls in school are also having problems with bullying and discrimination. These problems are currently being addressed._ ”

“ _Are there any updates on the laws?_ ”

“ _Yes, actually. The government will soon be instating a law requiring all ghouls to wear a special symbol to identify themselves. This symbol will be a black circle with a red center._ _Its purpose will be to help normal people become more accustomed to seeing and knowing that they are interacting with ghouls._ ”

 _No, its real purpose is to segregate us even more,_ Kaneki thought bitterly. _It’s to let people know that we’re different and vulnerable. They don’t want unity, they just want us to act more like humans under the false pretense of rights._

Hinami…he couldn’t believe she had been attacked. Was this the first time or had it been happening often without his knowing? And she obviously was going to stay quiet about it, as she had lied and pretended to be okay. He knew she was still sensitive; there was no way she could be completely fine.  

He turned the TV off as the reporter began to ask another question. He could only deal with one problem at a time. “I want to help her, but I don’t know how,” he said, clenching his fist. Anger coursed through him at the thought of someone hurting or even wanting to hurt Hinami. She didn’t deserve that. Nobody did.

Hide placed his hands on Kaneki’s fist and gently began to uncurl his fingers. “I know you do, Kaneki, and I want to, too. We need to think about how we can before we act, though.” He pressed a kiss to Kaneki’s cheek. “Okay?”

Kaneki closed his eyes and exhaled, leaning into Hide. “I know.”

“I’ll start thinking of some ways. In the meantime, does Touka still keep food around? I’m about to starve to death.”

“Would you like fingers or thighs?”

He made a face. “Option three, please.”

Kaneki smiled. “Chips it is, then.”

 

* * *

 

Hinami sighed at her reflection in the mirror. She looked just like one, she acted just like one—so why couldn’t she be one? Why couldn’t she be human? She had accepted who she was in the past, but now she was longing to be anyone but herself. Anyone human, preferably.

Word had somehow gotten out at her school that she was a ghoul, which, of course, ruined her reputation. It didn’t matter that she made all A’s anymore or that she was the main writer for the school newspaper because of her impeccable writing skills. It didn’t matter that her peers found her attractive. It didn’t matter that she was always there for someone who needed a helping hand. All of that was overshadowed by a single word.

When it spread, most took to making an effort to avoid her in every way possible. They cleared a path for her in the hallways, moved away from wherever she sat, and even refused to make eye contact. Even those who she had been close to kept their distance, only exchanging a word or two with her in class when they were having full conversations before. It hurt more than she had ever imagined it would. The tightrope on which she’d been walking for so long finally snapped under her, and she came crashing down to the real world.

Unfortunate as it sounded, she became used to being ignored, to being moved away from and given the silent treatment. But there was one thing she was having trouble becoming accustomed to—the beatings. A few of the boys in her class decided it would be fun to harm her because she couldn’t do anything about it. It started out mild; a paper ball thrown at her here, a book knocked off her desk there. Those were things she could deal with. And then they began getting rougher, pushing and shoving and tripping her in the halls. That escalated into downright assaulting her whenever they caught her alone, and the fact that she healed instantly only served to fascinate them more.

One day, one of them decided to put her ghoul nature to the test, bringing a knife with them to school. “Let’s see if what they really say is true,” he said as he smirked and attempted to slash her in the side of her abdomen. The knife broke and her shirt ripped from the cut, but no damage was done to her body. They were both astonished and delighted at the same time.

Even though the physical injuries healed, she wasn’t sure how much more she could take. There had to be a better way for ghouls to integrate into society, there _had_ to be.

If only the humans could see that they weren’t all monsters.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again, sorry for the wait! this chapter was almost going to be posted next week, but I finally got some time to edit it and write some more, so I was able to get it out today. thank you guys so much for your patience, and as always, thanks for reading!


	12. sunflowers don't wilt in shade

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not sure how I feel about this one, but I’m too tired to go back and edit more sigh
> 
> sorry for the wait!

The Identification Law was passed in record time, going through the National Diet quickly and easily with little opposition. The government wasted no time in creating the symbols that would openly reveal their identities as ghouls to each and every person who saw them. Kaneki received his in the few weeks of peace that followed after the law went through. The minute he saw it, he knew it would only bring trouble.

It was ironically pleasing to the eye, considering it _was_ eye—specifically a ghoul’s. It was a simplified version of a kakugan, consisting of a black circle roughly five or six centimeters in diameter with a smaller red circle centered within it. An official letter signed by both the Speaker of the Representatives and the Speaker of the Councillors came with it, stating that if a ghoul didn’t wear his or her “identification badge,” as they called it, for any reason whatsoever, they would be imprisoned in the Ghoul Detention Center. No questions asked.

The badge was to be pinned on the outermost layer of clothing, where it would be visible to everyone. It couldn’t be hidden under any form of jacket, hood, coat, etc. If lost, another badge could be ordered, but at the price of 12500 yen. Ghouls without a badge were legally bound to their homes until they received another to prevent any arrests.

There were a couple other rules that went with it, along with a new ID card to replace the old one. Kaneki had been forced to cut his shift at :re short one day to go take his picture because they gave him a time slot without bothering to remember ghouls actually had jobs too. He wasn’t smiling in the photo, instead staring lifelessly at the camera. Maybe he should have smiled. Maybe that would make him seem more human when he was forced to show it before every purchase he made or every establishment he entered.

It looked no different from the standard ID card except for the red spider lilies blooming at the bottom of it and, of course, the black and red circle in the top right corner. Well, if they were going to be segregated against, they might as well have some fancy cards. Because that made everything so much better.

And to make matters ever better, Hide, unfortunately was having trouble coming up with a solution to fix Hinami’s problem, which was much more serious than she let on. Kaneki said nothing when she showed up to :re one day missing a chunk of hair in the back of her head. “Oh, I accidentally got a wad of gum stuck in my hair,” she explained, chuckling quietly. Ultimately, she couldn’t get it out and resulted to cutting it. The funny thing was, she knew he had figured it out by then, but she kept up the façade that everything was okay.

Sadly, it reminded him of himself.

He wondered if others could see through him every time he put on an act. He thought he was a good enough actor to pull it off, but now he was having second thoughts. Had he been transparent all this time? Was that how Hide was able to figure out things about him so well? He couldn’t be _that_ see-through; he knew he had fooled many. Hide was just too perceptive for his own good—and Kaneki’s, for that matter.

But would he be able to realize who Kaneki actually was? Would he somehow connect the dots like he always did and force Kaneki into a corner so that he’d have to talk? No, that wasn’t how Hide worked. Hide waited until Kaneki was ready to tell him something, never forcing or pressuring him to do anything. He was always conscientious to stay within Kaneki’s comfort zone, which Kaneki couldn’t even to begin to explain how much he appreciated. There was nothing more he disliked than being pressured, especially when it came to conversation topics he was uncomfortable with in the first place.

There were just some things he wasn’t ready to talk about. He hadn’t even told Touka, who knew everything he’d been through, the details of his ten-day torture, and he probably never would. Even after two years, it was just too painful to think about, and she wasn’t the right person to talk to concerning it. He could still feel his fingers and toes being twisted and plied off, still feel the rawness of his throat from his screams, still feel that _thing_ crawling and tunneling through his head and still hear his cries still hear his laughter still—

Kaneki gasped and sat upright in his bed, chest heaving. His hands flew up to cover his ears, blocking out all sounds except for his ragged and uneven breathing. Slowly, it began to steady, and he carefully removed his hands before letting them drop beside him. He looked to the spot where Hide was normally sleeping, but he wasn’t there. There apparently was a big test the next morning, which he’d spent the entire day (and night, probably) studying, leaving Kaneki’s bed strangely empty. He had become accustom to having to share his small sleeping space, so it felt odd to have the whole thing to himself on nights like these.

He didn’t like it.

If he told Hide, would this hollowness go away? Kaneki couldn’t help but feel as if he were still hiding a part of himself from him. Hide of all people deserved to know. They’d come this far, they might as well get everything out in the open. Though Kaneki had a feeling he’d have more to get out.

And who knew, maybe talking about it would actually help him. That’s what people normally did after going through a traumatic event, but he knew he was far beyond any councilor’s help; all he had now was Hide.

Hinami’s problem came first, though. After that, he would tell Hide everything.

(He hoped).

 

* * *

 

“I need to see your ID.”

Reluctantly, Kaneki pulled out his wallet and showed the hostess his card. She nodded wordlessly and showed him and Hide to their table before quickly returning to her post. He could tell she was confused as to why a ghoul would come to a restaurant, specifically the one she worked at. That didn’t matter, though. He was just thankful they hadn’t turned him away, like the one they tried before had.

“Well, this just complicates things even more,” Hide sighed. “How the hell is this helping to ‘bridge the islands?’ I’m going to ask Akira-san about this the next time I see her.”

Kaneki looked down at the badge pinned onto his hoodie. It was a shade lighter than the fabric, allowing the black circle to be seen against it. He sighed. It had been a big moment when he told Hide he was a ghoul—well, that’s not exactly how it went, but that was beside the point—and now his “condition” was on display for everyone to see, and it unsettled him more than he would admit. Sure, being turned away from restaurants and stores was pretty embarrassing, but he could deal with that. It was the fact that an impression of him had already been made on someone as soon as they spotted that stupid circle pinned to his clothing.

And, to make matters worse, he was this close to getting an eviction notice.

The landlord, coincidentally a day after seeing his badge, told Kaneki via phone call that he was going to clear out some apartment and to not be surprised if one of the “randomly selected” ones was his. When asked what he was clearing them out for, the landlord mumbled a reply before hanging up. So now, not only was he being denied entry to certain restaurants and stores, but he was going to be denied a place to live. It wasn’t like he couldn’t survive on the streets, but anyone would prefer to sleep in a warm bed at night, certain no one would attack them in their sleep.

He hadn’t told Hide yet, though. He was waiting until he could compile all his thoughts into a cohesive order.

…It seemed there was a lot he wasn’t telling Hide these days.

“Kaneki? Is something wrong?”

“No, I’m alright,” Kaneki answered, putting on a smile.

Hide looked at him for a moment before sighing. “You know I can see through you, right? There’s something bothering you beyond the new badge thing.”

“…I just have a lot on my mind, is all. And I’m worried about Hinami.”

The waitress came by and took their drink orders. They both ordered water, and she bowed and left. Hide leaned back in his chair once she was gone. “I’ve been looking into some possibilities that could help, and I think I’ve finally come up with one.” He lowered his voice. “Have you heard of the ghoul school?”

Kaneki gave him a puzzled look. “A school made up entirely of ghouls?”

“Well, not entirely—yet. According to the report, there’s still a good number of human students left, but they’ll probably pack up sooner or later. Apparently, there was a large amount of ghouls attending the school, but only the principal knew about it, nobody else. When the Identification Law passed, all of them showed up with their badges and a bunch of the students and teachers got scared and left. Then, other ghoul students transferred to it when they heard there was a higher ghoul to human ratio. I think the ratio’s about sixty-five to thirty-five at the moment. If we could get Hinami into that school, she would be among other people who understand her, right? It’s in the thirteenth ward, though, so that could pose some issues.”

Kaneki thought about his response. A ghoul school; something like this had both pros and cons.

Pro: Hinami would be with other ghouls. Con: Hinami would be with other ghouls. While they could sympathize with her and what she’d been through, there was no telling what they’d be like. Even young ghouls were sometimes unstable and distorted. Another con: the school being in the thirteenth ward meant it was far more dangerous than any other. The thirteenth ward was still the happening site of murders and ghoul gangs, so who knew what could happen there. Plus, it would take Hinami a lot of extra time to get there and back in the mornings and evenings, and not to mention the money needed to pay for the transportation.

But then there was the big one—Hinami wouldn’t be abused on a daily basis anymore if she went there. Did that outweigh all the major risks?

That was something they would have to decide on.

Kaneki voiced these thoughts to Hide, who agreed with him on each. “Hmm…I guess we’ll have to think about it then,” he said. “And we’d also have to ask Hinami if she’d be willing to move schools.”

Kaneki had a feeling it would take a little convincing if they decided that was the best way to go. In this situation, they had to play the role of parents. Even though she was sixteen and had been through more than any normal child, Hinami still needed the guidance of an adult sometimes. Kaneki and Touka were the substitutes for her actual parents, and it looked like Hide was now the uncle. But that was slightly strange to think about, so he moved on from the analogy.  

All he wanted was the best for her. All he wanted was for her to _not_ to go through the same experiences he had—both in school and out. During his junior high and high school years, he’d been bullied. He’d refused to admit it to himself as it was occurring, but now he was willing to face the cold hard facts. And yes, it still stung a little bit to remember how much of an outcast he was. How different he was and always would be from the rest.

While they laughed and conversed, he sat in the back of the classroom, quietly reading. While they ate with each other during lunch, he left the classroom to find the most secluded and quiet place in the school just to get a little peace. Occasionally, he would gain two or three followers from his class to said place. Looking back on it, it seemed so silly—he literally set himself up to be attacked.

And then he remembered—he’d done it on purpose.  

He’d convinced himself letting his classmates verbally and, on rare occasions, physically abuse him was helping them. Knowing they only hurt him to make themselves feel better, he accepted the pain. He would have done anything to help someone, even at the cost of his own well-being.

Foolish. That was what he had been.

Kaneki couldn’t be that anymore. He’d lost that part of himself, the foolish but kind part, after the torture, when he gave into his ghoul side. It had taken a very long time for him to adjust and finally be able to control his blatant insanity—yes, he had acknowledged this as well—and he didn’t want Hinami to have to face losing a part of herself as well. The change that took place within him made him feel sad. Even though he’d been naïve and innocent back then, he would much rather be that than what he’d become.

 _No,_ who _you’ve become_ , he corrected in his mind. Hide had reminded him of that enough for it to finally stick in his head. The smallest of smiles graced his lips. Slowly but surely, he was getting better, and that was more than he could ever ask for.

Except for the fact he was still keeping things from Hide.

“Here you go, enjoy!” the waitress said cheerily as she placed Hide’s meal before him. Hide smiled at her and said his thanks. She turned to Kaneki. “Are you sure I can’t get anything for y…”

Kaneki followed her eyes, though it wasn’t hard to guess what she was looking at. He supposed she hadn’t noticed it until then, which was slightly surprising. “I’m okay, thank you,” he said. She nodded quickly and left in a hurry. It was hard to tell if she were embarrassed or scared. Perhaps a little of both.

Hide began to dig in. Watching him eat sent a pang of hunger through Kaneki’s system. Burgers had been his favorite back when he could properly digest them, and a burger was what Hide was currently devouring. This one looked especially good, too. He tried desperately to recall the taste—it was right there on the tip of his tongue, but he couldn’t find that magnificent flavor.

Halfway through his meal, Hide looked up and sent him a questioning look. “You okay, man? Your face is all scrunched up.”

Kaneki blinked. “Oh. I was just trying to remember what a burger tasted like.”

Hide smiled apologetically. “I guess it’s been a while, huh? Sorry, I should have remembered burgers were your favorite.”

“It’s fine, really,” Kaneki replied, trying for a reassuring smile. Something tugged at his chest. Why was it becoming so increasingly painful to hold the truth in? It hadn’t been for the majority of the time he’d known Hide, so what was so different now? Even simple things like this reminded him of the fact that he was withholding parts of himself from the person who he knew accepted all of him. He wanted to spill everything. He was so tired of clutching the past as if it were a secret only he could know—it only tormented him more that way.

He needed Hide to know.

_I’m sorry, Hinami, but I have to think of myself now, too. I hope you understand._

“Hide, can we talk sometime soon? There’s…some things I need to tell you about.”

Hide, who was taking the final bite of his burger, looked up and saw his slightly pained expression. Nodding, he swallowed. Then he gave Kaneki a gentle look. “Of course,” he said. “You can tell me anything.”

“I know I can, Hide.”

 

* * *

 

“Hmm…”

“Yoriko, there’re literally only three bouquets to choose from—and they’re all the same.”

“No, they’re not! Don’t you see? This one has more orange than the other ones. But this one’s yellow is brighter. And this one’s kind of in the middle. I can’t decide which one is better. This is so hard,” Yoriko groaned, her head falling in defeat.

Touka rolled her eyes but was unable to keep from chuckling to herself. “How about this—hold all three up. I’ll close my eyes and point to one, and that’ll be the one we get. Does that work?”

“Mm…okay!”

Touka closed her eyes as Yoriko gathered the three bouquets of sunflowers in her arms. Spinning a few times (and silently praying no one else in the flower shop was watching as she did), she stopped and pointed slightly to her right. “Well, which one did I pick?”

She heard a giggle. “You’re facing the wrong way, Touka.”

Eyes still shut, she slowly and deliberately turned around. “How about now?”

“Orangish ones it is, then!”

Along with the sunflowers, they bought a red vase Kaneki would be able to put them in. Touka would give them to him tomorrow at work—that is if they didn’t die in the single night she would possess them. Flowers tended to do that on her for some reason.

She wondered how things were going with Kaneki and Hide. Still well, hopefully. Though she was still slightly worried she had said a little too much that day Hide visited :re. Oh, well. He didn’t appear to be too intuitive, so there was really nothing to fear. Sure, he knew his way around the web and was able to find a picture of the old Kaneki and compare it to the new one (not really new by now, but that was beside the point), but that was probably luck.

At least that’s what she kept telling herself in order to remain calm.

If Hide found out who Kaneki really was…no, she didn’t even want to think about it. There was the possibility of him being completely okay with dating the SS-rated ghoul Centipede, but then again, there was also the higher possibility of him being the exact opposite. Would Kaneki ever dare to tell him? For his sake, she hoped not. While she was doubtful Hide would sick the CCG on him, it could create a rift in their relationship, and that didn’t need to happen. Kaneki had been doing so well lately; nothing was worth jeopardizing that. She made a mental note to approach him about the topic tomorrow.

Sighing, she stared at the sunflowers on the table before her. How could someone so bright and seemingly harmless be liable to cause so much damage? She would have to think about that for a while.

_You better not get yourself hurt again, Kaneki._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so I hope Kaneki is kind of changing for the better?? it’s a bit hard to characterize new changes within him, but I feel like him finally thinking of himself now as well as other people is a pretty good thing bc we all know our bby needs to love himself
> 
> thanks for reading!


	13. home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeahh sorry guys...there's nothing I can really say to make up for the lack of updates. unfortunately this probably won't make up for it but here's a new chapter at least

Looking over her shoulder to make sure no one was following her, Hinami ducked into the girl’s restroom. It was lunchtime. All of her classmates were in the room eating together, but she, of course, had nothing to eat. And no friends, she might add. Not anymore.

She stopped in front of the mirror, her fingers finding their way to the badge pinned to her uniform. Feeling the fabric, she tried to figure out how some dyed threads were enough to set her apart from everyone else. She hated this. She hated this whole thing. Hate—she had never used that word to describe any emotion within her before, but she knew it was being used appropriately at that moment.

She really had to think about something else for a change; all these negative feelings were enough to make her cry already, and it was only the beginning of yet another long week. Allowing her mind to wander, she turned her thoughts to Kaneki. Was he doing okay? Was he still happy? Touka said he’d improved a lot, which was a relief. She worried often about her big brother, which left her wondering if he worried about her as often as she did for him. He probably did. Her excuses of why something was wrong weren’t that good to begin with, and they had only gotten worse. There was no doubt he’d figured out the truth.

There were the sound of footsteps down the hall outside the bathroom. Without hesitating, Hinami retreated into a stall, closing and locking it as quietly as she could. The footsteps came closer, closer. What was peculiar, though, was there was only one pair instead of the usual three or four. Was only one being sent to torment her today? Or were the others lying in wait somewhere else?

Focusing her hearing, she listened for others. It was slightly hard with so many clusters of people packed into rooms around her, but, with time and effort, she had learned to distinguish between sounds. No one else was around. This was almost more worrying than having them all confront her at once; at least she knew what was coming then. But if her ears had missed something, she could be in for trouble.

The person entered the restroom. Hinami quickly lifted her legs so they couldn’t be seen from below the stall. She waited one moment, two. And then something even stranger happened—the person began crying.

Thankfully, the quiet sniffs and choked sobs didn’t belong to one of her tormentors, as it was undoubtedly a girl. Hinami bit her lip. Should she see what was wrong? No, she would probably only make it worse. Nobody wanted to be comforted by a ghoul.

Something in her chest tightened at that. She couldn’t help but think back to the time Touka rescued her from an investigator under the bridge, her words from then playing in her mind.

“ _Is it wrong for ghouls to live?_ ”

Maybe it was, maybe it wasn’t. Hinami had learned that some things didn’t have a definite answer. Even if it weren’t right for her to be alive, she was here, and she had to do her best to survive. And right now, survival meant trying her best to bridge the gap between humans and ghouls. So, for the sake of all her kind, she would take the risk of confronting whoever it was outside the safety of the stall.

Standing, Hinami unlocked the door and stepped out. The girl immediately jumped and covered her face, trying to stifle her sobs. “Are you okay?” Hinami asked gently. She wanted so badly to cover her badge with something, but she had nothing to do so with. Thankfully, the girl didn’t seem to want to look at her, so it was alright for the moment. “Are you okay?” she repeated.

Then, the girl did look up. The first thing Hinami noticed about her was the delicateness of her features. Her round face, big eyes, and small nose all served to make her seem her more petite than she actually was, which was saying something. She was at least fifteen or so centimeters smaller than Hinami.

And then she noticed the most important thing. Pinned to her white collared shirt was something all too familiar—an identification badge.

She was a ghoul.

“You’re…a ghoul too?” Hinami asked.

The girl’s eyes widened as they settled on Hinami’s own badge. Wiping at her nose, she managed a shaky smile through her tears. “I thought I was the only one,” she whispered, voice barely audible.

Hinami couldn’t believe it. She had never even thought of the possibility of other ghouls at the school. Too absorbed in her own problems and troubles—that was what she had been. Knowing someone else was in the same boat was a bigger relief than she cared to admit, though. She didn’t want others to suffer like she did, she really didn’t. But it was hard. It was hard being the only one who was targeted and hurt. It was hard being the only one who was inconvenienced and ignored. It was hard. It was so, so hard.

And now, she had found someone else who was going through the exact same thing. She didn’t have to be alone anymore, and neither did this girl.

“Did they hurt you?” she asked softly. The girl hesitated before nodding, sniffling. “I’m so sorry. I wish I could say something to help, but I know nothing does.”

The girl nodded again. “You’re right; nothing helps. This is horrible, and I hate this. I want to die.” Then, realizing what she said, she immediately shook her head. “No, I don’t want to die. I just want it to stop.”

Hinami smiled gently. “I understand. I feel like that too, sometimes.”

“…Will you tell me your name?”

“I’m Fueguchi Hinami. What’s yours?”

“It’s Sato Kiyoko. Do you think…do you think we could be friends? And help each other?”

For some reason, it felt like a weight had been lifted off Hinami’s heart. It was the first time in a while she felt slightly hopeful that things could improve. Maybe with Sato, she wouldn’t have to face everything alone. Even though she was sure Kaneki knew and understood her situation, it just wasn’t the same as having someone who was experiencing it as well.

Along with the newfound spark of hope inside her, Hinami’s smile grew. “I would like that a lot.”

 

* * *

 

“Oh, Akiyama, you’re here early.”

“I had an appointment that finished a little sooner than I thought it would, so I decided to head over instead of going home for five minutes just to leave again. I’m relieving you, right? I can go ahead and take over, if you want.”

“Really? Actually, that would be great. You’re my savior, Akiyama.”

“I know.”

Five minutes later, Hide was outside and making his way home. It had been a long day at work—too many orders, too many complaining customers, and too little time to get it all done. Well, at least it was over now. The remaining customers of the day would be his fellow coworkers’ problems.

His phone vibrated in his pocket. Pulling it out, Hide smiled upon seeing who the message was from. It was Kaneki.

_Can you come over?_

Slowly, that smile was replaced with a sinking feeling in his stomach. So this was it, huh? Kaneki was going to come clean. He didn’t know how he knew, but he did. And while he’d expected this to come in the near future, he was honestly scared. What if he didn’t say the right thing? What if he upset Kaneki in some way—or worse, Kaneki upset himself? Well, there was no use in dwelling on the negative outcomes. He just needed to move forward.

 _Yeah, I can_ , he typed back, not using his usual text dialect. _Do you want me to come right now?_

The response was instantaneous.

_I’ll be right there._

 

* * *

 

Kaneki was beginning to wonder how many times he could crack his fingers. How many times had it been now on each one? He didn’t even know. Far too many, probably, but he couldn’t help it. Right now, all he could do was lie in wait for Hide to arrive, trying desperately to push as much of his anxiety down as he could. This was crazy. This was insane. He couldn’t possiblytell Hide all of the things that had happened to him. He couldn’t even _think_ about them without having a mental breakdown, so how the hell was he supposed to say them out loud?

This was not going to be pretty. This was not going to pretty at all. That much, he knew. He couldn’t predict Hide’s actions, nor could he predict his own. All he could foresee was that it was definitely going to be a little more than just rough around the edges.

In fact, it was going to be a disaster.

“Six hundred forty-three, six hundred thirty-six…”

He got down all the way to three hundred fifteen when there was a knock at the door. Taking a shaky breath, he set aside Takatsuki Sen’s new novel, which he had been fiddling with as he waited. He still hadn’t gotten a chance to read it; he was just too preoccupied with the storm of thoughts raging in his mind. There were too many things to worry about and too many problems to sort—one of which he hoped was about to be resolved.

He took his time answering the door, trying to make it seem like he hadn’t been glued to the same spot for two hours trying to make up his mind about whether or not he should call Hide over. But Hide knew him, so he probably also knew that was how he’d spent a good portion of his day.

When he opened it, there he stood; the personification of sunshine and goodness itself. Hide, his closest friend. Hide, who he could tell anything to and not be judged. Hide, who stood by his side, refusing to leave even when he was in danger.

Hide, whom he loved.

And who loved him, too.

Before he could restrain himself, Kaneki embraced his friend, his comfort. Hide didn’t hesitate to hug him back, pulling them closer together. “I’m here, Kaneki,” he mumbled into Kaneki’s ear.

Kaneki nodded, taking in another trembling breath before pulling back. “I know you are, Hide.”

_And I’m so grateful for that._

Hide allowed himself to be led in. He sat down on sofa next to Kaneki, leaving a little space in between them. Silence filled the room. The only sound was Kaneki’s elevated breathing. He couldn’t seem to catch his breath for some reason, as if he’d just run a long way.

Hide rested a gentle hand on his shoulder. “It’s okay, you don’t have to tell me whatever it is if you’re not re—“

“No, no,” Kaneki interrupted, shaking his head. “I have to tell you. I can’t hold it in anymore, Hide, I can’t. No matter what, I have to tell you. I just…I just have to sort everything out in my head. I…I…”

And then he was hyperventilating, and he couldn’t breathe he couldn’t _breathe_ why couldn’t he breathe? Why did this have to be so hard? _Why_?

Hide was by his side in less than a second. “Kaneki, are you okay? Shit, just take in slow deep breaths. Slower, slower…yeah, that’s better. Just keep doing that, alright? Breathe through your nose, too. I think that’s supposed to help.” He rubbed Kaneki’s back as he continued to calm him down. Finally, after another few minutes, his breathing steadied. “Do you think you’re okay?”

Kaneki gulped, worried that episode would be the first of many much, much worse ones. “I’m okay,” he managed. “I’m okay.”

_I’m not okay._

Hide sat back some, visibly more relaxed now that the hyperventilation had ceased. “…Are you sure you want to do this?” he questioned. “I mean, it’s not that I don’t want to hear what you have to tell me or anything, but you shouldn’t force yourself. We have all the time in the world, Kaneki. It doesn’t have to be today.”

Kaneki bit his lip. He had come so far, could he really give up now?

“…Okay. I’ll…tell you some other time, then.”

Apparently, yes.

While on the outside he forced a smile, inside was another story. Frustration coursed through his veins, causing anger to well up inside of him. Once again, he found himself asking questions he’d repeated many times over: Why was he like this? Why did this have to happen? He hadn’t even gotten a chance to start the talk before he hyperventilated and gave up. It was all so stupid.

He was so stupid.

“…Actually, Hide, I need to tell you now.”

No, he couldn’t be a slave to his problems and feelings anymore. He couldn’t simply give up just because of one little thing. Sure, it was going to be painful, and sure, he was probably going to have a breakdown, but he didn’t care. He didn’t care. He had to do this. By overcoming his fear of telling someone, of drudging up the past, he was shattering the boundaries he’d unintentionally set for himself so long ago—boundaries that were in need of a good shattering.

Hide gave him an inquisitive look as he mentally psyched himself up. “Kaneki…?”

“Fuck it,” Kaneki said out loud. With newfound confidence, he turned and faced Hide. “Hide, I’m going to tell you everything about me, and I mean everything. I can’t hold back anything from you anymore, it’s too hard. I want you to know. I _need_ you to know. I’m tired of feeling as if I’m suffocating on my own sorrows all the time. That’s why I have to do this now, so please bear with me, okay?”

Hide slowly broke into a smile. “Take all the time you need.”

And he did. Oh, did he take his sweet time. It was probably more than twenty minutes later when he finally began to recant his life. He started from the very beginning, slowly progressing through his bleak and miserable years. He told of his mother and how hard she worked, of his aunt and her insatiable greed, of himself and how pathetic he felt trapped in a cycle of never-ending sadness. He told of the loneliness he felt and his misconception of his mother’s neglect for him as kindness towards others. He told of the kids who bullied him and his refusal to retaliate, and he told of the long hours spent in his room in a desperate attempt to make his aunt forget of his existence because it sometimes felt as if everyone would be better off if he simply disappeared.

The sadness. The pain. The desperation to find meaning in his life. It all came flooding back to him, but he didn’t stop. He poured his emotions into his words, bringing them to life and giving them meaning, purpose. A headache began to form as he inched closer to the more traumatic events in his life. He delved into his date with Rize, describing how excited he had been because it was the first date he’d ever been on. And what happened after, of course, turned his world upside down. He was flung into a hidden underground world—the world of ghouls.

Nishiki. Tsukiyama. The CCG. Aogiri. He began to describe each and every attack on both him and his friends at Anteiku. Anteiku. His chest constricted at the name of the old shop; it was the name he’d tried his best to forget. All that remained of Anteiku were memories that were once filled with joy and happiness. Now, all they brought was anguish.

He moved quickly from that topic before quickly realizing the next was even more painful.

His torture.

Kaneki stopped talking, his mouth dry from speaking for so long. “…I think I need some water,” he croaked, a little winded. Hide, who had been listening very intently, nodded and got up to get him some. In the back of his mind, Kaneki heard the faucet turn on and water filling a cup. Yes, that was what he needed to be like. His words needed to be like the water spewing from the faucet, cascading from his mouth without hesitation, without a second thought. He couldn’t allow himself to think about what he was about to discuss or he wouldn’t be able to do it—he knew he wouldn’t.

“Thank you,” he said when Hide handed him the glass and sat back down. The water felt especially refreshing as it went down his parched throat. After another minute, he was ready to begin again. “Hide, this part…I don’t know if I’ll be able to talk about it well,” he admitted.

Hide smiled reassuringly. “That’s fine. Just say what you can and make sure you don’t push yourself too far. Okay?”

 Kaneki nodded. “Okay.” Then, he took a deep breath and began. “After we tried to escape from the hideout, we were caught. Yamori—or Jason, as the CCG knows him—said he would release all of the others if I came back, so I did. He took me to his…his torture chamber. The first thing I saw in there was another person chained to a chair, but…it didn’t even resemble a person anymore. It was a rotted, mangled corpse. Everything about that place was horrible. Everything…”

One shaky breath in, one out. In, out, in, out. _Calm down, calm down_ , he told himself. _Let it pass. You can get through this. You can do it._

He swallowed before continuing. “…I couldn’t help but wonder if I would end up like that, too. And I…”

 _And I almost wish I had_.

Kaneki shook his head, trying to clear his mind of those types of thoughts. It was already becoming increasingly difficult, and he hadn’t even gotten to the part he dreaded most. He took another deep breath. “The first thing Yamori did to me was make me more ‘human.’ He stabbed me in the corner of my eye with a needle that delivered RC suppressants into my body. All I can remember is that it felt like lava coursing through my veins. And then it began. He had tools. He had so, so many tools. The pliers, they tore off my fingers and my toes…my fingers, and my…t-toes…”

“Kaneki,” Hide said softly. “You don’t have t—“

“I can do this,” he breathed. “I can do this.”

And he did. He fucking did it because that was what he’d promised he would do. By the end of his recollection of his torture, his descent into madness, his attempt to rediscover and redeem himself, and his ultimate failure that resulted in the demise of the one place he could call home, Hide was speechless. Kaneki was, too. His throat was sore, his limbs shaky. His breathing was irregular and uneven as well, but he had done it. It felt as if a weight had finally been lifted from his shoulders, and a giant one at that.

Once he had regained his bearings, Kaneki managed to speak again. “Thank you for listening, Hide,” he said. Then, he paused, frowning slightly. “…But are you really sure you’re completely alright with who I am? I…I wouldn’t blame you if you weren’t. I mean—“

Hide cut him off with a peck on the lips. “Kaneki, you already know I am. And hey, who wouldn’t want to date the incredibly strong and powerful once-SS-rated ghoul Centipede? That’s an accomplishment in my book if you ask me.”

And there it was—that toothy grin that seemed to make everything okay. Kaneki sighed, unable to keep from smiling. “Dork,” he mumbled, bringing Hide closer and burying his face in his shirt. He inhaled the scent he had come to love just as much as the person who carried it. It brought comfort, reassurance. It let him know everything was going to be okay.

Because as long as he had Hide, he was home.

And home was where the demons couldn’t follow.  


	14. we know hell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally a new chapter!! it's almost done guys, so if you can hold out a little longer, it'll be worth it haha

_Eviction Notice:_

_We regret to inform you that your contract has been terminated. In light of recent complaints and concerns, it is our wish that you would vacate the premises within one week of Monday. Payments already made, including advanced payments, cannot and will not be refunded. Failure to comply with this notice will result in civil punishment. We are sorry for this inconvenience._

Kaneki sighed as he removed the taped paper from his apartment door before unlocking it and going inside. As predicted, he was being kicked out. Honestly, he was surprised it had taken this long for someone to get around to removing him. Somebody must have been a slacker when it came to paperwork, it seemed.

And so the question arose, where was he going to stay? No doubt it was going to be unnecessarily difficult to find a place. There was another problem, too. His apartment needed to be near :re or else he would be spending much-needed cash on transportation. The cost of rent would also be elevated specially for him.

Another sigh escaped his lips. It was times like these he wanted to simply disappear for a time, to run away from his problems. But there wouldn’t be any of that this time around. No, he had set himself on a new path, and he was going to adhere to it.

Without wasting a second, Kaneki grabbed his laptop off the kitchen counter, opened it, and began the search for nearby apartments. The _broaden search_ button was clicked too quickly for his liking. He found himself clicking it again, then again, then again. Finally, something within his price range came into view, but then—

“No ghouls,” Kaneki muttered, reading the description of the complex. Unfortunately, that statement was making a frequent appearance on other descriptions as well.

 _Calm down_ , he told himself as he felt his breathing begin to quicken. _I’ll find one. It doesn’t have to be today or even tomorrow, but I’ll find one. I should ask Hide on what he thinks I should do._

And they still had to solve the Hinami problem, which he seriously hoped hadn’t gotten worse in the few days he couldn’t devote his full attention to it. With one problem down, he could now focus on the next. And this one couldn’t be put off any longer.

 

* * *

 

“You…told him?”

“Yeah. It went a lot better than I expected, honestly. I feel a lot better, too.”

“…Oh. Well, on the one day you decided to call in asking for a shift cover—you owe Nishiki one, by the way—I was actually going to give you something. And tell you not to tell him about the whole Centipede thing, but I guess I’m a little late on that. Anyways, here.”

Touka thrust a vase filled with sunflowers into Kaneki’s arms, to which Kaneki replied with a puzzled look. “It’s a celebration of your happiness, idiot,” she explained, looking away in slight nervousness. “Yoriko and I thought it’d be nice to get you something, so we settled on this.”

Kaneki smiled. “Thank you, Touka. That’s very thoughtful. Tell Yoriko thank you, too.”

“Yeah, okay,” she mumbled before making a quick escape to the upstairs to avoid her embarrassment being seen. He chuckled quietly. She was so… _Touka-ish._ There was no other way to describe it, really. But he was thankful for whatever qualities that made her how she was; she frequently set him straight. And deep down inside—as much as she denied it—she truly was a kind person.

As his thoughts trailed to something they had been discussing together recently, his smile slowly fell. Touka was completely onboard for moving Hinami to the infamous ghoul school in the thirteenth ward. In the few days he’d known about it, he’d kept a close eye on the news and the web for any information pertaining to it. Hide had been correct about the ratio of ghouls to humans. Currently, it was sixty-nine percent to thirty-one percent, and the gap was predicted to grow even further until the population was only two percent human.

Kaneki wondered which brave humans would dare to remain in a thriving sea of ghouls. It would truly be a test of courage. He couldn’t help but hope those who remained felt as he sometimes did—isolated, alone, and dwarfed in comparison to those around them. Except this time, it wouldn’t be the ghouls who were out of place. It would be the humans.

He knew it was wrong to wish negativity on another, but after everything he’d been put through so far as a ghoul, he felt he’d earned the right to spite humans just a tad bit.

And to think he’d been one of them at one point.

Looking back on his past before everything turned to ruins was like observing someone else’s life. He knew everything that had ever happened and how he’d felt at any given point in time, yet there was a disconnection between his former-self and his current one that was indescribable. It just wasn’t him anymore. They were his memories and feelings, but they weren’t _his._ They felt foreign, out of place.

Kaneki had long accepted he would never return to how he once was, and he had grown to be okay with it. Change was okay. Even under bad circumstances, it was okay. It happened and he couldn’t have done anything to prevent it, so it was okay. But he did sometimes feel nostalgic for his old human weakness. Life had been so much simpler back then.  

Setting the vase on the nearby counter, he opted to turn his thoughts away from what had been. It was better to focus on the present, and right now, the present was preparing to serve the morning rush.

Just as he finished wiping down the tables and counter, the bell rung. Turning around, he began, “Oh, I’m sorry, we’re not open y—“

Kaneki stopped midsentence upon seeing who it was before a smile made its way onto his lips. “It’s good to see you, Nishio.”

Nishio rolled his eyes, albeit smiling a little as well. “Yeah,” was all he said. Closing the door behind him, he moseyed over to where Kaneki was standing next to the counter. “So, I heard you got a boyfriend.”

Kaneki flushed slightly. “He’s really more than that,” he replied quietly.

“Oh, yeah? Well…” Nishio paused, trying to find the right words to say (for once in his life). Then, he sighed and scratched the back of his head. “I’m happy for you, and I hope it works out. Just be careful, alright?”

“Thank you, Nishio,” Kaneki said. Nishio gave a small nod before rounding the counter and heading upstairs. Kaneki began counting the seconds until a fight broke out. And soon enough—

“Oi, shitty Touka, move your ass, I need to change.”

“What the hell, Nishiki? Get your hands off my stuff!”

“Not until you move. This is where I change.”

“Who died and made you king? Go change in hell, where you belong.”

Fifteen seconds. _Well, at least it’s an improvement_ , he spoke in his mind. The last time Nishio had come around, it only took seven seconds for him to pick a fight with Touka or vice versa. Thankfully, they were a bit better on the job. After all, customers didn’t come to see their squabbles.

As the customers flowed in once they were open, Kaneki found himself settling back into routine. Introduce himself politely, take the order, make it, and deliver it to the table with a pleasant smile. His interactions with people had, thankfully, become more natural over the span of time he’d worked in the two shops. His stutter had disappeared, and he wasn’t afraid to make eye-contact with the customers anymore. To him, it was a great improvement.

It was the little things that counted, Kaneki learned. Life wasn’t made of dazzling and spectacular accomplishments—those were scarce. Instead, life was a series of small achievements, such as improving your people skills or learning how to make a near-perfect cup of coffee. If people, when reminiscing on their time, were to only look at the big picture and not go into depth of how they grew as a person, they would be sadly disappointed. It was necessary to look at the small, seemingly insignificant things, too.

He tried to keep that thought in mind often when evaluating himself, which was something he did more often than he’d like to admit. But it was a necessary step, though, to achieving his long-term goal of finding and making peace with himself, and that made it worth it.

The hours passed quickly. Hide dropped in during the lunch hour for a visit, during which something somewhat unexpected occurred.

“Nagachika? What are you doing here?” Nishio questioned him as he stepped into the shop.

“Huh? Nishio-senpai? Wow, it’s been ages, man!” Hide exclaimed, enthusiastically capering over to where Kaneki and Nishio were stationed behind the counter. “I didn’t know you worked here with Kaneki. How’ve you been?”

Nishio huffed and crossed his arms. “I’m fine,” he grumbled. Then, he turned to Kaneki. “And just how did you come to associate yourself with this radiant sack of horse shit?”

Kaneki cleared his throat awkwardly. “Actually, Hide’s my boyfriend.”

Silence.

“…Well, shit,” Nishio said. “Just when I thought I’d rid myself of you for good, Nagachika, you ungracefully waltz back into my life. I didn’t even know you swung that way. Honestly, I should have expected it, though. You never could seem to get enough of me back in uni.”

“Aw, don’t be a baby, Nishio-senpai. I know how much you want this bod, but please, control yourself. And to be honest, _I_ didn’t even know I swung that way until I met Kaneki. Well, I had my speculations, but making out with a guy kinda confirmed it.”

“H-Hide!”

Hide laughed and gave Kaneki a quick kiss on the cheek. “Sorry, sorry,” he said. “If you don’t have any other orders to make, could I get an espresso?”

Still slightly flustered, Kaneki nodded. “Yeah, of course.”

Nishio and Hide continued their banter as he got to work on the drink, making sure to add extra milk, cream, and sugar when he was finished. He wondered how sweet it tasted like that. It was similar to how he used to get his, which had been pretty much creamer with a hint of coffee. How was something like that even drinkable? The only taste of coffee he could imagine now was strong and bitter, which was how he preferred it. Not by choice, of course, but still.

Once he was finished, he handed the drink off to Hide, who had been waiting patiently after Nishio went to attend to a customer. “How is it?” he asked.

Hide took a sip before grinning. “Do you even need to ask?”

“Probably not.”

“I’ll go ahead and tell you anyways. It’s incredibly fantastic as usual, obviously. Geez, have some faith in yourself, Kaneki.”

Kaneki smiled, a chuckle escaping his lips. “I think making coffee is the one thing I can do really well.”

A look of surprise came over Hide. “Don’t be silly, man! There’s so many things you’re awesome at. Like reading, for one thing. Okay, that may not sound like a talent or anything, but trust me, it is. You read all these books that make absolutely no sense to me and probably three-fourths of the people who attempt to read them, but you understand them perfectly. And you’re also great at drawing; I’ve seen your sketches, and they’re amazing. Oh! And writing—you’re a good writer, too. Should I go on?”

Shaking his head, Kaneki couldn’t help but let his smile widen. It felt good to have his skills, few as they were, acknowledged. “Thank you, Hide. Really, thank you,” he said.

Hide’s smile broadened as well. “Of course, dude! That’s what I’m here for.” And then slowly, his smile fell. “As much as I love seeing you and all, that wasn’t why I came here today, though. I think we should hurry and move Hinami. Like today.”

“Did something happen? What’s wrong?” Kaneki asked frantically.

He glanced down. “There was an… _incident_ today at her school. I just saw it on the news and needed to come tell you.”

“What happened?”

Hide sighed. “They haven’t released the names yet, but it was reported that a group of boys threw a girl off the school roof. The girl was a ghoul, obviously. Wait—Kaneki, calm down, we don’t know if it was Hinami, don’t—“

Kaneki collapsed in a nearby chair, breathing heavy. He clutched at his chest, desperately trying not to hyperventilate as customers began turning their heads toward him. “It’s alright, everyone,” Hide assured them, waving his hand dismissively. He turned back to Kaneki and squatted so he could quietly speak in his ear. “Just breathe, Kaneki, breathe. Everything’s okay. Hinami’s fine, you’re fine. Everything’s okay. Can you say that back to me, please?”

“Everything’s okay,” Kaneki breathed. “Everything’s okay. Everything’s okay. Everything’s okay.”

“Everything’s okay,” Hide confirmed, rubbing his back soothingly. Kaneki’s breathing slowly but surely steadied, and he could finally speak again.

“We have to get her out of there,” he uttered. If she were even still alive.

Hide looked him dead on, the determination in his eyes akin to fire. “We will, Kaneki. We will.”

 

* * *

 

It wasn’t the blood that scared her. It wasn’t the split-open skull oozing fluids onto the concrete, either. It wasn’t even because it had been her friend. No, what scared Hinami was the fact that it could have been her. It could have been _her_ body lying on the ground, blood like a halo around her cracked cranium. It could have been _her_ that the school officials found and nearly fainted at the sight of. It could have been _her_ on the news, _her_ everyone was talking about. It could have been her, but it wasn’t.

And it made her want to die at how relieved she was.

She was relieved that someone else died in her place, that someone else incurred the wrath of the humans and the pain that came with it. It was horrible and selfish, but she couldn’t help it.

Sato Kiyoko was dead, and with her went Hinami’s remaining hope. There was no chance. Integration would never be possible, and she had been a fool to think it was. Humans were brutal, terrible creatures who felt no remorse. They didn’t even have qualms about stealing away the life of another. Creatures of hatred—how could they be reasoned with?

School was released early that day. All club activities and practices were also canceled. But that didn’t matter; Hinami had already left before the day was declared over. She didn’t even bother to get her things from her classroom, leaving them behind in favor of getting home.

A feeling of hollowness filled her as she rode the train home. Sato’s words came back to her: “ _I don’t want to die. I just want it to stop._ ” Well, it had indeed stopped. Sato would no longer feel anymore pain or suffer any longer. But at what cost? A hefty one—that was for sure.

Guilt plagued Hinami. If only she had been there, if only she had been able to stop those humans from doing what they did. But she wasn’t there, so she couldn’t have. She could only watch out the window as her friend’s body, a blur as it fell, plunged to the ground. It was pure coincidence Sato was pushed off the roof right above Hinami’s classroom, and it was pure chance she had been the one to see it. And, of course, she was the first one out there. The first to discover what happened.

The first to see the mangled corpse of her friend.

Hinami visibly shuddered at the image that refused to leave her mind. It occupied every crevice, every hiding spot. When she tried to turn her thoughts from it, it followed her. Perhaps it was her punishment for feeling relief that it hadn’t been her. If that were it, she supposed she could deal with it. She deserved it.

As she unlocked the door to Touka’s apartment, Hinami realized she left her phone with her bag at school. That wasn’t good; there was no doubt Kaneki or one of the others had seen what happened. She’d probably missed at least ten calls and text messages by now.

Hastily, she relocked the door and ran out to the street in search of a public phone. After a few minutes of searching the streets, she found one and immediately dialed Kaneki’s number, which she knew by heart.

“ _Hello? Who is this?_ ”

“Onii-chan…” Hinami whispered, tears pricking the corners of her eyes. She couldn’t explain why it made her so happy to hear his voice, but it did.

“ _Hinami, is that you? Oh god, Hinami, please tell me you’re okay. Please—_ “

“I’m okay, onii-chan. I’m okay. I’m…” She choked back a sob. “It wasn’t me.” And then, suddenly, she did start crying. Hearing those words come out of her mouth was too much to bear. She shouldn’t even have to say those words.

“ _I’m so relieved. Hinami, listen to me. Wherever you are, you need to get home. I’m going to start heading over with Hide. Do you think you can do that?_ ”

Hinami nodded even though she knew he couldn’t see it. “Okay,” she mumbled, sniffing. “I’ll go inside.”

“ _Okay. I’ll see you soon, Hinami._ ”

“Please hurry, onii-chan.”

“ _I will_.”

The line on the other end didn’t click dead, so Hinami figured Kaneki was waiting to see if she would say something more. But no other words would come to her, so she hung up the phone and quickly made her way back to the apartment. Once inside, she sat down on the sofa, hands folded in her lap as she stared at the blank screen of the television. Never before had she felt so detached, so isolated. It was an awful feeling, one she wished to rid herself of as soon as possible.

With no other outlet, she began to cry again, sobbing into a pillow uncontrollably. This was unfair. This was wrong. This was torture. This was hell.

Yes, this was hell, she concluded. Because she was a ghoul, she was sentenced to live a life of hell.

And if there were one thing she knew, it was that hell was eternal.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading!
> 
> [EDIT]: as I'm finishing up the next chapter, I realized that it's the last :( we've come a long way though! a big thanks to everyone who has supported me and this fic, you guys mean so much to me. writing wouldn't be nearly as fun if there weren't others to enjoy it with. hopefully I'll be able to get this last chapter out a little sooner than this one. see you guys then!


	15. panacea (and yet we still sing)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, here we are, the final chapter of this fic. I want to thank all of you for patience and for sticking with me through all this time, it really means a lot. 
> 
> also when you get to the epilogue, I highly suggest you listen to some sad or relaxing piano music to maximize the effect. I really liked this one called "More Beautiful/Sad Piano Songs By Brian Crain" (or if you feel like looking up your own, that's fine too!)
> 
> see bottom for my rly sappy notes

“Hinami, we’re going to move you into a different school.”

Those were the words Kaneki had said to her, and those were the words that made Hinami cry tears of joy. Hide cursed himself for allowing them to wait this long. But it was too late now; what happened, happened. It couldn’t be undone. Hinami was probably now forever scarred, and it was their fault for acting so slowly.

 _Just let it go_ , he told himself. There was nothing to be done anymore. The move was already taking place as he paced briskly around the shop, unable to stop the thoughts running rampant in his mind. What if the ghoul school turned out to be a wrong move? What if Hinami were harassed even more? What if she were attacked by a ghoul stronger than herself while going to or from school?

There were just too many variables for him to be at ease. Anything could happen— especially when you were dealing with ghouls.

Huh. That was the truest statement he’d thought up in a while.

Indeed, anything could happen whilst dealing with the strange and seemingly all hostile creatures known as “ghouls.” You could fall in love with a ghoul. You could listen as a ghoul spilled all of his darkest secrets, all the while trying to stay as composed as possible. You could be sucked into his world, _their_ world, with no hope of ever getting out. And you maybe you didn’t want to get out, either.

Being with Kaneki was certainly an experience in itself. Dating a ghoul was definitely exciting and new, but it was the undiscovered emotions he now felt on a regular basis that fascinated him to no end. Sure, he’d thought he’d “loved” his first girlfriend of four months back in high school, but Kaneki showed him the true meaning of the word to its fullest extent. Love was being willing to give up anything and everything for your partner. Love was telling your partner everything about you—even the things you would really rather prefer to keep to yourself. Love was unconditional trust and an infinity of small, joyful moments that made it worth it to drag himself out of bed at six o’clock every morning. Love was Kaneki.

And Kaneki was everything.

Ah, shit. There he went again, getting all sappy before the day even began. Well, he supposed it couldn’t be helped. Kaneki had that sort of effect on him, even when he wasn’t present.

Hide went through the day happily as usual, though underlying thoughts not visible to others else plagued him. He eagerly looked forward to his breaks so he could check his phone for any updates concerning Hinami. Then, around noon, he finally got one.

_It’s all been set up. Hinami will start going to school there next Monday. I’m so relieved._

Hide smiled and began typing out his reply to Kaneki.

 _that’s great news! ( ´_ _▽ ` )_ _ﾉ_ _i’m so happy to hear it. did you guys get to tour the school or anything?_

_Yeah, we did. Overall, it actually doesn’t look that bad. I expected it to be more run-down and decrepit. I think we made the right call._

A moment later, another text came in.

_I hope so, at least._

_I think we did,_ Hide responded.

_We can only wait and see._

 

* * *

 

It turned out that the school was indeed the right call. Barely less than a week after the reopening of Hinami’s former school, another incident occurred, resulting in a human boy losing his right arm when he attacked a ghoul student. The school was shut down once again and was then faced with a lawsuit from the boy’s parents. It’s not like the boy didn’t get what he wanted, though. The young ghoul was tried and executed only days later.

Most of Hinami’s school-related problems seemed to vanish post-move, which was a big relief to them all. Kaneki enjoyed hearing about Hinami’s new friends and how much she liked her classes, not to mention how she’d been accepted into the newspaper club once again. Even though she wasn’t the main writer anymore, it still made her happy, which was all that mattered.

The ghoul to human ratio was now around eighty-two to eighteen. The new estimate was that the growth would halt around ninety to ten. But that was fine; it was already a ghoul-safe haven where non-human students had the opportunity to learn and pursue their fields of interest. Hinami was even enrolled in a creative writing class as an elective. That was something not previously offered to her, and Kaneki was happy that she now had the chance to pursue it. Maybe she would end up as a writer one day. That was the thing he’d always wanted to be, and he wasn’t ashamed to admit he would be very proud if she chose to follow that path.

Once everything had settled down, Kaneki decided it was time to start brainstorming ideas for a novel. He was in a good place for writing one—he had great people surrounding him, was extremely happy, and felt more connected and active in his life with each day. Might as well achieve his life-long dream of writing a book. What could stop him? Nothing. Nothing could stop him.

And god, was that an amazing feeling.

He’d never thought he would get this far. Somewhere along the line, he’d become convinced he could never get better, so he hadn’t bothered trying. But Hide changed that. Hide showed him that there was light at the end of the tunnel, and that happiness was worth fighting for. Figuratively, of course. Literally fighting for it didn’t ever work out for him in the end.

It almost felt as if he’d made a complete circle. He certainly wasn’t his former self—no, that part of him truly was lost in the void for good—but he was as close to it as he could get. Though still kind, quiet, and reserved, he was able to interact with others much better than he had before, and he also considered himself now when making decisions. Others were important, but he was important, too.

There were a few other differences, which he decided to save thinking about for later. Right now, he was thanking whatever god was out there for sending him Hide, his sunshine. Without him, who knows where he would have been. Well, it was obvious where his body would be—at home, wallowing around in his own misery. And if that were the case for his body, he didn’t even want to think about his mind.

It may not have even existed anymore.

He really did owe Hide one for saving him from himself. Or two. Or three. Or everything. Yeah, that sounded about right. He owed Hide everything.

Kaneki, longing only to see one person, threw on his jacket and scarf and hastily made his way out of his apartment complex and to the station, where he hopped on a train and waited impatiently for it to stop at his desired location. Finally, it did, and he hauled ass to Hide’s complex. In his mind, he prayed Hide was home and not out with uni friends like he occasionally was on Friday nights. Maybe he should have called ahead of time.

 _Well, too late now_ , Kaneki thought as he approached the familiar complex. Arriving at Hide’s door, he fumbled for the key he’d been given. A few seconds and one quick turn of the lock later, he was in. Stepping in, he closed the door behind him.

“Hello? Kaneki, is that you?” Hide called out from his bedroom.

Oh good, he was home. Kaneki said nothing as he quietly crept toward the bedroom, listening closely as blankets rustled and feet touched the floor. Just as Hide stepped into the open, Kaneki pulled him into a tight, warm embrace. Hide gave a manly squeak before realizing what happened. “ _Kaneki_ ,” he groaned. “Don’t scare me like that, man!”

Kaneki hummed happily against Hide’s neck, a smile gracing his lips as arms encircled him and he was pulled closer to the other’s body. “Sorry, Hide,” he said.

Hide placed his hand lightly on Kaneki’s head, quietly chuckling as he intertwined his fingers in his hair. His other arm wrapped around Kaneki’s back. After a moment of standing still, he pulled back, a puzzled look coming over his features. “Huh,” he said, peering closer to the top of Kaneki’s head. “It looks like there’s some black hair growing. Have you noticed that before?”

“It’s…turning black again?” Kaneki questioned. “No, I hadn’t noticed.”

“Well, it’s understandable that you hadn’t. You’d have to be looking right at the top of your head. But, luckily for you, me and my three extra centimeters were able to spot it.”

Kaneki rolled his eyes, yet he was unable to wipe the smile from his face. Hide really loved rubbing in the fact that he was taller, if only by three measly centimeters. “Do you think I should keep it white?” he questioned. “It might look strange if the top of my head is black and the rest is white.”

“Dude, have you seen the people around here? A woman came into work today with the pinkest hair I’ve ever seen in my life. _Ever_. And I’ve seen some pretty pink hair, mind you—I’ve had my fair share of anime. But if you think it’ll bother you, you could keep it white. Or dye it all black. Whatever you decide to do, I’m sure it’ll look great.”

“Maybe I should just cut it all off then.”

“Hmm, it could work. You could totally cosplay One Punch Man with me, then! I’d be Genos and you’d be Saitama—the ultimate power duo!”

“One Punch Man?”

“Geez, Kaneki, get with it! You’re like an old man sometimes.”

Kaneki smiled. “I think…I’ll dye it black. I wouldn’t mind a change.”

Hide kissed his cheek. “Then black it is. Do you want me to show you the stuff I use to dye my hair? It’s pretty good.”

“That’s okay, I think I’ll just go to a hairdresser.”

“Suit yourself, Kaneki. But I’ll have you know I’m the best of the best at dyeing hair.”

Kaneki lightly tugged at the dark brown hairs at the crown of Hide’s head. “Obviously,” he chuckled.

“Okay, I’m gonna need you to turn down the sass, mister.”

“Hmm…don’t think so.”

“Kaneki, you know I know where you’re ticklish.”

“Is that supposed to factor into this somehow?”

Hide gave him a sly smile. “Oh, it will, my dear, lovely significant other. It will if you keep that sass up.”

To prove he meant business, Hide, before Kaneki could react, swiftly moved his hand down from his head to his neck, which he began to tickle ferociously. Kaneki immediately let out a sound of pure, unadulterated manliness (as Hide had before) before attempting to escape from the vice grip he was currently ensnared in. “Okay, okay! You win!” he managed in between laughs.

Hide released him, the sly smile spreading into a full-on grin. “I always do, man. So how about we watch a movie while you’re here? There’s this one I’ve been dying to see. I know you aren’t into hardcore action movies, but would you give this one a try?”

Kaneki let himself recover a few more seconds before answering, “Fine, but you have to promise me to never tickle me again.”

“Babe, I never make promises I can’t keep.”

Giving a huff of a laugh, Kaneki smiled. “Alright, I relent. But don’t forget, Hide—I know where you’re ticklish, too.”

“Ohh, is that a threat?”

“Of course not. It’s a promise.”

Hide’s grin didn’t waver. “We’ll see about that.”

 

* * *

 

_\--Six years later--_

A soft breeze blew past the open window, rustling the trees outside. Closing his book, Kaneki took in a deep breath, the fresh night air filling his lungs. He exhaled and set the novel down on a nearby table before reaching for his coffee. Coffee at night always soothed him. The beverage was surprisingly still hot—that was a pleasant surprise. Hide must have come by and warmed it without his noticing.

Four years. That was how long it’d been since they’d left Tokyo. It was mostly for Kaneki; he decided that a quaint house in the countryside would be more suitable for writing novels than a cramped apartment in the city (which was what they’d lived in together for two years as Hide finished his degree before moving). And he’d been right—so far, he’d written five books, all of which were bigger successes than he could have ever hoped for. They now had more money than they knew what to do with.

Because it didn’t take too much to live in the countryside in a small house, a sizeable chunk of their money went to the Ghoul Relief Fund, which pulled young ghouls out of bad neighborhoods and homes and put them into a welcoming household in which they would be given proper treatment and, not to mention, an education. It worked out perfectly; young ghouls were guaranteed a future and Kaneki found happiness in knowing that his success was benefitting others.

It was incredible just how much life had changed. While ghouls were still frowned upon by some, for the most part, they were accepted. The identification badges were revoked three years after their implication, and new regulations were passed so that ghouls could no longer be turned away from any establishment. Even though there were still issues from time to time, things were finally looking good for them.

Touka and Yoriko, who they heard from via text and call quite often, were doing well. The shop was still going strong despite the competition from other cafes. Touka had even recently enrolled in a university, which had always been her dream. Kaneki was very happy for her.

Nishio had given up his life as a predatory ghoul for good and settled down with a permanent job as a pharmaceutical scientist. Tsukiyama started his own line of clothing, which was a big hit among the rich and wealthy—they were the only ones who could afford it, of course. Though he had sent Kaneki some pristine black suits free of charge for any formal events he was required to attend, which was greatly appreciated. He was seriously lacking in fancy formal attire.

Hinami graduated high school near the top of her class and was currently in her last year of uni. She took Nishio’s place at :re as a part-timer, working to pay off her school loans and her apartment rent. She was also, much to Kaneki’s delight, in the middle of writing her first novel, which she frequently spoke to him about. He more than happily agreed to be its editor. So far, it was fantastic, and he couldn’t wait for it to be published.

It was like a dream. Everything in his life was finally, _finally_ going right. Kaneki couldn’t have asked for anything better. And it was all because of one person.

Hide—his sunshine, his home.

His everything.

At the sound of Hide’s voice, Kaneki turned his head.

“Hey, Kaneki, have you seen my charger?” he called. "I can’t find it anywhere. And yes, before you say anything, I wrote down where I put it just like you said. But I may or may not have lost that, too.”

A small smile made its way onto his lips. Hide lost so many things that he was left wondering how there was even anything left in their house. “I know where it is,” he answered.

Hide poked his head through the doorway to the kitchen. “Really? Where?”

Kaneki motioned him over. “Right…here,” he said, pressing a chaste kiss to Hide’s lips.

“Hmm, I don’t know, I think you’ll have to try again.”

Kaneki happily obliged.

Then, suddenly, Hide clapped his hands together, making Kaneki jump in surprise. “Hold on, I just remembered where I put it! Thanks, Kaneki, you’re a miracle worker!” With that, he ran off into the depths of the house. A moment later—

“Aha! There you are!”

Kaneki laughed quietly to himself before taking another sip of his coffee and letting his gaze wander out the open window. The infinite night sky above hung with stars, the light illuminating the wispy, scattered clouds above. Winter was gone; now, with spring, the trees were being restored to their former fullness. He listened to them stir as the gentle wind caressed them with its touch. There was nothing more peaceful than a night like this.

“Thank you,” he murmured. He didn’t know exactly who he was talking to, but there had to be someone out there looking out for him. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have made it this far. And he was so glad he had.

All the hardships, all the pain, all the suffering—this made it all worth it. This was what he’d been searching for his entire life. The one thing he could never seem to grasp.

True happiness.

People always said life was about the journey, not the destination. Maybe they were right. Without all the things that happened to him, he never would have been able to reach this point. He would still be in the same place he was before anything changed, alone, quietly progressing through life as best he could with no true goal in mind.

He didn’t want to think about that, though, so he turned his thoughts to another subject matter. It was about time he took up writing another novel. For the past couple months, he’d taken a break from full-length books and turned to short stories and poetry just for some change. While it was enjoyable, he decided now was best for another one of his ideas to manifest itself in words.

Opening his laptop, which was resting beside him on the sofa, Kaneki began jotting down the ideas he’d been thinking of for the past few weeks. Sometime later, Hide joined him in the sitting room and quietly listened to his music beside him, his eyes closed and his head resting gently on Kaneki’s shoulder. Kaneki would occasionally give him a light kiss on the head, causing a slight smile to play on Hide’s lips each time.

Eventually, he finished writing down all of his thoughts and ideas. Hide stirred slightly as Kaneki shifted into a more comfortable position. Opening his eyes, he looked at the title on the top of the document.

“'Wax Wings Aren’t Made of Gold’, huh? I like it. It has a nice ring to it,” he said.

“You think?” Kaneki replied.

Hide smiled. “Yeah, I do.”

Kaneki couldn’t help but smile as well. “Thank you, Hide. For everything.”

_I love you more than I could ever tell you._

“No problem, Kaneki.”

_I know._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the final author's note (aka how many times can one person say thank you before it's deemed inappropriate):
> 
> man, I can't believe how the time flies by. I remember starting this fic back in the middle of summer, and now here we are. ಥ‿ಥ like I've said soooo many times before, I can't thank you guys enough for your enthusiasm and never-ending patience for this fic. thank you guys so much for not giving up on me and for easing my insecurities about some of the writing that I wasn't so happy with in the story. thank you for the ideas, the constructive criticism, and the praise—it means more than you could ever guess. and thank you to all of you guys who've supported me no matter what and always had an encouraging word or two for me whenever a chapter came out. 
> 
> (basically you guys are the best)
> 
> a big thanks to everyone who commented, left kudos, or just simply read it. having people read and truly enjoy your work makes it entirely worth it, even if it is frustrating at times, and it means a lot that people liked it enough to want it to be seen by others. 
> 
> ugh I have so much to say but like,,, I can't figure out how to say it, haha. to sum it all up, I really, really enjoyed writing this fic. it was definitely one of my favorites and will be for a long time. I actually had a much different ending planned for a while there, but it was super sad so I decided to go with a happy ending as you all can see (I wrote it out and was like omg,, what have I done, so then I changed it). so yeah lol. kinda glad I went the happy route so I could finallymake my bbys happy for good, but I still would have liked to see you guys' reactions to the sad ending because I may or may not be evil,,, cough
> 
> well, I guess that about does it! I hope you all enjoyed this fic!
> 
> thanks for reading!


	16. the end?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so here it is, the sad ending. ಥ‿ಥ for those of you that weren't aware that I was gonna be updating this one last time (I forgot to edit it into the final author's note, whoops), this is a little bonus chapter thing. it’s not as sad as I hoped it would turn out but it’s still a significantly worse ending than the other lol. this is just an alternate ending so you can accept either one as true, though I imagine most people will stick to the first one haha. anyways, this’ll be the final thing I’m posting on this fic, so you won’t have to check to see if anything’s been added (if you do). hope you guys enjoy!
> 
> [TW for suicide mention]

A girl sat quietly alone in her room. Folded in her lap was one of her many notebooks, her pencil resting beside her on her bed. It was late. She’d been writing for what seemed like hours, but really, most of it had been spent thinking. Now that it was over, though, she was filled with a strange sort of hollowness—a sense of longing for what had been. What should have been.

Brushing away a few stray strands of brown hair out of her eyes, the girl sat up and stretched before carefully placing the notebook on a pile of those akin to it, all filled to the brim with carefully thought-out scenarios and instances. To her, those notebooks were vivid with color and imagination, each and every word mapping out the story she desired to tell. With her pencil, she was able to create a world in which those she loved were happy. She was able to create a world in which she wouldn’t have hesitated to go into, even though it was sometimes filled with as much pain as the one she currently resided in.

She was able to create a world in which he’d taken a chance.

The girl couldn’t help but let her eyes linger on the cup standing beside the stack of notebooks. While the writing had smeared a bit after all that time, it was still legible. She read it for what was probably the millionth time.

_Hope to see you back here! Give me a call?_

It filled her with sadness every time she looked at it. If only he had called. If only he hadn’t been afraid. If only, if only, if only.

She found herself thinking that a lot about him.

Suddenly, the door opened, and in walked her big sister. Touka looked sullen these days, but then again, she did, too. Even though it had been over three months since _that_ , it was still impossibly hard to accept.

“Hey,” Touka said quietly. “Are you doing okay?”

She didn’t answer.

Touka sighed and went to sit by her on the bed. The girl rested her head on her shoulder, allowing the other to gently run her fingers through her hair. “I know how hard it is, but you need to let go, Hinami.”

Shutting her eyes, Hinami shook her head. “No, I can’t. If I let go, it’ll be like he never even existed. I don’t want to imagine a world without him. He was…he was…”

At this point, she’d begun to cry again. Writing and crying seemed to be the only things she could do now. Hinami latched onto Touka, who pulled her closer and held her as her body wracked with sobs. They sat there like that for a while. Eventually, her cries turned into quiet whimpers before ceasing entirely, and it was only then that Touka released her. “Do you feel better now?” she asked.

“A little,” Hinami answered, still sniffing. “I just wish…” She trailed off, then shook her head to clear her thoughts. “I just wish we had been able to do something to stop him.”

Touka sighed again, contemplating her response. “Hinami, sometimes in life, there are things that can’t be prevented. This…I think it was one of those things. And I know this is hard to believe, but maybe it really _was_ for the best. Not for us, but for him. He never had a good life to begin with, and it only continued to get worse and worse. I think that final release was all he ever wanted.”

“But…I thought things could always get better.”

“Well, in most cases, they can. It’s just…” She brought a hand up to her forehead and closed her eyes, trying to will away the headache that was forming. It was too hard to explain in words why Kaneki’s death was regrettably one of the better things to happen to him—especially to one of the people who was most fond of him. While she knew Hinami would eventually come to accept it, she did all she could to hasten the process, even though it was exhausting both mentally and emotionally.

Three months exactly was how long it’d been since Kaneki’s suicide. It was shocking at first, of course, even though it shouldn’t have been. All signs had pointed to it, yet they still weren’t able to prevent it. The worst part was she was already used to him being gone. Thinking about that always made her cringe, but it was the painful truth.

And she hated herself for it.

Yet at the same time, it was a relief to not have him around. She didn’t have to constantly worry for him as she had in the past, and she didn’t have to do her routine check-ups on him, either. Always having to keep a close eye on him was something she neither enjoyed nor wanted to do. It wasn’t because she was annoyed that she had to look after him, though; it was more like she was frustrated he needed it. He couldn’t bear to be without that crutch of constant support, and she hated that for him. All she wished was for him to be happy and stable and self-reliant. Sadly, that just didn’t happen.

Perhaps some people were merely destined to live out miserable lives. Perhaps their sacrifice of happiness let others live life to the fullest for whatever sick, twisted reason. If that were so, fate truly was a bitch.

Touka had tried many times to explain her perspective of his death to Hinami, but either she couldn’t word it correctly or it never fully got through to her. Whichever one it was, it didn’t matter, because there was really no hope of consoling Hinami with her logic. She saw now that it was best to let her ride it out on her own. In time, she’d come to terms with it, and while she would still harbor lingering sadness for the person whom she once admired the most, she would be able to move on.

With that thought in mind, Touka suggested they go out to take their minds off of things. Hinami reluctantly agreed, and a few moments later, they set out. She didn’t know how they ended up where they did, but once they were there, it was too late to go back.

“Hi there! Welcome to the café!” a familiar friendly blond worker called to them as they entered the coffee shop. Touka recognized him instantly, and she could tell Hinami did as well by her wide eyes. Hide was his name, she believed. Yeah, that sounded right. Not only was the same person who’d written that note for Kaneki on a takeout cup many months ago, but it was the same person who’d inspired Hinami’s story.

 _Wow_ , _what better way to take your mind off of something than drudging up the past,_ Touka thought to herself as Hide approached the table they’d sat down at.

“Oh, I remember you guys!" he said. "You were with someone else when you last came, though. How’s he doing? Ah, sorry, I’m rambling. What can I do for you two today?”

A slight smile played on Touka’s lips. _Way to be nonchalant, Hide_. _You’re as transparent as glass_. She noted that he didn’t mention Kaneki never called him, but she could tell he wanted to know. If he didn’t care, he would have ignored the fact that there’d been another person with them on their previous visit.

“He couldn’t make it today,” she replied. “And just in case you were wondering, he would have called, but he got a little too busy with work.”

Hide’s bright smile faded into that of a much smaller, reserved one. “I see. That’s okay, then, I understand.” Then, as if it had never left, that radiant grin returned full-force. “So what can I get for you?”

“Two black coffees, please.”

“Two black coffees, coming right up!”

Hinami, who had been visibly tense, relaxed. “Onee-chan…” she began, but stopped. Touka gave her a small smile before turning to watch Hide as he prepared their order. He would have been the perfect match for Kaneki, no doubt. His friendly and enthusiastic personality might have been enough to keep him going; it was a damn shame he let the opportunity be passed up. But there was no point in dwelling on what could have been—all they could do now was move forward.

It really was too bad, though. Because that smile truly was like the sun.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading!


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